Will You Ever Understand


I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.

I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.

But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.

Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.

So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.

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Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Why Do I Always Do And Say The Wrong Things?


Life is what it is, not easy being mentally ill. There are so many people believing I offend them, tell me I am too much or too little. I do not know the in between, I am sorry, I never meant to say a bad word to you. You are my world where I finally feel safe, but suddenly the rug gets pulled away from beneath me and I slip and fall. Is nothing real anymore, is this all dreams and fantasies in my own head? Sometimes I say things I really do not mean in the way that people analyze them. The hardest for me after that is to explain that it was meant as a joke, but people think I am lying and I am not. I would never say anything to hurt people I love!

i wish i knew

I am in love and this man is my blood, he is the best I ever met. But I am so afraid of losing my loved ones. When you have someone you love so much it is like being is purple, but the blackness comes along with everything because in my brain there are different personalities on my inside. Yes, I do need a lot of attention, sometimes probably comes out as needy. But I need to feel safe with my love, heart, family, friends and I am not perfect I know this. I am broken, like all the leaves that falls from the trees in the fall. I have a problem with remembering and get hangups on the negativity that stops by in my life. Sometimes I want to disappear forever, but to flight from my problems will not change anything. So I am staying put trying to be the best I can. It is a struggle, when we do not have full control over thoughts, words or impulses. But my heart will never stop  loving and I know I am a real fighter, because of what I have been through. I thought hard for my life for two weeks while laying in the hospital and fighting off the E-coli and all the other infections in my body. There is no use feeling sorry for me, I have chosen my life, but wish that people could see the real me…

se meg

My soul is filled with love, that I would unflowered myself so you could be wrapped in it. Because There is nothing greater than love, and nothing bigger than a smiling soul. Sadness makes me depressed and so sad, all I want is to sit and cry, but I do not dare to show all of my emotions yet. I hide behind the mask with a smile on my face. So wrong doing this, but I feel like a burden and hate this feeling. The only thing that gets me out from this state is love, closeness and laughter. Feeling alone when I am with people is something real that I feel every single day. I hope you know, or if you feel it the same way I have heard is normal. But then again what is normal? Then my suicide thoughts come as an uninvited guest I want to kick hout and say; go to hell!

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Of course I have better days,  but they also feel like a burden, when I am manic and people tell me they do not like me. It hurts, I am still just a human thus some think I am a robot who might think that I am trying to be the life of the party. Honestly I am really introverted and isolated…

Love

I Have Been in And Out of Wonderland


When everything turns around on you and you suddenly get so sick that you do not even have the idea of being in a hospital it can be a really scary thing. But there are so many helpful health personals and friendly faces. The doctors made my life and my body free from all the diseases and infections. I had tremendous help and the staff did so much for me here at Diakonhjemmet. I was in a coma for two weeks, never been before and my body fought and got stuck with every needle you can think of. My small little me was filled with tubes and everything. While my family and boyfriend viditing me, but I was in a place far away from this reality…

you dont know

I’m so sorry for you who had to see me like this, but I can say that I better now. And my legs works again. Up and walking again, feeling almost “normal” now. But I would never hsve could done this without the help I have gotten here. I am eternely thankful and humbled over the work. One thing is sure and that is that you health personals should get higher saleries. But this is a country where life is not fair at all in this way. Where the majority og women appartently want to be artisits or authors, but there are not that many good writers. No effence, but i like non fiction… That is why I write about the serious stuff. So Yes I am awake and the time is 7am.. Been up since 5:30am, its the hospital… In the evening night time after my boyfriend leave there is not so much to do than to sleep… But I have been fighting and working for getting back up on my feet again. And here I am! Up and going.

train your mind

My life is changed, never been in a coma before, two weeks! And waking after being in a coma is not pleasant at all. Is confusing and scary. I really did get an awakinging after this experience. And being in a hospital for almost one month is a long time! Just for you my friends all over the world, do not think I am gone, I have been in a place where I would never wish my worst enemy have to go. So take care of yourselves and your health, do not go crazy like I did this time. I will write more about this, but right now I just don’t know what to write or remember, it’s time to take care of me and mine as you did for me!

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And writitng in Norwegian is not even my style, the language lack some words, so it all seems more poor in my opinion. But to you whom write in Norwegian, good job, you found a voice within yourselves.

Love,

Any Bryde