pain

It Is Not Me

/ 김유화

Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.

Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this  safe and sound.

The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.

The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.

Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.

But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.

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Love,

Any Bryde

Will You Ever Understand

/ 김유화

I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.

I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.

But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.

Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.

So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.

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Love,

Any Bryde

To Fall In Love Six Feet Under

/ 김유화

I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

Once Upon A Time In Mentalville

/ 김유화 / 2 Comments

There are times where you feel mentally raped, because the good words you thought maybe meant something just turned to shit.. So I’m saying hello to you here. Comment, ask or what ever if you want..

 

I also got a poem that my dearest Heidi has written about me, we meet in the darkness with candlelight that didn’t work properly. A place where we are “safe”, can take a timeout and breathe. But still we face everything all day long… Her poem is in Norwegian, I cried when I read it, the words are so beautiful, humbling and I do not or have not had anyone telling me this before. Nor have I had a person make something because they met me. She wrote it a couple of years ago, we got in touch again just this year, yes lovely Facebook, finding the ones you want (almost every time). She has so much love to give, as I, we are in the same boat, but not exactly, but we understand each other on a deeper level than anyone around us. There’s no judgment in our conversations or events. We are who we are, why doesn’t the world see the light??

Annicken

Ikke ta fra henne fargene

fra regnbuens skjønneste nyanser

til grått mot svart

Sprakende

Blomsterduft

Østens peon

Virvelvind

Uslepen diamant

Ikke ta fra henne ordene

Smittende kvitring

Hvilken rett har dere å si;

Vær stille- du syke slemme jente

Forstå;

At hennes strøm av visdomsord

Og latter med tårer i

Gir pusterom

I den uutoldelig smerten

Seg selv lar hun vente

-til hun får trøst for sin rotløse

smerte

ønsker en strykende varm hånd

over ferskenkinnet

et blikk som ser den lille jenta

bak den unge skjønne kvinne

den lille jenta som kom

fra et liv i armod

til velstand og varme

hungrer etter kjærlighet

fikk…

men, den fikk dype skår

slik ble sorgen så mye strørre

sjelen så smadret

hjertet så overfyllt at det brast…

Ikke ta fra henne tårene-

la henne skrike – rase uten å si

hun er gal..

tårer forløser…

Ikke ta fra henne lyset

dere kvinner uten lys

Hun er uforskyldt i det;

vil alltid være den vakreste

innenfra, fra et dyp

samme hva

en gave og forbannelse

Ikke ta ra henne vingene

-men lær henne å fly varsommere

forsvinner flagringen

da forsvinner hun

Jeg vet dere er skrekkslagne

rådville

-over det dere ei kan fatte

uforståelig

så;dere binder henne

i en pragmatisk verden

Men ser dere

der er en skjønn gudommelighet

for god for denne verden

som ble en sykdom

Jeg vet;

ser deres kamp mot det gode

-jeg kjente en lik henne engang

kom ei fra østens sol

men fra grønne vakre enger i nord

som bedro-hun kunne ikke puste

det samme lyset

den samme kampen

en engel kom tilslutt og strøk henne

og fargene fikk bli..

Ikke ta fra henne fargene

That was from my Heidi, translate it you whom do not read Norwegian, like I said, she knows me so much more than any other person and we see our souls and the kindness, love and all that we want to give.

Thank you, I love you!

Love,

Any Bryde