It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I haven’t found anywhere to go just yet. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I can learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly call my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. We system and education is not the heavy burden.”
I run home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there was a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops hearing. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did the small role-play the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening there was like one month wait! And this I had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good hangeul. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sender snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changes the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went all together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote on the big yellow sheet paper with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and one more thing. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the seaweed with the purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and play some pool and drank a little more.
There’s a time in your life where you discover the realness in the people you mix in your circle. Life is not always a shining star. But believing that the stars go away forever occur not for everybody. You will have the ones that have already made up their minds about how and what you are. As for myself, I have noticed that the ones that tell you that honesty is the most important thing in their world are the ones that will stab you in the back when the wheels are turned. And then the scariest thing is that they do not admit or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. I do not feel sorry for these people, nor do I have empathy for these souls. Like they say, you grow as you go and life will always represent you with lemons. The lemonade will sometimes turn out so sour that it is hard not to choke on them.
There are two ways of living life, you can do it honestly and open and then there are the liars they think they are safe and sound. But in reality, they are the struggles, the ones who has huge issues with themselves and everything they see in the mirror. Yes, I am the one with eating disorders sitting alone here at Hells Kitchen with my pizza and my beer. But I am really doing everything to turn my life around. There is no joke in this, hiding begin the curtains or trying to be someone I am not. I do live with my heart on my sleeve and it is for the whole wide world to see! But it I do not think you can see the truth behind your own kind! Honestly, I think you or some of you really needs a crash course to see reality and the real world.
You close your eyes to the real things and think no one can break your perfect little bubble. But let me enlighten you about a few things; We live in “open” world, no matter all the lies you post on social media and brag about your achievements. There will come the day where you all will be recognized, lies and all! It is the reality of life, I am an independent, I do not care anymore. I am really satisfied. With seeing the truth I see your eyes, the words that you spit from your narrow sited fucked up mouth! It is not about how much money you have, what you find in your closet or how you dress. It is all about your vibration and energy. How you leave your print if you are good or a bad seed…
I would think in a country like Norway they would take us more serious. We are like 5 million people living here and I have to say that of course there are health personnel, psychologists, doctors and hospitals that are amazing. But then you have the places that really do not care about us, patients, that are not taken seriously. We feel rejected, and the fear and anxiety every time someone rejects us gets tougher to get through. And remember, YOU are really helping to destroy a human being shouting out for help. For instance; Incognito Klinikken, where I am being “sent”… So there are two weeks waiting for my appointment. I called the yesterday, explained my situation and told them I need a place ASAP! And I cannot wait two weeks, it could be I do not survive this waiting period. So what did the lady on the other end say; “we cannot help you.” So naturally I hang up and I do NOT want to go here anymore. You do not help us, you send us right into a suicidal spiral!
Working with humans with chronic illnesses you would think they would have another understanding or at least view into a person destroyed reality?! I can tell you all if I am not strong enough to survive this period it is all the Incognito Klinikken responsibility!
I can promise you I am going through one of my deepest, darkest, worst and unbearable depression in my life. I broke down two days ago and been crying ever since. And calling for help, telling them and begging them to take me in did not work, so FUCK YOU! I do not think you really want to help us, you think we are a burden to stuff away in a dark corner and telling us we have an addiction problem! But I will give you a news flash; I suffer and live with a combination of mental illnesses, and you as health personnel should know how dangerous this is! I do not want to “give” my life and security to you because you made me feel unworthy on the phone when I, myself called and asked for help now! I hang up and no one called me back yet! It has been a day, what if… I can honestly tell you that I want to go around feeling like the hell, unworthy, darkness I do now than ever letting you treat me or put medicine in me! I have seen the bad side of psychiatry in Norway, but also the positive one! And the places we get the help we need, the understanding and support are amazing. Thus, you know, you so called “professionals”, it is a short way from life to death!
if you could see the realness of these illnesses, me losing almost 8 kg in a MONTH! Crying in front of people and to my psychologists is something I have never done before! And one other thing, I am not one that silent patient that you probably hoped for! I tell my story to the whole world and I never let stuff out! Taking care of people is your job; WHAT FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?!
Last day in Tønsberg and Christmas is over. I am relieved and looking forward to coming home to my apartment and Oslo. I do not know why I am the way I am, but I am sure there is only a few of you whom really understand me or even dear I say try too. I know it is not easy, but there are certain things you just do not say to someone who struggles with mental illness. Being the only one in my family who really have psychiatric problems, it is always on my mind how different I am. I know I seem normal from the outside, but spend a day in my head and you will see why I am on welfare. It is not easy nor something I am proud of. But I do not have a place in the normal standards. Where there are people telling me, “you should just or why do you not do this?” I do not have an answer, but I can tell you that I am working harder and more than a lot of you. I never get a holiday or days off, this is a 24/7 job that has no loopholes. There is no going around this.
I feel lost and alone, just longing after someone that understands. It is a lonely life being stuck inside your own brain, where there is no escaping the reality. But I know that love is some kind of a medicine, but it can also be a problem. I have enough things to struggle with daily, so if you add to this by not being understanding, it makes everything seem hopeless. And that is how I see my life at the moment. I do not know where I went to the left instead of right, but somewhere down this road, I turned and now I cannot find my way back. What happen to the trust and honesty? It feels like I am a guest in my own life, that it is another me who walks around every day. Looking outside now, it is actually snowing, and again I feel misplaced. This world is not for me, I am guessing there has to be another reason why I am here. There has to be more than just this. All this waiting, all the time. I know that I am patient, but hey there is a limit for how much I can handle and soon my limits are way over reached and too far gone.
I write to get rid of the pain, as for sharing my life with you, and might help or give you whom struggle with the same issues either having someone in your life with the same problems or having the diagnoses yourself. I want people to open up and see how much work it is all the time. We have medicine reminding us every day, not feeling that we are good enough for anything, having the need to self-harm, suicidal thoughts and the voices. Yes, we take things way too personal, but it is how we are put together. So please let us be and maybe someday we will bloom and grow. But until then I still think that I am unworthy and not good enough for this life. It is a lonely feeling that you who does not struggle with mental illness will never understand. Sitting in a room and cutting myself, seeing the blood is my only cure for now. But I know it is not healthy or a solution for my problem.
I just need you to be here, talk about stuff and not leaving me alone with everything inside, because there is no escaping this.