To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Conspiracy Against Me…


I have to do a short one before I’m going out this evening.. Will probably be back for more writing soon. The thing is, this is my REAL life, I live this every single day, I use my voice and follow my inner soul. It says  write, write it all, here, don’t care about judgment. But I will say, because this is important, I’m not a professional medical, doctor, PHD Psychiatrist, farmacist or anything like this. I don’t advise people to follow my action and doings.

You see, I have a bad case of “believing” for real, even tho it cannot be possible, can it? That the whole world is after me, got together, made this deal, lets give her miXed messages her whole life, all time. This means every human I met, not animals… And some of the comments here, I  LOVE THEM, but then there are those who I turn into this huge conspiracy because of things i write… 

Please tell me this isn’t real… But all made up in my head (even tho I probably won’t believe that either yet…) I’M SO SORRY 😦

Love,

Any Bryde

50 Shades Of Me


I do not know how it all will end, nor do the answers fit my questions. I just know that I still see you in the corner of my eyes all the time. Mostly I just want to run away, sell, pack it all and leave for greater and good living out a dream. But my insecurities makes everything a little difficult at the moment. I have taken distance, it does not really work for me, since my brain works against me. Somewhere I read that the generation that grows up today is losing their faith in love, and I can understand that. With deceiving, unfaithful, untrustworthy people who seem to fail us again and again, why should we? Maybe I am on my way to the dark place, but I have been thinking about if and who would miss me…? Tomorrow I am going to a funeral, my sisters man father died suddenly. Sad, but luckily without any pain, we can relate, losing our dad to cancer six years ago.

our hearts

I do not think the dead stay “dead” they are very much alive in my dreams and daily life. I talk to them, eat, touch, hug and smell them around me. People can call me weird and strange, I know now that I am way pass that anyway, so go ahead be judgmental if you want to. There are people in this small world that made their personal opinions against me and blocked me from a group “Bipolare Mennesker” it’s a Norwegian Facebook group, the lady Sylvi, did not like my personal opinions and was after me from day one. There are others in the same group writing the same as me, they did not get blocked or kicked out. So much for being Bipolar and knowing what it’s all about and being an administrative for a group. Straight to suicidal hell she sent me, I was almost so pissed that I wanted to cut, take a picture and post it on her wall! But breathe in and out, so I choose to be the bigger person. But I will stand my ground because I am not afraid of a discussion.

i have bipolar

On the other hand I am getting a blog post on another community on Facebook, Faces of Mental Illness, I don’t know exactly when it will be posted but soon-ish. It’s a big step for little me, being the loner here in Norway, never seemingly finding a place to call home. I pretend to be fine a lot, How can I tell you that I do not believe that anyone ever loved me and that everything is staged? I will break their hearts, just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I never asked for this, but at times it seems like a lot of you don’t recognize this. I actually sat myself down and watched 50 Shades Of Grey today, because of me falling asleep when I turned it on yesterday. It reminded me of a man, one I miss and wish were here or rather me there actually. I don’t know anything anymore, I feel numb, I want to sleep forever and at the same time I just want to conquer the world. Let everybody know that different, weird, strange and unfamiliar are ok. We will live to see another day, we have powers, we can do things! No one says it has to be done today… Except for the evil voices inside my head that are trying to put me down. They are the same who tells me negative things about me all the time, tells me what you all think about me and say about me… The wonderful world and life of Mental Illness!

Love is

Love,

Any Bryde