So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

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In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

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No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde

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When My Head Spins


Being alone is not something I like at all, I have done too many things alone in my life. I want one to do everything with someone, that will take me where ever and want to show me off and be proud to be with me. I probably overreact, but it is inside my brain, I cannot change that. I try, but it is so hard to fight this fight alone. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel like a burden to all of the people I know and it is a bad feeling. Tho I feel more and more like myself now than before, because of my new medicine I cannot control my thoughts. The spinning wheel that never ends.

It is true, I fall too hard, crush easy, love too much and forgive too easy. But why? Why do I keep saying sorry when I really do not need to? It is an enigma I cannot solve by myself. I need help, I need someone who can answer my questions, hold my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when I am sad and feel lonely. Feeling lonely when I am with others is the worst feeling. I feel guilty and want to fall down a black hole.I know so well that I am sick, but reminding me is not the right way to handle the situation. It makes me worse, feeling small and insignificant. So I come here and vent, writing out my inside for you all to see. An open heart and soul that is vulnerable and sore.

But then again, when I love, I love with all my heart and soul. And there is nothing I would not do for the right one. But I have to admit that it bother me. I am just a human, believing I have super powers is a fault in my system. But I struggle with low self-esteem and an image of myself that is opposite of reality. But bad habits is hard to get rid off, it does not happen overnight. Like Rome was not built in a day or the earth for giving you a clearer picture.

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I’m starting to see how it is in this world, with people and their lack of education in different areas. It is horrifying to see how we treat each other just because of differences in a person. Is it so that you have the right to tell someone they can’t have the life they wanted or at least should give it a try to get it. I spend a lot of my time thinking how I can help people like myself and others who might not dare to say how things really are. We aren’t all perfectioned animated robots, with airbrushed skin and a perfect smile. We are the shadows in the darkness, where people rarely want to admit that they’re wrong. Is it not to pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But to give all of us who’s in the shadows a new shine.

I’m sad, and I don’t know how this will play itself out because I’m tired of fighting this fight. The lack of understanding and opening your minds to a “new world”.

If you really knew how it feels to be alone with hatred words repeating themselves in my head, I hear them in the hall, walls, buses, stores, the streets and everywhere I go. I am one of the “lucky ones” who knows that I have chronic diseases, but that doesn’t make my illnesses disappear. I just wish you didn’t believe all the bullshit. It’s not “cool” to have a mental disease, it doesn’t make people stupid, dangerous or ok to call them crazy. I would bet that the half of you who’s “joking” with being bipolar, doesn’t have a clue about how this illness really affects you. You don’t suddenly see yourself bleeding, while its been hours of self-harming just because it’s too hard for us to let us feel something at times, and we might don’t even want to hurt ourselves, maybe we just want help but have a really big problem putting it down in words. And as I cannot say it certain for others I can say that I don’t even “see” the damage I’m doing to myself. And it hurts when I look in another persons’ eyes and I see that they want to help me, but neither they or I know what I need in that moment. And I think I can say that all we want is love, understanding, and a hand that doesn’t let go.

As I write this I’m starting to cry, not because of myself, but the loneliness these illnesses carry with them. The stigma, taboo and people saying; “It’s all in your head, you just need to…..!” And here’s where I struggle the most, because last year when I was In a coma, it’s suddenly more “accepted”, because you just lay there and don’t know if you’ll see tomorrow. But with mental Illness the whole world forgets it’s something we all need to address, as of yesterday! Anyone can get depressed for a period of their lives, but it’s not close to having to deal with this our whole lives.

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I don’t want to startle, but I’m in a place where the loneliness is getting too overwhelming and I hate myself for not being like everybody else… And still I never want to be inside the box, I just wish for understanding and acknowledge that we’re worth as much as everybody else… And I bet if every one of you looked at your friends, at least one of them are struggling with mental issues but they hide it because of the shitstorm you get… So I decided I won’t shut up, I will fight for people that are different because I truly think that then something special will happen in this world.

Love,

Any Bryde

It Is Not Me


Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.

Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this  safe and sound.

The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.

The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.

Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.

But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.

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Love,

Any Bryde

Will You Ever Understand


I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.

I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.

But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.

Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.

So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.

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Love,

Any Bryde