To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

The dark side of me


Im guessing some of you know a lot about me now, but there are still a few secrets and stories to tell. I just started a page on Facebook, anybrydebipolarbpd, stop by and like, comment, read, ask questions or just to support. I’m open, honest and me. It’s hard trying to be someone or something you aren’t, so after 20 something years of pretending I broke my circle and decided to start doing what I’m supposed to do. I know that some of you don’t understand that, but inside there’s a force and something boiling under the surface. I “always” known that I was supposed to help people and write, so when I got my head straight and saw that I can actually use my own experiences to inform and let the world in on my life I didn’t doubt. I know there are a lot of tabu and stigma around these themes and illnesses, but it’s actually 2014 and we should be openminded enough to understand this now. With the Bipolar Disorder there are a lot to tackle, but there are also a really good system if you do what your doctor, therapist, psychiatrists and group therapies tell you to do. I knew I always was the kind of girl that always did the opposite of what everybody told me and now I know why. This explains so much and make life easier for me and everyone thats involved. 

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I have been to an assessment conversation for a stabilisation group and I’m going back for another tomorrow. Also going for an assessment conversation for a Bipolar group in February. That I really look forward to, because I will meet others and learn a lot more about myself and this diagnose. I also hope this will give enough insight for you who don’t struggle with mental illness and hardly knows about this. I have lost a lot in my life because of this, but I have also gain so much perspective, learned more about humans and how to be. In my heart there is a big black hole for every person that has died, but the love and memories are vivid as fuck! I can feel them around me! I lost family members, an aunt, my dad, my pretend grandma, my grandma, a boyfriend and friends – R.I.P ❤ you are always in my heart now and forever. I have been through hell and back again, still I came out all-right I guess. And a lot of the things that has happened, I choose to keep secret because I know that people don’t know what to say when you talk about death. For you who don’t know what to answer, just be there for them, tell them you can go to the funeral and just hold them tight. Show your love to the ones you care about and smile to the rest of them. I haven’t gotten to the part on how to go back in time and go through these traumatic accidents/happenings or how to handle this but I will soon when the groups start. I hope…

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Last night I had to cut down my toenails because I rip den off, its one of my self harming things. When I was hospitalized I didn’t get to keep scissors, tweezers or anything sharp in my room. I had to ask for them and then give them back after I was done. I also had to cut down my nails since I also used them to tear my skin on the neck, the skin around finger nails, make myself throw up and deny myself food. I’m trying to control these urges, but it’s not easy because it has become a habit for me and it sucks. I have friends who struggle with anorexia/bulimia, depression, BPD, bipolar 1 & 2 and a lot of them also do self harm, but most of them are cutters and most people do that. I’m 32 and don’t have any control, or actually I have gain control over my economics after I moved by myself almost… When I see this is writing I really don’t want to share this, but the scars and the pain inside makes it easier not to do it when people knows about it. Some people cut themselves, I do those things and tattoos as well. Tattoos are probably not in the group, but still it gives a satisfaction and it last for hours because it takes a few hours to get them done. At least mine does! 

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I also bought a ticket to Thailand, going in March, seeing old friends and make new memories. I’m super excited and it’s just a little over a month until I leave!

Much love Anybryde