Inside 2017October


“these days i wish for something
like respect love honesty my own family
there has been so much hardships
where i have been left lonely” 12.10.2017
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“two years ago i was put in a coma
where my soul ended up in a realm of drugs and humantrafficking
they emptied our bodies for organs in the mountains of calcutta
and then sent us back to the western world filled with drugs in our blood” 13.10.2017
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“this was the last day of my coma 2years ago
i was awaken by my late dad who passed from cancer 8years ago
so this year i am in my origin
but i still do not know where i was born
so last night i danced the night away” 14.10.2017
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i was “dead but woke up because my dad who passed from cancer 8years ago told me too ; “you have to wake up my girl, this is not a place for you” ~ was his words 💝🙇🏻‍♀️♾ so i woke up on my late dads birthday, 15.10.2015 💔 14.10.2017
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for my dad ; captain th bryde ;
“today my dad would have turned 71
you are born 1946.15.10. and died from cancer 2008.01.10
on this date exactly 2years ago
you woke me up from the coma i was put in ; “jenta mi! du må våkne opp. du har sovi for lenge. dette er ikke et sted for deg. for du skal ikke død nå. så du må kjempe deg tilbake til den levende verden. så følger vi deg og vil alltid passe på deg alle sammen. for vi er de som elsker deg!”
my answer was something like this ; “det går bra pappan min jeg slapper av her. jeg veit ikke hvor jeg er. hvor er jeg, er jeg ikke våken? jeg kan ikke dra fra deg nu når jeg har funnet deg her. jeg savner deg og er helt aleine. pappa jeg elsker deg!”
are some of our words from our conversation in a place where i was without air
so now i am alone in seoul again but with you all around me everywhere” 💝🌌🙇🏻‍♀️ 2017.15.10

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“the goal for life
is a society of peace
of course we will have problems
but we can still live together in harmony” 2017.16.10
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“there are ppl in this world who spend their time hacking and stalking
stealing pictures apps smartphones and digital lives from us humans
you even take our names rape us try to kill us and then brag about it or report a false statement to try to be somebody
so i will stand up and speak the truth and show the world because you are doing this to us who have been around the globe” 2017.17.10
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“sometimes i hold my breath to see if i am still breathing
but then i feel fat as i have the worst eatingdisorders
but leaving the abuser and the shitty country called norway
has helped my soul back home to korea” 2017.18.10
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“surprisingly or not this place also contains fake ppl
sometimes it takes time but in the end they cannot hide it
a commonthing between them is all they care about is money
pretending to be more than us other humans who live honestly
mostly they live of their parents and think they know languages
but intelligent is not measured in how many years you went to privateschools” 2017.19.10

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“these days i realize more and more
separating my mind body soul and heart
nevertheless i see the truth in your eyes
feeling your ignorant spoiled soul
truly hating you for taking my words
and thinking there are rules on how to live love eat and write
wondering how you make your money
seeing a schemer and your black soul” 2017.20.10

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“for a while i thought i could survive alone
realizing now i need someone
being deceived abused and let down
will grow our soul into a dragonite
where i now use my steps
i see different faces hear stories and see seoul in humans eyes
thus i hope to trust the ones i choose
i still expect to somewhat be abused” 2017.21.10

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“awakened again by ppl begging and some of your conversations are just about negativity
it can also be your thoughts but then i feel sorry for you
that your brain contains nothing but stupidity lies repeatedly gossipness
my fault is that i believed some of you where humans
thus everybody has their right to their own opionions” 2017.22.10

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“the sadness to see and know humans heart
can somewhat be more but will it rip us appart
the only i know how to handle pain
is to hurt and selfharm my own self
how i execute pain on myself is a secret i will keep until my breath is taken away
the only thing i will say is that you will never see an outside scar done by myself
if there is a visible scar it is done by someone else” 2017.23.10

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“all these dreaming gets me confused
which of you are the reality or a future view
is it so when i wake up
i say smile to myself and change the outlook for another view
where is the energy that is suppose to include” 2017.24.10

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“last night i ran to sleep
so this morning my brain was filled
i was afraid my 동생 was angry
so i went into her house to be a loving 언니” 2017.25.10

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“now my body and mind is exhausted
from all the negative culprits around me
i wish for a better tomorrow
with light shining down on me” 2017.26.10

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“tired because i woke up in the middle of the night and started working
so my soul is a little empty from lies and culprits
looking for your soul in all the realms i can reach
thus knowing i always have you next to me” 2017.27.10

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“after i went to the war museum alone
i now understand that some people are fake too
so i went and asked my 오빠 where i could eat lamb
so this halloween i only honour the dead souls” 2017.27.10

“i know you see a smile but it is just a millisecond
thinking of something that let me be happy
my choice is to delete rude childish behavioural people
leaving our life more delightful than ever”
“reasonable late awaken this morning
smiling to the world and keep going forward
it is a 안녕하세요 괜찮아
so let us be one and never depart” 2017.28.10

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“my dead souls awakes me by their voices
me i am deep inside vivid dreams
where i walk and fly around from places to places
as i meet people humans and those i love
it is all picture clear with sound and colors
but the exactly locations i harder to pin” 2017.29.10

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“wakening up something rumbling
my 변비 and the 약 i have taken for a couple of days is giving me a little discomforting
but finally it is on the move
after a couple of weeks with nothing” 2017.30.10

much love

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In My Biporderlinedissiociativeating Life By Me


I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!

