To Fall In Love Six Feet Under

I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….


But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.


I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.


But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.



Any Bryde

What Happens When I Am Taking It Back

Now the table has turned, I am in control and I am slowly learning what is positive energy and negative energy. There are so many people who is only interested in one thing, themselves. There is no wrong in putting yourself first, but what about the other person? Is it something that is too selfish? Or is that a synonym for being like a fish, they do it all by themselves… Swim around int he big ocean. Of course there are fishes that travels in sheep herds. And the other ones like wolf’s, but still they travel in companionship. They have families, small packs of someone being on the same frequency. It is good to have people on the same level as you. Or at least that they understand you.


Me I am in an own world where the wonderland is becoming more and more real. It is like everything is flourishing, blossoming up and out. To an extend that is out of my reach. But I am hanging on, to the thread that takes me to this wonderful new place. Here the fall has come, faster than I knew, because of me being in a coma.The world of earth, people, animals and all the other living creatures here. Is a place where you follow this routine. I do not look upon it. Think it is a little or actually very boring. I find my self alone..again, know it is not me. But every thought and film in my head plays you on repeat. Where did you go? Am I so bad that you had to run away?


Is it my personalities that destroys me, I am sorry, but there are so many things in my head, maybe not “normal” like some of you, but still here. Living and breathing, so now I know I want to live, this life, with the fighting against the eternal light I won. So why not just try to recover myself to me again. My personas will always follow me, everywhere. But tha fact that I know this is in my head, it is ok with me. I look “normal” on the outside, from you whom do not have the trained eye. They see my manic state, my eager to run around and do something all the time. Nothing going fast enough! I bet there are many of you recognizing yourselves in this picture. I know so well I am not alone in this place. Having Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorder and still doing self-harming. It is a life that I now have chosen to accept. It is me, I cannot change these, but I can try to live along with them.


Of course I look different from some of you, I am not “normal” in any way, I see things, hear voices and a little crazy. Never underestimate yourself, even with a chronic disease. You will make it, just follow your heart and soul.



Any Bryde

Love Can Kill Us

We are all vulnerable like snowflakes and the skies that pass over the sky like in front of our eyes, without control or a guidance to follow. But when you meet a person to stand still with it all makes sense, even when the shit hits. So follow your heart, never let your logic take over. Love with all your senses, like you, are supposed to. When someone you love dies it hurts like hell, but the broken heart heals itself. The you have the heartbreak from love, that really can kill you even if you have never thought about it or believed it.


I wish I was a butterfly in the sky, flying so high being free like doves  are. Maybe someday I will see you all again on the other side waiting for me as it is a reunion. We come together, but what for? Is it all make-believe or is it faith that stops by and pulling us back? Living life-like a soldier to a society that we do not like, paying bills, struggling for life. I wish things were easier, but it seems like a never-ending story that goes around like the morning-glory. Love and hate do it, they belong together so we have to feel the darkness as clear as daylight. Hiding behind the curtains like a vampire in a coffin. Is this all? Shouldn’t there be more than this? Like flower power, love and passion?

My dad RIP

Why can we not be free and together, living off the grid and don’t care about the system? Is it all the paper that controls us or is it just for show? We do not need all these things you know. Why not just sell it all and buy an island and live under the sun and smile all day long? Never worry about the bills, money, future or the government that is put here just to control our lives, and tell us the biggest lie of them all; “You are free to do whatever you want, you will always have your freedom!”


When time stands still that is when we know we are alive, the moment is now, do not waste it. We never know when the bus comes to get us. And then it’s too late to regret, life should be lived and not contemplated. Do not get to stuck up in all we have to do, that others tell us. Follow your own heart and soul, we all really have different tasks to unfold. It is just the society that will and tell us that we have to do this and that. We really do not have to do anything we do not want to. As for us mentally ill, we have it really hard in this society, just calling out asking for help is a long stretch. And can feel like death because we afraid of the telephone or being rejected. I try to understand, but I am losing hours, minutes and even my own words. It could be the others me that take over, but there not so many people believing this. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar, Borderline is not easy. I am afraid of being alone because I never know what might happen. And I am afraid of reaching out to people because of being too much.

flower me

So in all honesty I want to disappear into oblivion, just be a star in the universe…


Any Bryde