To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

Love Can Kill Us


We are all vulnerable like snowflakes and the skies that pass over the sky like in front of our eyes, without control or a guidance to follow. But when you meet a person to stand still with it all makes sense, even when the shit hits. So follow your heart, never let your logic take over. Love with all your senses, like you, are supposed to. When someone you love dies it hurts like hell, but the broken heart heals itself. The you have the heartbreak from love, that really can kill you even if you have never thought about it or believed it.

realitionships

I wish I was a butterfly in the sky, flying so high being free like doves  are. Maybe someday I will see you all again on the other side waiting for me as it is a reunion. We come together, but what for? Is it all make-believe or is it faith that stops by and pulling us back? Living life-like a soldier to a society that we do not like, paying bills, struggling for life. I wish things were easier, but it seems like a never-ending story that goes around like the morning-glory. Love and hate do it, they belong together so we have to feel the darkness as clear as daylight. Hiding behind the curtains like a vampire in a coffin. Is this all? Shouldn’t there be more than this? Like flower power, love and passion?

My dad RIP

Why can we not be free and together, living off the grid and don’t care about the system? Is it all the paper that controls us or is it just for show? We do not need all these things you know. Why not just sell it all and buy an island and live under the sun and smile all day long? Never worry about the bills, money, future or the government that is put here just to control our lives, and tell us the biggest lie of them all; “You are free to do whatever you want, you will always have your freedom!”

freedom

When time stands still that is when we know we are alive, the moment is now, do not waste it. We never know when the bus comes to get us. And then it’s too late to regret, life should be lived and not contemplated. Do not get to stuck up in all we have to do, that others tell us. Follow your own heart and soul, we all really have different tasks to unfold. It is just the society that will and tell us that we have to do this and that. We really do not have to do anything we do not want to. As for us mentally ill, we have it really hard in this society, just calling out asking for help is a long stretch. And can feel like death because we afraid of the telephone or being rejected. I try to understand, but I am losing hours, minutes and even my own words. It could be the others me that take over, but there not so many people believing this. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar, Borderline is not easy. I am afraid of being alone because I never know what might happen. And I am afraid of reaching out to people because of being too much.

flower me

So in all honesty I want to disappear into oblivion, just be a star in the universe…

Love,

Any Bryde