To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Why Do I Always Do And Say The Wrong Things?


Life is what it is, not easy being mentally ill. There are so many people believing I offend them, tell me I am too much or too little. I do not know the in between, I am sorry, I never meant to say a bad word to you. You are my world where I finally feel safe, but suddenly the rug gets pulled away from beneath me and I slip and fall. Is nothing real anymore, is this all dreams and fantasies in my own head? Sometimes I say things I really do not mean in the way that people analyze them. The hardest for me after that is to explain that it was meant as a joke, but people think I am lying and I am not. I would never say anything to hurt people I love!

i wish i knew

I am in love and this man is my blood, he is the best I ever met. But I am so afraid of losing my loved ones. When you have someone you love so much it is like being is purple, but the blackness comes along with everything because in my brain there are different personalities on my inside. Yes, I do need a lot of attention, sometimes probably comes out as needy. But I need to feel safe with my love, heart, family, friends and I am not perfect I know this. I am broken, like all the leaves that falls from the trees in the fall. I have a problem with remembering and get hangups on the negativity that stops by in my life. Sometimes I want to disappear forever, but to flight from my problems will not change anything. So I am staying put trying to be the best I can. It is a struggle, when we do not have full control over thoughts, words or impulses. But my heart will never stop  loving and I know I am a real fighter, because of what I have been through. I thought hard for my life for two weeks while laying in the hospital and fighting off the E-coli and all the other infections in my body. There is no use feeling sorry for me, I have chosen my life, but wish that people could see the real me…

se meg

My soul is filled with love, that I would unflowered myself so you could be wrapped in it. Because There is nothing greater than love, and nothing bigger than a smiling soul. Sadness makes me depressed and so sad, all I want is to sit and cry, but I do not dare to show all of my emotions yet. I hide behind the mask with a smile on my face. So wrong doing this, but I feel like a burden and hate this feeling. The only thing that gets me out from this state is love, closeness and laughter. Feeling alone when I am with people is something real that I feel every single day. I hope you know, or if you feel it the same way I have heard is normal. But then again what is normal? Then my suicide thoughts come as an uninvited guest I want to kick hout and say; go to hell!

how

Of course I have better days,  but they also feel like a burden, when I am manic and people tell me they do not like me. It hurts, I am still just a human thus some think I am a robot who might think that I am trying to be the life of the party. Honestly I am really introverted and isolated…

Love

I Don’t Know What Hit Me…


I do not know and my brain is on overload. I am analyzing everything and thinking about the words that been written and said. Where is the truth, what is the meaning? Is this life really worth everything? Am I always in the wrong is my life and needs not worth anything? I am really done this time, my life should be worth something more than this. Does it all happen in Wonderland or hell? Is reality real or a dream from the darkness, how is it that I always wind up in situations where I am a revolving door?

broken

I am a place where I do not really know who to trust anymore… I struggle inside and I am tired. Want to shut it all down, be gone and never return. I cannot handle this anymore. Manipulations, ugly words, complaining about that I do everything wrong and putting others needs before myself. I still do things I cannot remember, not serious stuff, but move stuff, write things and so on. I still do wonder about everything that has been said; is it truth or lies?

forever

Love does not disappear suddenly. When I love someone it is forever and there has not been many real loved ones in my life. You know who you are. I do not know how to process things, people put everything on me, telling me I am crazy! If you believe that you have never seen crazy! But hating myself is easy at the moment and the person in the mirror is miserable.  I wish there was something that removed my pain forever. I am broken like that mirror that fell on the floor in thousand pieces. Life just keeps turning on me. How long can I handle this shit? Is it meaning that I have to fight all the time? This illness is nothing to joke with and if you do not want to try to understand, let me be me and take my heart serious. Just get the hell out of my life! It is probably harsh, but I am tired, exhausted, there are people around me that I think just use me and do not care.

the same horrors

What happened to honesty, trust and truth? Did they jump out the window with your iq, the dwarfs from inside your brain? In your world, who am I to you? Am I worth your time or are you still playing the game? My love is real, but my heart hurts! I have fought like hell to get back from the E-coli I had other infections too. And is this it…sometimes I wish I never came back… I know it is a really bad thing to say, but I believe a lot of you would be better with me not being here. Maybe my depression is on its way…

I love bipolar

People leave, are they then really worth my tears? Is it a place that will grow in the darkness. It is hard to love someone who treats you like you are shit. I do miss you. Why did you spend all the time in the hospital, promising me eternity? Telling me I do not know what love is! But wake up, I do, I love with all I have. Maybe I am not enough, maybe some people need more. But what more? It was not like you brought anything to the table! It all feels like a nightmare. I thought I had a good friend, but could I ever have been so wrong?

hurt people

Love,

Any Bryde