My life is not as I wished for these days, but I am on my way to recovery and there is only positivity in the future… I have been through enough roller-coasters now and would be pleased and happy to just be for a while. Tomorrow is the big day, going away to this place, Lovisenberg DPS, hope this facility helps me and do the right things for me. I feel as my world is falling down around me. There is no pause button, it all just happens at once. Why is it so in the life of a struggler, is it not enough to try just to live this life?
And where did you go? You left my side and changed it with this childish being. So I feel small and insufficient. I am deep in love with the feeling of love, the light is the best as you can feel it cover you as a blanket. You need to be more selfish, stand on your own two feet again, as I have in some way deliberately leaned on others. I help other people that I care about instead of helping myself, and in the end this is not good for me, but my Bipolar side loves it. It is like playing a part or a character if you will. I am a little nervous about tomorrow and the days to come, but I have an open mind and hope they will be right for me. Leaving my life behind is hard, as I feel that I am losing people, but this will show me my true friends. I do not need a lot of people, I just need the ones that truly cares for me and will be here no matter what. I feel like hiding, but who will seek if no one knows?
I do not feel as me anymore, it is like this shell that breaks. You know the eggshell is hard, but if you drop it it will break… So with this:
I want someone to hold my hand when I am sad and lonely. Someone that will be here for me no matter what and don’t lie to me. Is this to much to ask for? Am I being too needy? Whats is wrong with you people, sneaking around behind others back, fucking around and being dishonest. I do not care for this, I really hate it when people get hurt. I would rather live in a bubble, with only me and mine, than being a part of a fucked-up-affair!
Doesn’t we all want the same, someone to be with? The one that take your breath away, non the less makes your whole world smile in one instant second. I wish you knew how much love I have to give, how powerful the number of two is and how great life could be. So as I sit alone, I re-think my life as my thoughts do this rapid-cycling. I always choose the wrong people, being abused and used again and again. Not knowing where I went wrong. Being unable to see it clearly and not realising before it is to late is now my brand as a Bipolar person. I do not like my medicine anymore, they make me numb and sleepy. So I am on the search for something new, whatever that means. I am sure you will see a lot of different stuff in the future now that I have my appointment locked down. Cutting down on meds and all that will be a struggle and I am anxious about it. Nervous and a little bit afraid! Wishing someone was here walking me through this, baby steps. So please comment and tell your own experiences around this. I feel alone and lost! I just want to come back, be a part of something again. Do not leave me in the shadow, because I cannot sparkle or shine when I am there.
Valium cuts of everything, I just become this big blob of human flesh… Feeling not like myself at all! I need someone to take care of me, so I can just be for a second…
I see the sun shining outside my window, but still I cannot bear myself to go outside in this spring-teas.
I love it when my mom comes for a day in Oslo, like she did today. It’s the best and helps me a lot! I know you think of me and I am lucky to have you and love you!
We spent the day with coffee, accidentally running into sister and the hubby. They left for Thailand, we went shopping, eat dinner at Big Horn Steak House and brother joined as well.
It takes a lot of energy for me to be out all day, but spending the day with family puts a smile on my dark clouds that hovers above. It is not easy being me at the moment, but I am hoping I will be back soon. I am just happy that I have good people in my life and I will take all advice given. I know my mind tricks me at times and I struggle with wrong choices. It would have been easier to cope if I was hospitalized sooner than later. The waiting is unbearable and long! What am I to do when I hardly can’t do anything?
This makes me feel down, depressed, confused and misplaced. But there is one other thing that helps my mood thus it also makes me a little bit unsure..
As Sex and The City rolls in the background I am easily taken back a few years. Remembering how this show “talked” to me. Like I always think in my head that tv-shows, movies, songs etc is about me and my… And then I am gone in Wonderland!
Last Thursday I met my good friend, Marita, and she gave me these beautiful roses! We were meeting, since I couldn’t meet her on Tuesday. I’m glad she’s so patience and kind! She made my day, flowers make me happy! It’s nice when people do nice things! Thank you, I love you loads and even tho we are different, you are one of my best friends! Friends are like family, you love them no matter what!