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Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?

In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…

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I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.

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So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.

But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;

In My Biporderlinedissiocitiveating

And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare  and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!

Love,

Any Bryde

When My Head Spins


Being alone is not something I like at all, I have done too many things alone in my life. I want one to do everything with someone, that will take me where ever and want to show me off and be proud to be with me. I probably overreact, but it is inside my brain, I cannot change that. I try, but it is so hard to fight this fight alone. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel like a burden to all of the people I know and it is a bad feeling. Tho I feel more and more like myself now than before, because of my new medicine I cannot control my thoughts. The spinning wheel that never ends.

It is true, I fall too hard, crush easy, love too much and forgive too easy. But why? Why do I keep saying sorry when I really do not need to? It is an enigma I cannot solve by myself. I need help, I need someone who can answer my questions, hold my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when I am sad and feel lonely. Feeling lonely when I am with others is the worst feeling. I feel guilty and want to fall down a black hole.I know so well that I am sick, but reminding me is not the right way to handle the situation. It makes me worse, feeling small and insignificant. So I come here and vent, writing out my inside for you all to see. An open heart and soul that is vulnerable and sore.

But then again, when I love, I love with all my heart and soul. And there is nothing I would not do for the right one. But I have to admit that it bother me. I am just a human, believing I have super powers is a fault in my system. But I struggle with low self-esteem and an image of myself that is opposite of reality. But bad habits is hard to get rid off, it does not happen overnight. Like Rome was not built in a day or the earth for giving you a clearer picture.

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I’m starting to see how it is in this world, with people and their lack of education in different areas. It is horrifying to see how we treat each other just because of differences in a person. Is it so that you have the right to tell someone they can’t have the life they wanted or at least should give it a try to get it. I spend a lot of my time thinking how I can help people like myself and others who might not dare to say how things really are. We aren’t all perfectioned animated robots, with airbrushed skin and a perfect smile. We are the shadows in the darkness, where people rarely want to admit that they’re wrong. Is it not to pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But to give all of us who’s in the shadows a new shine.

I’m sad, and I don’t know how this will play itself out because I’m tired of fighting this fight. The lack of understanding and opening your minds to a “new world”.

If you really knew how it feels to be alone with hatred words repeating themselves in my head, I hear them in the hall, walls, buses, stores, the streets and everywhere I go. I am one of the “lucky ones” who knows that I have chronic diseases, but that doesn’t make my illnesses disappear. I just wish you didn’t believe all the bullshit. It’s not “cool” to have a mental disease, it doesn’t make people stupid, dangerous or ok to call them crazy. I would bet that the half of you who’s “joking” with being bipolar, doesn’t have a clue about how this illness really affects you. You don’t suddenly see yourself bleeding, while its been hours of self-harming just because it’s too hard for us to let us feel something at times, and we might don’t even want to hurt ourselves, maybe we just want help but have a really big problem putting it down in words. And as I cannot say it certain for others I can say that I don’t even “see” the damage I’m doing to myself. And it hurts when I look in another persons’ eyes and I see that they want to help me, but neither they or I know what I need in that moment. And I think I can say that all we want is love, understanding, and a hand that doesn’t let go.

As I write this I’m starting to cry, not because of myself, but the loneliness these illnesses carry with them. The stigma, taboo and people saying; “It’s all in your head, you just need to…..!” And here’s where I struggle the most, because last year when I was In a coma, it’s suddenly more “accepted”, because you just lay there and don’t know if you’ll see tomorrow. But with mental Illness the whole world forgets it’s something we all need to address, as of yesterday! Anyone can get depressed for a period of their lives, but it’s not close to having to deal with this our whole lives.

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I don’t want to startle, but I’m in a place where the loneliness is getting too overwhelming and I hate myself for not being like everybody else… And still I never want to be inside the box, I just wish for understanding and acknowledge that we’re worth as much as everybody else… And I bet if every one of you looked at your friends, at least one of them are struggling with mental issues but they hide it because of the shitstorm you get… So I decided I won’t shut up, I will fight for people that are different because I truly think that then something special will happen in this world.

Love,

Any Bryde