My Life Is Not Only Me


Every time when I wake up I just want to go to sleep again. My life it’s all in the shadow of the illness that we live with, we will never find the piece if you don’t let us be the person we are supposed to be, sometimes I feel so lost my. And the Wendelin I been living in it’s not real into people who I thought were hair for me just left. So alone in the shadows and in the light but still there’s still someone who cares for me. We love, we share, we cry and we care and that’s what it is all about the unconditionally love that we spread all around. Let the people in your life that you care and love them so they don’t have to go around and think about it.

I did not

I’m seeing people who I know needs help, but I can’t do that this time. I want to and in my dreams they show me that I should, but still I have to take care of myself this time. Because if I don’t do that no one will, the people we do things for doesn’t see it and just demands more. To Love someone that’s broken takes a lot of you, but the person you then love will give you buy your love multiply by infinity. We, the broken ones do not judge, we don’t lie, we then worked you with bad words, we only shine, because we want to best for you no matter what. We only want you to be happy because then that is when we are happy. But no one sees our sorrow, now I see our pain in the endless darkness that we have to go through almost every day just to get up, just to breathe and stay alive. There is a looking our eyes that difference us from other people, we are difference, we look at the world different, our eyes doesn’t see the same us as yours. That we are so lucky to see a beauty in everything around us, from the pumping colors on the trees to the white and the blue skies and over the sea. With transparent cover is just something you have to tear down. I know it’s hard but we manage, the only thing that you can do is to be a friend. My life is not only mine, I know the vibrations of the universe, so this time I’m leaving it all up to they universe and I’m asking you fulfill my dreams and don’t let people starve. Everybody needs to be taken care of we all have something deep inside that needs and want connections, but as someone said on YouTube no one wants relationships or connections anymore. They are too busy with themselves and how much money they are making.The world has become a place where you rule if you have a lot of money, and if you don’t your society will put you down on the bottom of the triangle you don’t mean nothing. And that hurts.

you know you're bipolar

My heart is broken now more than ever my inner self is crushed and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m going more and more crazy so I don’t want a lot of people around me, but still I want people. I cannot get anything then because I sleep all the time, I should have been at my doctor today and the Nav office but I have no energy. My life right now, my body right now, feel so empty and heavy this feeling is really unpleasant and all I want to do is sleep and I know what have to do things. So I don’t know anymore right now I just don’t know, so I will probably just try to survive the next weeks.

me

Love,

Any Bryde

Another Reality


I have to say that all the responses I have gotten are humbling and overwhelming! I would never expect this. I love you for giving feedbacks, comments, wishes and so on.. But sometimes I struggle with the arbitrary because of my brain has like 40% with this, it’s mostly my hands. This is the life I live, my daily “routines”, struggles, mental illnesses, friends, issues and so much more.. I just wish someone would sit down next to me and be here loving me while I fix myself. i don’t need you to fix me, but I surely, honestly do need companionship, friendship and love. This is not a romance novel about walking into the sunset and get married, as for now the space next to me can only be used by friends. Everyone else has left me… So I am done with that for a while. Knowing myself I will probably give you all a heads up when I am back in the dating zone.

relationships

Spring, sunshine, bare roads, less clothes and finally sunglasses. It should be a good season, but something is up.. And I am starting all this group therapy sessions as well, getting big time stressed and anxious just writing it.. I know there will be confrontations that I have to take part in no matter how much I will deny it! What if I just could have a house by the beach, infinitely music collections and the best sound system in the whole world. Of course I would need my dearest Mac for writing and not becoming a hermit, but people can visit me. The ones who needs to know will know where I am at. still I doubt my thoughts, because when I am observing and listening to people I am unsure if it is the same. And this really freaks me out. It is like I can hear you thinking about me, commenting negatively on everything I do. Sometimes I even restrict myself from going to the washroom because I am so afraid of what might be said while I’m gone. 

cover your soul

My insecurity and self image is completely destroyed, never knowing when it will come back or if.. A certain someone has made it sure that this goes on repeat in my head all day long. I was more lively, did not just sit on the same spot all night. Not that I entertained or anything, but I enjoyed myself, now I just feel like a burden. The shadow that no one can seem to shake off or run from.. The ghost that always hover above you when you sleep and the alien within… Why is my reality so different from yours, or is it that you all say these things to mess up my head. What happens to me when the old man visits?

Heaven and hell

Love,

Any Bryde

50 Shades Of Me


I do not know how it all will end, nor do the answers fit my questions. I just know that I still see you in the corner of my eyes all the time. Mostly I just want to run away, sell, pack it all and leave for greater and good living out a dream. But my insecurities makes everything a little difficult at the moment. I have taken distance, it does not really work for me, since my brain works against me. Somewhere I read that the generation that grows up today is losing their faith in love, and I can understand that. With deceiving, unfaithful, untrustworthy people who seem to fail us again and again, why should we? Maybe I am on my way to the dark place, but I have been thinking about if and who would miss me…? Tomorrow I am going to a funeral, my sisters man father died suddenly. Sad, but luckily without any pain, we can relate, losing our dad to cancer six years ago.

our hearts

I do not think the dead stay “dead” they are very much alive in my dreams and daily life. I talk to them, eat, touch, hug and smell them around me. People can call me weird and strange, I know now that I am way pass that anyway, so go ahead be judgmental if you want to. There are people in this small world that made their personal opinions against me and blocked me from a group “Bipolare Mennesker” it’s a Norwegian Facebook group, the lady Sylvi, did not like my personal opinions and was after me from day one. There are others in the same group writing the same as me, they did not get blocked or kicked out. So much for being Bipolar and knowing what it’s all about and being an administrative for a group. Straight to suicidal hell she sent me, I was almost so pissed that I wanted to cut, take a picture and post it on her wall! But breathe in and out, so I choose to be the bigger person. But I will stand my ground because I am not afraid of a discussion.

i have bipolar

On the other hand I am getting a blog post on another community on Facebook, Faces of Mental Illness, I don’t know exactly when it will be posted but soon-ish. It’s a big step for little me, being the loner here in Norway, never seemingly finding a place to call home. I pretend to be fine a lot, How can I tell you that I do not believe that anyone ever loved me and that everything is staged? I will break their hearts, just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I never asked for this, but at times it seems like a lot of you don’t recognize this. I actually sat myself down and watched 50 Shades Of Grey today, because of me falling asleep when I turned it on yesterday. It reminded me of a man, one I miss and wish were here or rather me there actually. I don’t know anything anymore, I feel numb, I want to sleep forever and at the same time I just want to conquer the world. Let everybody know that different, weird, strange and unfamiliar are ok. We will live to see another day, we have powers, we can do things! No one says it has to be done today… Except for the evil voices inside my head that are trying to put me down. They are the same who tells me negative things about me all the time, tells me what you all think about me and say about me… The wonderful world and life of Mental Illness!

Love is

Love,

Any Bryde