There’s a time in your life where you discover the realness in the people you mix in your circle. Life is not always a shining star. But believing that the stars go away forever occur not for everybody. You will have the ones that have already made up their minds about how and what you are. As for myself, I have noticed that the ones that tell you that honesty is the most important thing in their world are the ones that will stab you in the back when the wheels are turned. And then the scariest thing is that they do not admit or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. I do not feel sorry for these people, nor do I have empathy for these souls. Like they say, you grow as you go and life will always represent you with lemons. The lemonade will sometimes turn out so sour that it is hard not to choke on them.
There are two ways of living life, you can do it honestly and open and then there are the liars they think they are safe and sound. But in reality, they are the struggles, the ones who has huge issues with themselves and everything they see in the mirror. Yes, I am the one with eating disorders sitting alone here at Hells Kitchen with my pizza and my beer. But I am really doing everything to turn my life around. There is no joke in this, hiding begin the curtains or trying to be someone I am not. I do live with my heart on my sleeve and it is for the whole wide world to see! But it I do not think you can see the truth behind your own kind! Honestly, I think you or some of you really needs a crash course to see reality and the real world.
You close your eyes to the real things and think no one can break your perfect little bubble. But let me enlighten you about a few things; We live in “open” world, no matter all the lies you post on social media and brag about your achievements. There will come the day where you all will be recognized, lies and all! It is the reality of life, I am an independent, I do not care anymore. I am really satisfied. With seeing the truth I see your eyes, the words that you spit from your narrow sited fucked up mouth! It is not about how much money you have, what you find in your closet or how you dress. It is all about your vibration and energy. How you leave your print if you are good or a bad seed…
Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.
Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this safe and sound.
The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.
The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.
Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.
But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.
I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.
I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.
But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.
Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.
So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.
I would think in a country like Norway they would take us more serious. We are like 5 million people living here and I have to say that of course there are health personnel, psychologists, doctors and hospitals that are amazing. But then you have the places that really do not care about us, patients, that are not taken seriously. We feel rejected, and the fear and anxiety every time someone rejects us gets tougher to get through. And remember, YOU are really helping to destroy a human being shouting out for help. For instance; Incognito Klinikken, where I am being “sent”… So there are two weeks waiting for my appointment. I called the yesterday, explained my situation and told them I need a place ASAP! And I cannot wait two weeks, it could be I do not survive this waiting period. So what did the lady on the other end say; “we cannot help you.” So naturally I hang up and I do NOT want to go here anymore. You do not help us, you send us right into a suicidal spiral!
Working with humans with chronic illnesses you would think they would have another understanding or at least view into a person destroyed reality?! I can tell you all if I am not strong enough to survive this period it is all the Incognito Klinikken responsibility!
I can promise you I am going through one of my deepest, darkest, worst and unbearable depression in my life. I broke down two days ago and been crying ever since. And calling for help, telling them and begging them to take me in did not work, so FUCK YOU! I do not think you really want to help us, you think we are a burden to stuff away in a dark corner and telling us we have an addiction problem! But I will give you a news flash; I suffer and live with a combination of mental illnesses, and you as health personnel should know how dangerous this is! I do not want to “give” my life and security to you because you made me feel unworthy on the phone when I, myself called and asked for help now! I hang up and no one called me back yet! It has been a day, what if… I can honestly tell you that I want to go around feeling like the hell, unworthy, darkness I do now than ever letting you treat me or put medicine in me! I have seen the bad side of psychiatry in Norway, but also the positive one! And the places we get the help we need, the understanding and support are amazing. Thus, you know, you so called “professionals”, it is a short way from life to death!
if you could see the realness of these illnesses, me losing almost 8 kg in a MONTH! Crying in front of people and to my psychologists is something I have never done before! And one other thing, I am not one that silent patient that you probably hoped for! I tell my story to the whole world and I never let stuff out! Taking care of people is your job; WHAT FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?!