No Escaping This


Last day in Tønsberg and Christmas is over. I am relieved and looking forward to coming home to my apartment and Oslo. I do not know why I am the way I am, but I am sure there is only a few of you whom really understand me or even dear I say try too. I know it is not easy, but there are certain things you just do not say to someone who struggles with mental illness. Being the only one in my family who really have psychiatric problems, it is always on my mind how different I am. I know I seem normal from the outside, but spend a day in my head and you will see why I am on welfare. It is not easy nor something I am proud of. But I do not have a place in the normal standards. Where there are people telling me, “you should just or why do you not do this?” I do not have an answer, but I can tell you that I am working harder and more than a lot of you. I never get a holiday or days off, this is a 24/7 job that has no loopholes. There is no going around this.

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I feel lost and alone, just longing after someone that understands. It is a lonely life being stuck inside your own brain, where there is no escaping the reality. But I know that love is some kind of a medicine, but it can also be a problem. I have enough things to struggle with daily, so if you add to this by not being understanding, it makes everything seem hopeless. And that is how I see my life at the moment. I do not know where I went to the left instead of right, but somewhere down this road, I turned and now I cannot find my way back. What happen to the trust and honesty? It feels like I am a guest in my own life, that it is another me who walks around every day. Looking outside now, it is actually snowing, and again I feel misplaced. This world is not for me, I am guessing there has to be another reason why I am here. There has to be more than just this. All this waiting, all the time. I know that I am patient, but hey there is a limit for how much I can handle and soon my limits are way over reached and too far gone.

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I write to get rid of the pain, as for sharing my life with you, and might help or give you whom struggle with the same issues either having someone in your life with the same problems or having the diagnoses yourself. I want people to open up and see how much work it is all the time. We have medicine reminding us every day, not feeling that we are good enough for anything, having the need to self-harm, suicidal thoughts and the voices. Yes, we take things way too personal, but it is how we are put together. So please let us be and maybe someday we will bloom and grow. But until then I still think that I am unworthy and not good enough for this life. It is a lonely feeling that you who does not struggle with mental illness will never understand. Sitting in a room and cutting myself, seeing the blood is my only cure for now. But I know it is not healthy or a solution for my problem.

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I just need you to be here, talk about stuff and not leaving me alone with everything inside, because there is no escaping this.

Love,

Any Bryde

Sometimes It Is Not A Joke


My life is a joke, there is no use being alive, why should I, just give me one good reason. But How would I do it, the easiest way out is the pills. A death that’s not painful, but just falling asleep like any other night.My life is divided into two parts, the one where I am happy and the other one where I fuck everything up. It is always me, and I do everything wrong, so I do not know how to be anymore. I need help, self-harming is not enough for me anymore. I need something stronger, real, more frightening. Something that scares the shit out of me. Am I really worthy this life, am I worthy alive or is it better for me to be dead. My darkness is more and heavier this time. I try to turn it around to a more positive, but it is hard.

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But on the other hand, the light that keeps me alive, is everything and more powerful than me. But do he really understands how strong my love is for him. I do not know what to do anymore. Why am I not enough? Why is my life worth so little in comparison to other people. My life feels like a joke and I am the joker, so life is all a joke. But I try harder, work at it harder than ever before, just that I end up self-harmimg myself every time. But still it want get better so what is the use of being alive, when there is nothing to live for anymore. Why keep breathing, with a voice that is not heard. All the wrongs I do and everything I get blamed for. Is it all a joke, or is it really me? Every time I am sitting with the question; Is it fair?

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So I am cutting myself, I know is it stupid, that I am an idiot. I do not relly think that I should be here anymore. The more I think about it, the more sure I get: I am sick, tired and exhausted, how can I bare this burden? My life is just a joke, I am a burden to those whom I love and I do them wrong all the time. So it is true, I do not deserve to be happy, because every time I fuck it up. ending with hating myself even more than I already do. And this is not to get empathy or you to feel sorry for me. I am over that, I see blood and that is my satisfaction, the one thing that calms my nerves. But I still think, maybe it is some kind of a twisted joke, where I am the joker and really are not alive. I wish for the darkness, it is scaring me. How much I long for not being here in this world, where all I do is wrong no matter what or how hard I try.I keep distance, I leave you, I am going against my own beliefs. How is it that I am the only one that has to compromize? Am I really that bad, am I so much of a burden to handle? Or is it really anyone who can handle me?

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I feel so lonely it aches all over, I just want to keep on cutting and bleed to death! The ultimate peace and relief from my mind and myself. It is unbearable being me sometimes, and I do so many wrong things. even tho I try to correct all the errors, it is ending up with bigger black holes. The truth be told, is not a good idea to be honest. It is better to shut the hell up and do not fall in that gap. I wish I died instead of lived! How can someone love me, I feel that everything I do I  FUCK UP?

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Love,

Any Bryde

50 Shades Of Me


I do not know how it all will end, nor do the answers fit my questions. I just know that I still see you in the corner of my eyes all the time. Mostly I just want to run away, sell, pack it all and leave for greater and good living out a dream. But my insecurities makes everything a little difficult at the moment. I have taken distance, it does not really work for me, since my brain works against me. Somewhere I read that the generation that grows up today is losing their faith in love, and I can understand that. With deceiving, unfaithful, untrustworthy people who seem to fail us again and again, why should we? Maybe I am on my way to the dark place, but I have been thinking about if and who would miss me…? Tomorrow I am going to a funeral, my sisters man father died suddenly. Sad, but luckily without any pain, we can relate, losing our dad to cancer six years ago.

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I do not think the dead stay “dead” they are very much alive in my dreams and daily life. I talk to them, eat, touch, hug and smell them around me. People can call me weird and strange, I know now that I am way pass that anyway, so go ahead be judgmental if you want to. There are people in this small world that made their personal opinions against me and blocked me from a group “Bipolare Mennesker” it’s a Norwegian Facebook group, the lady Sylvi, did not like my personal opinions and was after me from day one. There are others in the same group writing the same as me, they did not get blocked or kicked out. So much for being Bipolar and knowing what it’s all about and being an administrative for a group. Straight to suicidal hell she sent me, I was almost so pissed that I wanted to cut, take a picture and post it on her wall! But breathe in and out, so I choose to be the bigger person. But I will stand my ground because I am not afraid of a discussion.

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On the other hand I am getting a blog post on another community on Facebook, Faces of Mental Illness, I don’t know exactly when it will be posted but soon-ish. It’s a big step for little me, being the loner here in Norway, never seemingly finding a place to call home. I pretend to be fine a lot, How can I tell you that I do not believe that anyone ever loved me and that everything is staged? I will break their hearts, just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I never asked for this, but at times it seems like a lot of you don’t recognize this. I actually sat myself down and watched 50 Shades Of Grey today, because of me falling asleep when I turned it on yesterday. It reminded me of a man, one I miss and wish were here or rather me there actually. I don’t know anything anymore, I feel numb, I want to sleep forever and at the same time I just want to conquer the world. Let everybody know that different, weird, strange and unfamiliar are ok. We will live to see another day, we have powers, we can do things! No one says it has to be done today… Except for the evil voices inside my head that are trying to put me down. They are the same who tells me negative things about me all the time, tells me what you all think about me and say about me… The wonderful world and life of Mental Illness!

Love is

Love,

Any Bryde