To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Comments, Heads Ups and My Readers


I get so many comments, its unbelievable and I cannot understand that its my words. This makes me feel humble and at least have one thing that is only mine. Because the way we place our words will never be the same and I definitely don’t want to seem like anything, just don’t .. I’m actually kind of speechless because a lot of the comments are just a bunch of pink and fluffy clouds. When I sit here with them now. When I found them, I have a little doubt they’re meant for me? Everything seems so unreal and everything is going so fast now, there’s no breaks no nothing. And then I sit here thinking about, you, my lovely readers who have grown and will keep on going. Then again do I holding on on my dream tighter and tighter as I can see and almost touch. Here one that really touches down in the core:ComPliment

This gives me the push to go out there, throw myself after my dream instead of waiting on my turn. What if I’m in the foreverline because I done something bad, not very likely, but then again and I don’t think reality and dreams are a  mixture now. I slept away a day, doctors appointment and all, guessing it got something to do with Course at Modum. Its going to be different from how I spend my time. But its me, and since its all about to hit the fantastico of fulfilled and over the top with everything. It was finally karma catching up at last… SO I’m doing this for real, for the first time as long as I have been alive, have I never ask for a favour or a tip towards if there are places, ink on paper meant by my hands. Do someone out here know anyone who can help with, Its import to share and open up the world?? And I did also just now experiencing my piece missing, but it came back ..

roundabout

Like I have said, this is just me, my days and never forget the people inside, animals and the vibration of the earth! But at last I have found my book in norwegian, for someone, I don’t even remember what I was writing abou. But it came, But I haven’t done it yet, I know what to write in my book. I don’t know if it’s smart to say something at all, but hey you are my crowd, my audience that listen or read to all this is my life how it should be having projects and getting my fingers in the game. 

I’m so sorry for you who I haven’t answered personally, but suddenly it was 2-400! And to me this is much.. I’m just trying to see how it is and just for fun i googled my new title, Crazy Might Be Me, I was on the top here. I was hidden in the open, but I got myself dusted off now.

Thank to you, you amazingly and wonderful souls!

Love,

Any Bryde

Karma, Love and Honesty


The older I get, the more I feel that I’m losing myself. The people around me speak about me behind my back, they tell lies, but none of them dare to say them to my face. Lets say you are a “psychic” and you tell other people to stay away from me because I use drug, duh, its my medicine. Its sometimes self medication but what’s the difference between that and drinking toxic coca cola or alcohol every day to oblivion? There are so many hypocrites out there, just after my money! You should get your head out of your asses and I will also assure you that karma will come and bite you in the ass!

not killing you

I had a guy in my life when we were in high school, I was so in love, for almost a decade I was sure we were meant for each other. I thought you were the love of my life, but there was too much silence, secrets, not sharing, you not letting me in under your skin and I tried. You tried, but in the end we are not for each other even tho i wished for it! You had your problems to sort out and when you were not willing to do that there was no relationship happening. The saddest part is that we cannot even be friends and I would really like and appreciate that. We have known each other over half our lives, lived in the same city all our lives. Yes I fucked up, but I’m only “human” and I think you really need a friend, I want to be here for you!

in life forever

I feel broken, there is nothing that can fix me, the hole keeps growing and my world gets darker. In the darkness I feel safe, comfortable, like a living dead and not so alone because I have all my monsters with me. You can laugh, pretend you don’t know that I am writing about you, to be honest I want you to know but I still don’t care. Because I grew over the past years and you have never hurt me physically only emotionally. And I have hurt you, I am sorry, wish there were someway I could make it go away.

become who you areused to the pain

Fixing myself is the hardest and most challenging thing I ever have to go through. I don’t know how long it will take, nor do I know if I really can do it on my own to be honest! There is one person in this world who broke me like I was a stick. I wish I could hurt you back, put you in a wheelchair, make you have no feeling from the neck and down. But I’m not that kind if a person, I don’t play dirty, I do this fair and square. The right way, with proof, through lawyers and the police. Don’t worry, you won’t even know.. BUT People seldom accept abusers of any kind you know! You can blame me for every word in the dictionary, I did not have these diagnoses then. But I have pictures, voice memos, bruises, traumas and its all because of you! I will never forgive you, but I have moved on, because I know people like you will get what you deserve because there are no secrets here anymore and I’m not the fragile girl you broke down five years ago!

she apologized

And then it is you, the man in my heart and soul that I love so much. The one I never knew existed, the one I am so afraid of losing to someone better, prettier, sexier, smarter and all that. The one I keep in my heart because there is something telling me we really are meant for each other. I do believe in love and I have always and will always! So I love you now, yesterday and forever…

So i love you

Love,

Any Bryde