Year 2015 Go!

It’s a new year and there are changes and time for more and new experiences. I have been kind of an offline person these last weeks. I feel lost, there’s no end to this. Feeling both sides in real life so deeply is somewhat a curse and my blessing every day. But I know now why I have had these experiences and past lives inside my brain. You have not won this war against me disorders and abusers! I speak up for Mental Health, abuse and live my life openly and honestly with all of you. I have to say thank you for reading, my lovely readers and followers, 2014 is over, some of it good and the rest really bad. My disorders are kind a taking over my life at the moment and it’s soon falling apart it feels like. So I am voluntarily going to the psych hospital next week or something like that, i hope. I know I need help, tell more of my stories and face this. But just writing this making my identities mix up. I can feel them in my head, body and eyes. My eyes gets unfocused and I have trouble writing and seeing. 

Lately I have been looking through some of my past pictures, and I can see my identities in some of them. There are even a few that doesn’t look like me. My self-harming personalities destroys my face and neck, they have also started on my legs and a new place that I’m not ready to talk about yet. I can see theres sometimes been hours, of me doing this to myself, but “I” don’t remember this afterwards. The pain is not the feeling I’m after, I’m after my bones apparently sometimes. Some people will call this picking when they see me. But that is when the scars are more heald, I don’t want to destroy myself like this. But I honestly don’t feel like I deserve to have a face anymore. I’m going back to the hospital next week for a while, to get help and have someone to take care of me. I’m not able, I spun out of order after the abuser I reported blamed everything on me like its ok to hit and verbally abuse someone with mental illness. Thus you did not know about my diagnoses then, I didn’t either. But the fighter in me really want me back for the good people in my life and the man I have. They even tell me I am beautiful, and I feel so guilty for not believing a word they are saying. So I isolate myself in my own apartment, alone with the voices and personalities. But at least I have asked for help again, and I have broken down infront of one of my therapists. But I’m done with being beaten down, so I have been doing some backups from my past. Evidence and written words that gives me a sign that I was manipulated by this low life person! And as for a lot of them they think they can buy themselves out of everything, but when enough is enough and it’s still darkness after four years. I’m done playing nice to the ones that not deserve it! I’m done feeling like the victim! I want in the future for myself to be the victorious and tell my story so I might save one life. I had that one time, years ago. I sat in the dark, had done everything ready for ending my life (I’m sorry for writing this), was in a place where I should not have been and seen so many horrible things. I made a phone call, my ex-boyfriend saved me. I have thanked him and I do this every day. We were suppose to be together, but sadly he passed away almost 9 years ago. I couldn’t save him, but I’m thankful for the last phone calls and words we had. He is always in my heart! There aren’t many men I really loved, but he is one of them. And the man I am with today is amazing, accepting my flaws, past and imperfections…


Any Bryde

Blast To The Past, But Still Here…

I went to a psychic, Sally, yesterday and I have always wanted to do this! It blew my mind, because she told me so much that I have felt and believed in all my life. I asked her about where I came from and she said she saw a boat and that I was covered in some way. When I asked about my biological father she said my biological mom was probably and sadly might raped. As a child I always told and made up stories about my biological father, saying we lived in a tent, eating black rice and bread or something like that. But I can’t remember anything or that I told stories about my biological mom. Sally also told me that I wasn’t unwanted, but that my mom couldn’t and didn’t have enough to raise me. So she left me in a box in front of a churchlike, or the child care facility home. She also got the feeling of me being pulled back and forth as a child, and as I know thats true because of me being the youngest in the home. But I had a caretaker and an older girl who took care of me, but I was still undernourished and in a bad place when I arrived here in Norway. I am adopted, my family is amazing, I really don’t remember much from my childhood. Probably because of all the stories I made up and my mental illnesses. Thus none of this was brought up by the teachers or the psychologist I had when I was around 9-10 years old. I think it’s weird and really strange that none of them picked up on that! My mom said she thought I might could have ADHD, probably because of my tantrums and being all over the place all the time. But who can I really blame? I spend my years, screaming, doing whatever I wanted, always the opposite of what I was told and being a little bitch (to be honest). And trying to hide and escape from reality.

