So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

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In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

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No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde

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It Is Not Me


Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.

Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this  safe and sound.

The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.

The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.

Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.

But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.

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Love,

Any Bryde

The Reality When You Scream For Help at Incognito Klinikken


I would think in a country like Norway they would take us more serious. We are like 5 million people living here and I have to say that of course there are health personnel, psychologists, doctors and hospitals that are amazing. But then you have the places that really do not care about us, patients, that are not taken seriously. We feel rejected, and the fear and anxiety every time someone rejects us gets tougher to get through. And remember, YOU are really helping to destroy a human being shouting out for help. For instance; Incognito Klinikken, where I am being “sent”… So there are two weeks waiting for my appointment. I called the yesterday, explained my situation and told them I need a place ASAP! And I cannot wait two weeks, it could be I do not survive this waiting period. So what did the lady on the other end say; “we cannot help you.” So naturally I hang up and I do NOT want to go here anymore. You do not help us, you send us right into a suicidal spiral!

Working with humans with chronic illnesses you would think they would have another understanding or at least view into a person destroyed reality?! I can tell you all if I am not strong enough to survive this period it is all the Incognito Klinikken responsibility!

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I can promise you I am going through one of my deepest, darkest, worst and unbearable depression in my life. I broke down two days ago and been crying ever since. And calling for help, telling them and begging them to take me in did not work, so FUCK YOU! I do not think you really want to help us, you think we are a burden to stuff away in a dark corner and telling us we have an addiction problem! But I will give you a news flash; I suffer and live with a combination of mental illnesses, and you as health personnel should know how dangerous this is! I do not want to “give” my life and security to you because you made me feel unworthy on the phone when I, myself called and asked for help now! I hang up and no one called me back yet! It has been a day, what if… I can honestly tell you that I want to go around feeling like the hell, unworthy, darkness I do now than ever letting you treat me or put medicine in me! I have seen the bad side of psychiatry in Norway, but also the positive one! And the places we get the help we need, the understanding and support are amazing. Thus, you know, you so called “professionals”, it is a short way from life to death!

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if you could see the realness of these illnesses, me losing almost 8 kg in a MONTH! Crying in front of people and to my psychologists is something I have never done before! And one other thing, I am not one that silent patient that you probably hoped for! I tell my story to the whole world and I never let stuff out! Taking care of people is your job; WHAT FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?!

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Love,

Any Bryde

No Escaping This


Last day in Tønsberg and Christmas is over. I am relieved and looking forward to coming home to my apartment and Oslo. I do not know why I am the way I am, but I am sure there is only a few of you whom really understand me or even dear I say try too. I know it is not easy, but there are certain things you just do not say to someone who struggles with mental illness. Being the only one in my family who really have psychiatric problems, it is always on my mind how different I am. I know I seem normal from the outside, but spend a day in my head and you will see why I am on welfare. It is not easy nor something I am proud of. But I do not have a place in the normal standards. Where there are people telling me, “you should just or why do you not do this?” I do not have an answer, but I can tell you that I am working harder and more than a lot of you. I never get a holiday or days off, this is a 24/7 job that has no loopholes. There is no going around this.

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I feel lost and alone, just longing after someone that understands. It is a lonely life being stuck inside your own brain, where there is no escaping the reality. But I know that love is some kind of a medicine, but it can also be a problem. I have enough things to struggle with daily, so if you add to this by not being understanding, it makes everything seem hopeless. And that is how I see my life at the moment. I do not know where I went to the left instead of right, but somewhere down this road, I turned and now I cannot find my way back. What happen to the trust and honesty? It feels like I am a guest in my own life, that it is another me who walks around every day. Looking outside now, it is actually snowing, and again I feel misplaced. This world is not for me, I am guessing there has to be another reason why I am here. There has to be more than just this. All this waiting, all the time. I know that I am patient, but hey there is a limit for how much I can handle and soon my limits are way over reached and too far gone.

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I write to get rid of the pain, as for sharing my life with you, and might help or give you whom struggle with the same issues either having someone in your life with the same problems or having the diagnoses yourself. I want people to open up and see how much work it is all the time. We have medicine reminding us every day, not feeling that we are good enough for anything, having the need to self-harm, suicidal thoughts and the voices. Yes, we take things way too personal, but it is how we are put together. So please let us be and maybe someday we will bloom and grow. But until then I still think that I am unworthy and not good enough for this life. It is a lonely feeling that you who does not struggle with mental illness will never understand. Sitting in a room and cutting myself, seeing the blood is my only cure for now. But I know it is not healthy or a solution for my problem.

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I just need you to be here, talk about stuff and not leaving me alone with everything inside, because there is no escaping this.

Love,

Any Bryde