Will You Ever Understand


I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.

I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.

But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.

Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.

So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.

IMG_8816

Love,

Any Bryde

Advertisements

To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Am I Left Alone?


There are these days now where I feel that everyone is turning against me. Every time I enter a room, an apartment, leave a room, look at someone or move I hear these negative words; What the hell is it with her, she looks crazy, why does her eyes do that and mouth shivers? She was fine like two minutes ago and suddenly she turned, how the hell did that happen, what has she eaten or been drinking? She has these eyeballs that just pops out, damn she is really freaky and ugly and what happened with the vibe when she entered the room?

panic attack

Yes I love Panic attacks, anxiety and all that shit, I have such huge problems with it now that I really do not know how to trust anymore. The only place where I really can feel a little comfortable is in my own apartment, alone, but this is not a life, it is like a prison in my own mind. No gates, hallways, doors, escape routes, people, there is no one here to help me out of my hell hole. I get that I might have to reach out to you, but I really do, at least in my mind I do… I am open about my mental illnesses, and everybody knows how much time I spend alone. Maybe you do not know the extent of what I do when I am alone, but some of it is scary for me to share, I am so afraid for you to be sad fro my, worry, I really do not want to be a burden. I just want to be free, fly like the birds in the sky, leave this place and never come back. There are so few people I trust now and some of the people I love the most are actually dead or have left me for other reasons. There was a time where I could see a weak light in the end of this tunnel of life, but I do not have that voice inside my head to tell me to go on and it will be better anymore. I lost my soul in 2005, he died and at the same time I lost myself. We were supposed to be together, get married, start a family and all that. You are not supposed to lose your lover at such a young age. I was his first everything, yes we had our problem, partying, drugs, but I cleaned up my act and he tried as hard as he could. He was there for me and I for him. It is really hard for me to write this, but I have to get it out, the burden that flushes over me every year on these dates are almost unbearable. The worst thing is that I do not even think no one knows, because I am actually a private person, I do not like to bother other, I am the observer in the corner. The one that people confess to, and I carry everybody’s secrets.

Nightmares to dreams

I am broken, there is no where in hell anyone will stay with me – everybody leaves and they never come back. When will I meet that person that is afraid of losing me, if I ever get that second chance again. I am not build for being alone, honestly I would rather not be here. Why is it that every time we meet another person, it normally ends up with the one liking the other more…? I never get it, why is it never worth fighting for? I of course as many of you have failed in a lot of relationships, but that is the part of growing up, never put all your eggs in one basket. So as time flies, months, years, grey hairs, wrinkles and all that just fades, what is left? I honestly say with my hand on my heart, that the one that I will commit to, if it comes to that before the end, I will be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, make a life, kids, argue, make up, smile, laugh travel, cook and just be the one that always loves him!

Love,

Any Bryde