I have not written so much lately, I really do not know why… But I think it has something to do with my medicine. I do not feel like myself, losing interest in the things I love to do and the feeling of change. It is like someone has taken over the control. It is true that I use a lot of energy on the Korean school, and studying hard to learn the language. Still, I have a lot to learn, but I can actually read Hangeul now, not that I always understand what I am reading.. hahaha.. So I started Korean School this fall and its level 1. every Saturday I wake up around 7am and get ready for school. I have wanted to learn Korean my whole life and finally I am doing it. My class is the sweetest, our teacher is amazing and it is a whole lot of fun. It is like learning to speak for the first time, remembering the sounds to the signs and pronouncing them right. Surrounding myself with tv shows, movies, and Korean music is a way to learning the language faster. And now it is getting easier to understand the words, but still, I have a lot to learn.
I wish that my creative side would come back again because this feels like a “prison” that I cannot endure. And I know I have to take the pills, but honestly, I do not want to take them anymore. Losing yourself is not desirable… So how do I fix this?
I wish I knew, but I do not have any solution or ideas! It is just making me angry and exhausted. Why will not life go back to the way it used to be? I get that we have to change, but why do we loose the good in yourself…? What am I suppose to do? Should I start over, find something new or should I just keep trying? I know that I cannot find the answer in others, I know I have to search within myself. But why can it not be easier, like learning to crawl? I also know that this could be a start of the depression period, and just by the thought of it makes me numb. So I am trying hard, not giving up, even tho I just want to crawl under the covers and hide till it is all over. Why is it so much work being ill? Why will not life be easier for us? I am just saying, there are no demands… Only the wish of not losing myself like the candle in the wind.
Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.
Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this safe and sound.
The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.
The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.
Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.
But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.
I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.
I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.
But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.
Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.
So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.
I would think in a country like Norway they would take us more serious. We are like 5 million people living here and I have to say that of course there are health personnel, psychologists, doctors and hospitals that are amazing. But then you have the places that really do not care about us, patients, that are not taken seriously. We feel rejected, and the fear and anxiety every time someone rejects us gets tougher to get through. And remember, YOU are really helping to destroy a human being shouting out for help. For instance; Incognito Klinikken, where I am being “sent”… So there are two weeks waiting for my appointment. I called the yesterday, explained my situation and told them I need a place ASAP! And I cannot wait two weeks, it could be I do not survive this waiting period. So what did the lady on the other end say; “we cannot help you.” So naturally I hang up and I do NOT want to go here anymore. You do not help us, you send us right into a suicidal spiral!
Working with humans with chronic illnesses you would think they would have another understanding or at least view into a person destroyed reality?! I can tell you all if I am not strong enough to survive this period it is all the Incognito Klinikken responsibility!
I can promise you I am going through one of my deepest, darkest, worst and unbearable depression in my life. I broke down two days ago and been crying ever since. And calling for help, telling them and begging them to take me in did not work, so FUCK YOU! I do not think you really want to help us, you think we are a burden to stuff away in a dark corner and telling us we have an addiction problem! But I will give you a news flash; I suffer and live with a combination of mental illnesses, and you as health personnel should know how dangerous this is! I do not want to “give” my life and security to you because you made me feel unworthy on the phone when I, myself called and asked for help now! I hang up and no one called me back yet! It has been a day, what if… I can honestly tell you that I want to go around feeling like the hell, unworthy, darkness I do now than ever letting you treat me or put medicine in me! I have seen the bad side of psychiatry in Norway, but also the positive one! And the places we get the help we need, the understanding and support are amazing. Thus, you know, you so called “professionals”, it is a short way from life to death!
if you could see the realness of these illnesses, me losing almost 8 kg in a MONTH! Crying in front of people and to my psychologists is something I have never done before! And one other thing, I am not one that silent patient that you probably hoped for! I tell my story to the whole world and I never let stuff out! Taking care of people is your job; WHAT FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?!