Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.
Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this safe and sound.
The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.
The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.
Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.
But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.
I would think in a country like Norway they would take us more serious. We are like 5 million people living here and I have to say that of course there are health personnel, psychologists, doctors and hospitals that are amazing. But then you have the places that really do not care about us, patients, that are not taken seriously. We feel rejected, and the fear and anxiety every time someone rejects us gets tougher to get through. And remember, YOU are really helping to destroy a human being shouting out for help. For instance; Incognito Klinikken, where I am being “sent”… So there are two weeks waiting for my appointment. I called the yesterday, explained my situation and told them I need a place ASAP! And I cannot wait two weeks, it could be I do not survive this waiting period. So what did the lady on the other end say; “we cannot help you.” So naturally I hang up and I do NOT want to go here anymore. You do not help us, you send us right into a suicidal spiral!
Working with humans with chronic illnesses you would think they would have another understanding or at least view into a person destroyed reality?! I can tell you all if I am not strong enough to survive this period it is all the Incognito Klinikken responsibility!
I can promise you I am going through one of my deepest, darkest, worst and unbearable depression in my life. I broke down two days ago and been crying ever since. And calling for help, telling them and begging them to take me in did not work, so FUCK YOU! I do not think you really want to help us, you think we are a burden to stuff away in a dark corner and telling us we have an addiction problem! But I will give you a news flash; I suffer and live with a combination of mental illnesses, and you as health personnel should know how dangerous this is! I do not want to “give” my life and security to you because you made me feel unworthy on the phone when I, myself called and asked for help now! I hang up and no one called me back yet! It has been a day, what if… I can honestly tell you that I want to go around feeling like the hell, unworthy, darkness I do now than ever letting you treat me or put medicine in me! I have seen the bad side of psychiatry in Norway, but also the positive one! And the places we get the help we need, the understanding and support are amazing. Thus, you know, you so called “professionals”, it is a short way from life to death!
if you could see the realness of these illnesses, me losing almost 8 kg in a MONTH! Crying in front of people and to my psychologists is something I have never done before! And one other thing, I am not one that silent patient that you probably hoped for! I tell my story to the whole world and I never let stuff out! Taking care of people is your job; WHAT FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?!
Last day in Tønsberg and Christmas is over. I am relieved and looking forward to coming home to my apartment and Oslo. I do not know why I am the way I am, but I am sure there is only a few of you whom really understand me or even dear I say try too. I know it is not easy, but there are certain things you just do not say to someone who struggles with mental illness. Being the only one in my family who really have psychiatric problems, it is always on my mind how different I am. I know I seem normal from the outside, but spend a day in my head and you will see why I am on welfare. It is not easy nor something I am proud of. But I do not have a place in the normal standards. Where there are people telling me, “you should just or why do you not do this?” I do not have an answer, but I can tell you that I am working harder and more than a lot of you. I never get a holiday or days off, this is a 24/7 job that has no loopholes. There is no going around this.
I feel lost and alone, just longing after someone that understands. It is a lonely life being stuck inside your own brain, where there is no escaping the reality. But I know that love is some kind of a medicine, but it can also be a problem. I have enough things to struggle with daily, so if you add to this by not being understanding, it makes everything seem hopeless. And that is how I see my life at the moment. I do not know where I went to the left instead of right, but somewhere down this road, I turned and now I cannot find my way back. What happen to the trust and honesty? It feels like I am a guest in my own life, that it is another me who walks around every day. Looking outside now, it is actually snowing, and again I feel misplaced. This world is not for me, I am guessing there has to be another reason why I am here. There has to be more than just this. All this waiting, all the time. I know that I am patient, but hey there is a limit for how much I can handle and soon my limits are way over reached and too far gone.
I write to get rid of the pain, as for sharing my life with you, and might help or give you whom struggle with the same issues either having someone in your life with the same problems or having the diagnoses yourself. I want people to open up and see how much work it is all the time. We have medicine reminding us every day, not feeling that we are good enough for anything, having the need to self-harm, suicidal thoughts and the voices. Yes, we take things way too personal, but it is how we are put together. So please let us be and maybe someday we will bloom and grow. But until then I still think that I am unworthy and not good enough for this life. It is a lonely feeling that you who does not struggle with mental illness will never understand. Sitting in a room and cutting myself, seeing the blood is my only cure for now. But I know it is not healthy or a solution for my problem.
I just need you to be here, talk about stuff and not leaving me alone with everything inside, because there is no escaping this.
Christmas came again this year as every year, but the spirit of Christmas is not really here. It feels more like autumn about now. There is no snow or any Christmasy about this season this year. Tho we got through it seemingly, with the food, gifts, coffee, and cookies. I am pretty satisfied this year with all my presents. Useful gifts and stuff I need, sitting here in my new Panda pajamas and relaxing with my mom, sister and brother. Got new headphones for Christmas, so now my music experience on my iPhone is complete again. They are so comfortable and the sound is awesome, almost like my Bowers & Wilkins. So my siblings did well this year too. No complaining on my end this year. I am not a Christmasy person, but I do really love spending time with family, it is not that often we do this. And being the person I am I love being around people, tho I get to be too exhausted because of my illnesses. But it is worth it, I can relax when I get back home.
I know there are a lot of lonely people around, and wish that I could do something about it. But I have to see that I cannot solve all problems or people. Would love too tho. We spent Christmas Eve at my aunt and uncle, mom’s sister, with cousins and their cute dogs. We celebrate every other year, here and there. It is a tradition I really like, but I cannot help myself from feeling like an alien, an outcast in all social settings. Strange being able to see it all from above as a spectator to my own life. Am I acting proper, do I keep my mouth decent at all times? I struggle to follow the conversations but keep a smile on my face. Do not think I am not having a good time, I really do, it is just that it is hard, with the voices and spinning in my head. The unlogical thoughts and actions going on inside my head. I wish there were something that could “cure” this, but I know I have to learn how to cope with this shit. Why am I different from the others?
All the questions pile up inside my head, and I sit here wondering why? Feeling guilty of things I cannot even remember, feeling sedated and strange. Like I am visiting another life, and it is not mine. I do not know why I feel so weird at the moment, but the stress factor is here big time! And my head spins like a wheel at all times. I do not even remember what I am supposed to write at the moment, but there are still words and my fingers live their own life. So if this is messy, I am sorry, it is all just a mix of thoughts and feelings. There are things going on and I have lost control again. Feeling like I fail to try to be a person… I lost the count and I am saying I am sorry all the time. So hopefully 2016 will bring back the optimism.