There are these days now where I feel that everyone is turning against me. Every time I enter a room, an apartment, leave a room, look at someone or move I hear these negative words; What the hell is it with her, she looks crazy, why does her eyes do that and mouth shivers? She was fine like two minutes ago and suddenly she turned, how the hell did that happen, what has she eaten or been drinking? She has these eyeballs that just pops out, damn she is really freaky and ugly and what happened with the vibe when she entered the room?
Yes I love Panic attacks, anxiety and all that shit, I have such huge problems with it now that I really do not know how to trust anymore. The only place where I really can feel a little comfortable is in my own apartment, alone, but this is not a life, it is like a prison in my own mind. No gates, hallways, doors, escape routes, people, there is no one here to help me out of my hell hole. I get that I might have to reach out to you, but I really do, at least in my mind I do… I am open about my mental illnesses, and everybody knows how much time I spend alone. Maybe you do not know the extent of what I do when I am alone, but some of it is scary for me to share, I am so afraid for you to be sad fro my, worry, I really do not want to be a burden. I just want to be free, fly like the birds in the sky, leave this place and never come back. There are so few people I trust now and some of the people I love the most are actually dead or have left me for other reasons. There was a time where I could see a weak light in the end of this tunnel of life, but I do not have that voice inside my head to tell me to go on and it will be better anymore. I lost my soul in 2005, he died and at the same time I lost myself. We were supposed to be together, get married, start a family and all that. You are not supposed to lose your lover at such a young age. I was his first everything, yes we had our problem, partying, drugs, but I cleaned up my act and he tried as hard as he could. He was there for me and I for him. It is really hard for me to write this, but I have to get it out, the burden that flushes over me every year on these dates are almost unbearable. The worst thing is that I do not even think no one knows, because I am actually a private person, I do not like to bother other, I am the observer in the corner. The one that people confess to, and I carry everybody’s secrets.
I am broken, there is no where in hell anyone will stay with me – everybody leaves and they never come back. When will I meet that person that is afraid of losing me, if I ever get that second chance again. I am not build for being alone, honestly I would rather not be here. Why is it that every time we meet another person, it normally ends up with the one liking the other more…? I never get it, why is it never worth fighting for? I of course as many of you have failed in a lot of relationships, but that is the part of growing up, never put all your eggs in one basket. So as time flies, months, years, grey hairs, wrinkles and all that just fades, what is left? I honestly say with my hand on my heart, that the one that I will commit to, if it comes to that before the end, I will be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, make a life, kids, argue, make up, smile, laugh travel, cook and just be the one that always loves him!