There’s a time in your life where you discover the realness in the people you mix in your circle. Life is not always a shining star. But believing that the stars go away forever occur not for everybody. You will have the ones that have already made up their minds about how and what you are. As for myself, I have noticed that the ones that tell you that honesty is the most important thing in their world are the ones that will stab you in the back when the wheels are turned. And then the scariest thing is that they do not admit or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. I do not feel sorry for these people, nor do I have empathy for these souls. Like they say, you grow as you go and life will always represent you with lemons. The lemonade will sometimes turn out so sour that it is hard not to choke on them.
There are two ways of living life, you can do it honestly and open and then there are the liars they think they are safe and sound. But in reality, they are the struggles, the ones who has huge issues with themselves and everything they see in the mirror. Yes, I am the one with eating disorders sitting alone here at Hells Kitchen with my pizza and my beer. But I am really doing everything to turn my life around. There is no joke in this, hiding begin the curtains or trying to be someone I am not. I do live with my heart on my sleeve and it is for the whole wide world to see! But it I do not think you can see the truth behind your own kind! Honestly, I think you or some of you really needs a crash course to see reality and the real world.
You close your eyes to the real things and think no one can break your perfect little bubble. But let me enlighten you about a few things; We live in “open” world, no matter all the lies you post on social media and brag about your achievements. There will come the day where you all will be recognized, lies and all! It is the reality of life, I am an independent, I do not care anymore. I am really satisfied. With seeing the truth I see your eyes, the words that you spit from your narrow sited fucked up mouth! It is not about how much money you have, what you find in your closet or how you dress. It is all about your vibration and energy. How you leave your print if you are good or a bad seed…
Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.
Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this safe and sound.
The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.
The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.
Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.
But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.
I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.
I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.
But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.
Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.
So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.
I know I do not believe everything people say these days, do not believe when people tell us they promised you something anymore because they will always fuck it up and I am always left alone. I do not want this for someone else anymore more, there is nothing more to say I do not want to live anymore so this is not to say goodbye to you all I do not mean to hurt you I just sick of the feeling to be a burden for you anymore. Take control over your own life and do not think about me at all, I am fine where I am I found peace. Do not ever think about me please I am fine and I would never be happier than that I am right now. So find something in your life the worth your love, devotion and time. I wish for the small stuff. Find the person that loves you no matter what, the one that will be there for you and love you no matter what. I wish I could be the one but unfortunately, I am dead already inside. But on the other hand, I have a whole new me that has come out from the darkness.
I went through a lot in 2015, my body is slowly recovering. And at the same time, I got to know I have been getting the wrong medicine so I quit them. I will not lie, this feels like hell and heaven, but so much more. Some medicine almost paralyzed me and I felt like an empty shell walking alone. Now I see, again I have complete access to my brain and yes it is chaotic and making me very aware of my illnesses. I have been away, my brain and body have been elsewhere and everything around me has been really hard to deal with. But something has given me a new of seeing myself. I remember what made me try different medications and how I felt. Because now I am back here, enjoying it and at the same moment hating it. But this is my reality and I am happier here! Yet I am going to a clinic again, hoping for the right help. And my mask is off.
So here I am, still looking and searching. Will this game never end, is it an ongoing thing that I cannot shake off..? My feelings and my heart are lost, like a needle in the haystack. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all I want is to stay inside my apartment and wait. Wait for the next one to crush my heart, soul and bones. Shattered like a graveyard and a million pieces of glass all over. I lost my heart along the way from there to here and now I am blinded and filled with tears every day and night.