Christmas Time


Christmas came again this year as every year, but the spirit of Christmas is not really here. It feels more like autumn about now. There is no snow or any Christmasy about this season this year. Tho we got through it seemingly, with the food, gifts, coffee, and cookies. I am pretty satisfied this year with all my presents. Useful gifts and stuff I need, sitting here in my new Panda pajamas and relaxing with my mom, sister and brother. Got new headphones for Christmas, so now my music experience on my iPhone is complete again. They are so comfortable and the sound is awesome, almost like my Bowers & Wilkins. So my siblings did well this year too. No complaining on my end this year. I am not a Christmasy person, but I do really love spending time with family, it is not that often we do this. And being the person I am I love being around people, tho I get to be too exhausted because of my illnesses. But it is worth it, I can relax when I get back home.

 

I know there are a lot of lonely people around, and wish that I could do something about it. But I have to see that I cannot solve all problems or people. Would love too tho. We spent Christmas Eve at my aunt and uncle, mom’s sister, with cousins and their cute dogs. We celebrate every other year, here and there. It is a tradition I really like, but I cannot help myself from feeling like an alien, an outcast in all social settings. Strange being able to see it all from above as a spectator to my own life. Am I acting proper, do I keep my mouth decent at all times? I struggle to follow the conversations but keep a smile on my face. Do not think I am not having a good time, I really do, it is just that it is hard, with the voices and spinning in my head. The unlogical thoughts and actions going on inside my head. I wish there were something that could “cure” this, but I know I have to learn how to cope with this shit. Why am I different from the others?

 

All the questions pile up inside my head, and I sit here wondering why? Feeling guilty of things I cannot even remember, feeling sedated and strange. Like I am visiting another life, and it is not mine. I do not know why I feel so weird at the moment, but the stress factor is here big time! And my head spins like a wheel at all times. I do not even remember what I am supposed to write at the moment, but there are still words and my fingers live their own life. So if this is messy, I am sorry, it is all just a mix of thoughts and feelings. There are things going on and I have lost control again. Feeling like I fail to try to be a person… I lost the count and I am saying I am sorry all the time. So hopefully 2016 will bring back the optimism.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

Sometimes It Is Not A Joke


My life is a joke, there is no use being alive, why should I, just give me one good reason. But How would I do it, the easiest way out is the pills. A death that’s not painful, but just falling asleep like any other night.My life is divided into two parts, the one where I am happy and the other one where I fuck everything up. It is always me, and I do everything wrong, so I do not know how to be anymore. I need help, self-harming is not enough for me anymore. I need something stronger, real, more frightening. Something that scares the shit out of me. Am I really worthy this life, am I worthy alive or is it better for me to be dead. My darkness is more and heavier this time. I try to turn it around to a more positive, but it is hard.

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But on the other hand, the light that keeps me alive, is everything and more powerful than me. But do he really understands how strong my love is for him. I do not know what to do anymore. Why am I not enough? Why is my life worth so little in comparison to other people. My life feels like a joke and I am the joker, so life is all a joke. But I try harder, work at it harder than ever before, just that I end up self-harmimg myself every time. But still it want get better so what is the use of being alive, when there is nothing to live for anymore. Why keep breathing, with a voice that is not heard. All the wrongs I do and everything I get blamed for. Is it all a joke, or is it really me? Every time I am sitting with the question; Is it fair?

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So I am cutting myself, I know is it stupid, that I am an idiot. I do not relly think that I should be here anymore. The more I think about it, the more sure I get: I am sick, tired and exhausted, how can I bare this burden? My life is just a joke, I am a burden to those whom I love and I do them wrong all the time. So it is true, I do not deserve to be happy, because every time I fuck it up. ending with hating myself even more than I already do. And this is not to get empathy or you to feel sorry for me. I am over that, I see blood and that is my satisfaction, the one thing that calms my nerves. But I still think, maybe it is some kind of a twisted joke, where I am the joker and really are not alive. I wish for the darkness, it is scaring me. How much I long for not being here in this world, where all I do is wrong no matter what or how hard I try.I keep distance, I leave you, I am going against my own beliefs. How is it that I am the only one that has to compromize? Am I really that bad, am I so much of a burden to handle? Or is it really anyone who can handle me?

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I feel so lonely it aches all over, I just want to keep on cutting and bleed to death! The ultimate peace and relief from my mind and myself. It is unbearable being me sometimes, and I do so many wrong things. even tho I try to correct all the errors, it is ending up with bigger black holes. The truth be told, is not a good idea to be honest. It is better to shut the hell up and do not fall in that gap. I wish I died instead of lived! How can someone love me, I feel that everything I do I  FUCK UP?

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Love,

Any Bryde

It Is A Little Bit Too Much Too Late


Life is not what you think, there are a lot of things that happens and will cross your path. Meeting new people, making friends, old ones disappointing you and leaving you hanging. I do not know how or what I did wrong. Missing someone you love is a hard thing. The moments passing by and memories flashing in front of my eyes. Who to trust, am I reliable, can I believe and trust my own head? Someone who blames you for your mistakes because of being mentally ill is that a person to trust? I try to be the best person I can, but clearly there is someone who is seeing it differently.

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Am I in the wrong here, is it all my fault? I am slowly starting to doubt myself again, losing everything I have built up. My insides are turning themselves inside out and I am sad again. Why do people disappear and tell me I am psycho? I am not, I can assure you. I know myself and I would never hurt someone I love. But my limit is reached, and I do not know if I can handle this anymore. The darkness takes over, sneaking up on me like the fog on a wet winter day. Are these people worth my love? Is it better to delete them from my life than keep trying to please them? I am starting leaning against deleting some of the people whom I love because I do not know if I can trust them anymore. there are not many people in my life I really trust, but as some disappear there are new ones arriving.

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Living life one day at the time is how I started doing things now, not planning for anything because it never goes the way I plan. I am sick of being the one who always has to compromise and changing who I am. Why do you not just take me for the person I am? We are all different, and that is the meaning. What if we were all the same, that would not be a reality worth being in. Sometimes I hate myself so much these days that I am thinking this world would be better without me in it. My heart is broken, my soul is darkening and starting to turn black. The evilness insides me awakens and want to take control. Losing this control is not good for me, but I cannot choose how my brain works. I am sorry, but the thought of not being alive is taking over and it starts to feel like I am not supposed to be here in this world…

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Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde