To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

I Have Been in And Out of Wonderland


When everything turns around on you and you suddenly get so sick that you do not even have the idea of being in a hospital it can be a really scary thing. But there are so many helpful health personals and friendly faces. The doctors made my life and my body free from all the diseases and infections. I had tremendous help and the staff did so much for me here at Diakonhjemmet. I was in a coma for two weeks, never been before and my body fought and got stuck with every needle you can think of. My small little me was filled with tubes and everything. While my family and boyfriend viditing me, but I was in a place far away from this reality…

you dont know

I’m so sorry for you who had to see me like this, but I can say that I better now. And my legs works again. Up and walking again, feeling almost “normal” now. But I would never hsve could done this without the help I have gotten here. I am eternely thankful and humbled over the work. One thing is sure and that is that you health personals should get higher saleries. But this is a country where life is not fair at all in this way. Where the majority og women appartently want to be artisits or authors, but there are not that many good writers. No effence, but i like non fiction… That is why I write about the serious stuff. So Yes I am awake and the time is 7am.. Been up since 5:30am, its the hospital… In the evening night time after my boyfriend leave there is not so much to do than to sleep… But I have been fighting and working for getting back up on my feet again. And here I am! Up and going.

train your mind

My life is changed, never been in a coma before, two weeks! And waking after being in a coma is not pleasant at all. Is confusing and scary. I really did get an awakinging after this experience. And being in a hospital for almost one month is a long time! Just for you my friends all over the world, do not think I am gone, I have been in a place where I would never wish my worst enemy have to go. So take care of yourselves and your health, do not go crazy like I did this time. I will write more about this, but right now I just don’t know what to write or remember, it’s time to take care of me and mine as you did for me!

me

And writitng in Norwegian is not even my style, the language lack some words, so it all seems more poor in my opinion. But to you whom write in Norwegian, good job, you found a voice within yourselves.

Love,

Any Bryde