To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back


Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.

  

Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?

  

Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.

  

Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.

   

Love,

Any Bryde

Around The Lost and Found


It would have been my dads 68th birthday today, but he passed away from cancer six years ago and I miss him every day. He is always on my mind and I would give a lot to have him back or just to have one last conversation with him again. There is so much I want to tell him. My life has changed and so has I at least a little I think. I finally got to go on a cruise and with a real man that knows how to treat me right. I found out what’s more important for me, my values, point of views, how much I should accept from another person and where I should draw my line. Hopefully soon when I believe that I am enough and that I don’t need to be more than a good person spreading positive vibes and leaving a mark on the world that someone someday might can use for something good. I would love to share it all with you, because I have been through so much you won’t even believe half of it, but I will gladly share with you all. But you already knew that, at least some of you. 

Forever

I have to say, again, I’m so humble that there are so many of your reading what I write and you are from all over the world! I love it and you! You are growing and that gives me so much more than you can ever imagine. I write for myself, but also for the ones that don’t dare to, have a voice, the opportunity or just wants to read. Hopefully this can give some of you the feeling of being less alone and lost in your own little universe like I was and sometimes still am. 

the secret

I was so depressed for months when the summer was here and now when the autumn has arrived my mood decided to jump and put me on this manic rollercoaster. My minds races, the fingers run wild and the shaky hands and feet are worse. I get a little embarrassed because of the shaking and when I’m starting to suddenly sweat from nothing. It makes me doubt myself, feel unsure and paranoid. I think that everyone who looks at me or in my eyes are looking for flaws just to judge me in their head. Hopefully most times it just from my anxieties and medication, but I don’t think I have talked about it to anyone you never know. Of course I can take valiums for it and often I have to because it is so bad. Like when I’m putting on nail polish, it takes forever, my left hand is way worse than the right. Why that is I don’t have an explanation for. So it is what it is.

Trust your own madness

I “love” my manic periods because I “feel better”, sociable, verbal online and offline, productive, energetic, get out more, eat less, listen to really loud music (preferably Vocal Deep House mixes), spending sprees, rearrange my apartment take more valium and talk a lot and really fast about everything and nothing! But this also exhaust both me and the people I surround myself with from time to time. And the weather has no impact on me whatsoever. I also noticed that I sometimes “forget” to take my meds on time even tho I have alarms set every single day, or else I would have forgotten all about them. But it also throws some kind of shame-ish thing over me, because when I look back at it I know it’s the other side of my BD. Like when the depression hits me I lay on my sofa, binging on Tv-shows & movies, self harm, get easily irritated, listen to “sad” music preferable lyrics, still goes on spending sprees, go to bed early, wake up early (I think that its a little weird), spends days weeks or months inside my own little bubble.

I simply love

The winter season is always hard for me because I lost people I love and care about, people who died way too early and I would give anything to bring them back. It doesn’t get easier, but time passes no matter how much I cry or dwell. So living with it is the only way, remembering all the good times and talk to them a little every day before I go to sleep. Sometimes I do this out loud and sometimes in my heart, because I truly believe they can hear me in some way or another. One of my considerable greatest fear is losing someone I love, and this has happened a few times more than I ever could have imagined already. I know it is the way this life is, but sometimes it feels unfair and I have the right to think that. But this has also learned me to be more honest, open up, stay loyal to those whom are loyal to me, cherish moments both the big as well as the small ones. But I have also created healthier relationships with the people I love, both friends and family.

you are always in my heart

I think I have gotten to the point where I almost believe myself when I say, you have to take me for who I am, if not.. I’m sorry to say; Stay where you are…

Love,

Any Bryde