Take chances

They adopted another and the I got a younger sister, she was so sweet, smiley and never did anything wrong. In the start I was really jealous, because I was use to getting all the attention and now there was another one, and she was just sweet and adorable all the time. I wasn’t the best sister in the start, but I was traumatised. No excuse for my behaviour, but an explanation. We grew older and suddenly our mom got pregnant. We got a little brother. He was the cutest little boy ever, I remember dressing him up as a girl when I was young. We’re 5 years apart my sister and I and our brother is 9 years younger than me. We have a really good relationship now, we had it for a while and I love them and my mom so much! They have always been closer, because of me being “so” much older and I moved out the year I was 17 going 18. I did a lot of bad stuff when I was a teenager and hurt myself and my family a lot. I can’t blame anyone but myself, but after the life I lived, choices I made, being abused, misused, diagnosed and hospitalized I have another insight and view on everything. Don’t believe in the greener grass, because when someone says they promise you something but the action speaks louder than the words that actually comes out of their mouths. Do a 360 and walk away! I been through my share of users, and I am also the only one that can say now is enough! So if you feel that I’m writing about you, chances are I really am. But in life there are no regrets, only lessons learned and I have learned a lot through my soon 33 years of life on this earth as a human! 

Keep me in your heart

It has taken me a lot of time and almost too much pain, but later is better than never. And when the Sally looked me in my eyes and said; you tried several times, but your spirits has always saved you! It was like there is no where to hide, I still have daily thoughts about suicide, but I know now that it is not a solution. Having admitted everything I have done, don’t keep secrets, are honest, open, loyal, try to live a good life, do good things for myself and those I love, accepted everything that I have been through and that my life is what it is. I’m trying to teach myself that I am enough, that people really want me in their life, that they love me, that I have the right to walk my own path no matter what others might say or their opinion about it. Of course I don’t live in peace, because of all my different identity disorders but I can try not to let them control me, go to therapy, my doctor, take the classes I will be assigned to, taking my medication as well for regulating them, eating healthy, get enough sleep and fresh air. The exercising comes last, as well for my self harming. But I have no where to hide anymore, so I’m guessing it’s my time to shine bright and receive and give the love I deserve. Until next time, thank you my readers, I hope you find inspiration from me and my life! Because that is what I want you too and to know that life is worth living!

Ernest Hemingway


Any Bryde 

Every Fall…

It’s fall, here I notice that by all of my favorite TV-shows starting up again. As I live my life and trying to keep it all together in front of everyone, I’m still trying to do what’s best for me. But sometimes it is really hard and the struggle alone is unbearable. There is so much wrong with this country we live in, but the people who support this system are the one that are wrong. Why should we who suffer from diseases, mental illness, physical disabilities and so on be the one thats are punished? We pay the same tax as people who earn the most in this country. I can’t help but wonder, are we not worth anything in your eyes?

On the edge

Now that that is said, we are the one who struggles everyday, to keep up appearance, smile, try to help others and spend all our income on treatments, rent and food. Yes we do splurge, but that is completely without control. We self harm, hide, pretend, starve ourselves, love unconditionally, break down, build ourselves up again, spend money we don’t have, shout out suddenly, interrupt, can be manic, depressed, lonely and too sociable. We are so much more that what you see on the outside. Under the smile, there are scars that never heals, a voice that just wants to be heard and we are all looking for love. Sometimes in the wrong places. But when you come to that place in life where you finally dare to open up to psychiatrist, doctors, family and friends. Everything changes. It’s still hard, because I know in my heart and soul that I can be too much from time to time. When you have insight and intelligence its not easy with these diagnoses. You are always aware of everything, not in the exact moment, but straight after. It’s like a thunder storm on the inside, a sad, but still a hopeless happy feeling that I can’t describe in words. But if you are as lucky as I am, having a man, family, friends who understands, don’t have the same illnesses, it’s a blessing. They laugh with you, not at you, they bring you joy, not sadness, they listen, don’t talk down to you, acknowledge the intelligence and what you are capable of instead of just what you do wrong. I love you all so much, you don’t not even know how much. I would do anything for the supporting people in my life!

in love with your mind

Of course I feel misplaced still, but the feeling of not being good enough because I sometimes only have me to offer when I’m around you is slowly fading away. It fades away with the love from you, the love that tells you to never change, to be the person you’re supposed to be. Not to be a stick figure or perfect at all times, but a soul, with a loving heart and a beautiful soul! Just the way you are. We have spent most of our lives trying to impress others, pleasing people who abused us and filling our lives with negativity. It has turned,we do now see the truth for what it is. You don’t get endesly chances with us anymore. There are one, two and three strikes out!

my man and i

It’s October and my dad died six years ago, I miss him everyday and the last three months of the year are always heavier to bear than the first of them. You are always in my heart and soul, there never goes a day where I don’t think of you or all the other loved ones I have lost! Hope you are together and in peace! And least, but last to you my beautiful readers, you keep me going, trying to give you a peek view of what’s going on and how my brain lives it own life!



Any Bryde