Why Do I Always Do And Say The Wrong Things?


Life is what it is, not easy being mentally ill. There are so many people believing I offend them, tell me I am too much or too little. I do not know the in between, I am sorry, I never meant to say a bad word to you. You are my world where I finally feel safe, but suddenly the rug gets pulled away from beneath me and I slip and fall. Is nothing real anymore, is this all dreams and fantasies in my own head? Sometimes I say things I really do not mean in the way that people analyze them. The hardest for me after that is to explain that it was meant as a joke, but people think I am lying and I am not. I would never say anything to hurt people I love!

i wish i knew

I am in love and this man is my blood, he is the best I ever met. But I am so afraid of losing my loved ones. When you have someone you love so much it is like being is purple, but the blackness comes along with everything because in my brain there are different personalities on my inside. Yes, I do need a lot of attention, sometimes probably comes out as needy. But I need to feel safe with my love, heart, family, friends and I am not perfect I know this. I am broken, like all the leaves that falls from the trees in the fall. I have a problem with remembering and get hangups on the negativity that stops by in my life. Sometimes I want to disappear forever, but to flight from my problems will not change anything. So I am staying put trying to be the best I can. It is a struggle, when we do not have full control over thoughts, words or impulses. But my heart will never stop  loving and I know I am a real fighter, because of what I have been through. I thought hard for my life for two weeks while laying in the hospital and fighting off the E-coli and all the other infections in my body. There is no use feeling sorry for me, I have chosen my life, but wish that people could see the real me…

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My soul is filled with love, that I would unflowered myself so you could be wrapped in it. Because There is nothing greater than love, and nothing bigger than a smiling soul. Sadness makes me depressed and so sad, all I want is to sit and cry, but I do not dare to show all of my emotions yet. I hide behind the mask with a smile on my face. So wrong doing this, but I feel like a burden and hate this feeling. The only thing that gets me out from this state is love, closeness and laughter. Feeling alone when I am with people is something real that I feel every single day. I hope you know, or if you feel it the same way I have heard is normal. But then again what is normal? Then my suicide thoughts come as an uninvited guest I want to kick hout and say; go to hell!

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Of course I have better days,  but they also feel like a burden, when I am manic and people tell me they do not like me. It hurts, I am still just a human thus some think I am a robot who might think that I am trying to be the life of the party. Honestly I am really introverted and isolated…

Love

Im not only me in me…


Letting go is not easy, but they tell me to get on with my life I have to. I don’t agree completely in this. It’s hard to let the people I love go. I’m afraid they never want to come back. But I know that thatthe only true love that is in this world. Let people be free. I would never like to be tied down by rules a regulations. But I wouldn’t mind to have someone. And when the time passes I see the people in my life. I’m still the one that over share, even though I know I shouldn’t. Inside myself there are more, different personalities that take over. They don’t have names, but when I think back I have changed my name more times than anyone I know. I’m now under assessment for Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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I always felt I’m not alone in my own body and I know there are characters that come out from time to time. But sometimes they protect me and sometimes they work against me. But the ones that help me to get things done are actually likeable and I need them. But there are others that really messes with my brain and body. The suicide thought and that I am not wanted is always here. Every day is a battle to not, but I know that thats not a solution and I’m trying not to act on it. But I want to disappear, be invisible or be fucking amazing. I had a bad night yesterday, because of some idiotic people, I froze, problems with my sleep and threw up during the night. Spent a couple of hours awake before I took my valium and seroquel. They don’t help that much and I want to quit them, they have given me 15 extra kilo, I HATE it! I feel so ugly and I want to cut myself, this is something I don’t do. I self harm, but have other methods. Pulling out my hair, tear off my toenails, rip off skin and so on… But now my mind is fucked to the end of my limits. Just because my brain repeats itself. Right now I hate myself and want to end it all. I’m tired, nauseous and my stomach is acting becuase of the internal stress from trigger things.

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Who has the power to make this all go away. Yes, I know I’m out traveling, but my break it’s not because of that. It’s almost always people that do this “to” me. Because I feel everything that you feel! My body goes into defense and shuts completely down. I have troubles with speaking, listening, concentrating and seeing. I want to throw the people in the gutter and jump on them! Wish those people just stayed away from everything and got their own little country where they can torment each other. 

soulmate forever

Then there are Roy, my friend in Bangkok who wants a quote, so here: “you now have a quote my good man”. He makes my days easier and keeps me smiling. It’s helpful and good for me with the good energy he has in his aura. So I’m still hanging in Bangkok and loving it.

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Love,

AnyBryde 

“Free”


On the fourth weekend (has it really been that long??) at Lovisenberg I am “finally” spending the weekend at home… Have to pack up all my stuff in boxes before the end of this month is stressful for me! But I have started today, went to the storage store and bought boxes! I am proud of myself! Yay! I also carried them with me, big boxes and little me – exhausted and proud at the same time. Finally being able to do something useful for once. So now I sit here and look at them and wonder when the spirit will get me going…

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My home is no longer my home, but a middle station, like other things in my life. I really do not know how I will get through this, but the power inside has always kept me on a track. Where it leads to now, I surely do not know. But I know that there will be a huge change and shift in me and myself. I was supposed to go to a friends birthday today, but I am exhausted and would not be a good asset to the celebration, so I will be there in the spirit. But then again I will get out of the city tomorrow. Seeing a garden and friends I have not seen in a long time. It is awesome for me when people get me and take me for who I am and take me away. This illness, Bipolar, is nothing to joke about. It controls more of me than I like to admit, but these new medicine, Lithium, gets me going and so do the Quetapine (seroquel). I can see my life slowly being brought back to life, even though there is a long road. 

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So as the night crawls up on me and reality hits me, I see that I am not ready for this yet. I still need time to adapt and settle. I wish I could live somewhere where the flowers and the forest grew wildly. I wish I could make my own little utopia, where everybody understood me and let me be me and fly away. Sometimes I feel so lonely that it hurts, and the sadness takes over like there is only blackness and nothing else left. Why is this? Where do everybody go? Is life just a race, where second place never is good enough, but first place is unreachable?

I have all these thoughts and things twirling around inside me, like a storm that I cannot understand. I need to do things for myself, start living my own life and make choices on my own. This is not pleasant, but so needed for me to get to that place. The peaceful place inside myself, my own little island. With white sand, clear blue water and palm trees. I just wish I could see me inside the mirror once!

Have a great weekend lovely ones!

X

All the people…


There are a lot of “crazy” people, some are goodcrazy, but those who are badcrazy you need to check yourself in the mirror! Do not go around and badmouth good people.

My world keeps biting me in the ass, but at the same time I am one step ahead now. I have started to think a lot about the meaning of awareness after I saw this documentary about it.

It got me thinking, instead of living trough other people I have to live it now in me. I know there are people in my circle that is not good for me and do not give me anything as a friend but headtrouble and hate like copycats.

To all of you out there whom taken time to read my website please treat eachother with respect and love.

Do not be evil to those who live. – AnyBryde (c)

I am not sure why life is the way it is, but the thing I am sure of is that things do happen for a reason and there is a thin red line somewhere, that keeps you moving forward. I have been so lucky to have met a lot new people lately and I love them and my old people. Today my Marita turned 30 years so we are having a girls-night-out with dinner and drinks. Happy BIRTHDAY ❤

Remember one thing; The easiest thing is to always be honest, because the truth will be known! – AnyBryde (c)

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