With A Tongue Unknown


i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.

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because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.

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so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.

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i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.

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much love

 

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Inside 2017October


“these days i wish for something
like respect love honesty my own family
there has been so much hardships
where i have been left lonely” 12.10.2017
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“two years ago i was put in a coma
where my soul ended up in a realm of drugs and humantrafficking
they emptied our bodies for organs in the mountains of calcutta
and then sent us back to the western world filled with drugs in our blood” 13.10.2017
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“this was the last day of my coma 2years ago
i was awaken by my late dad who passed from cancer 8years ago
so this year i am in my origin
but i still do not know where i was born
so last night i danced the night away” 14.10.2017
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i was “dead but woke up because my dad who passed from cancer 8years ago told me too ; “you have to wake up my girl, this is not a place for you” ~ was his words 💝🙇🏻‍♀️♾ so i woke up on my late dads birthday, 15.10.2015 💔 14.10.2017
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for my dad ; captain th bryde ;
“today my dad would have turned 71
you are born 1946.15.10. and died from cancer 2008.01.10
on this date exactly 2years ago
you woke me up from the coma i was put in ; “jenta mi! du må våkne opp. du har sovi for lenge. dette er ikke et sted for deg. for du skal ikke død nå. så du må kjempe deg tilbake til den levende verden. så følger vi deg og vil alltid passe på deg alle sammen. for vi er de som elsker deg!”
my answer was something like this ; “det går bra pappan min jeg slapper av her. jeg veit ikke hvor jeg er. hvor er jeg, er jeg ikke våken? jeg kan ikke dra fra deg nu når jeg har funnet deg her. jeg savner deg og er helt aleine. pappa jeg elsker deg!”
are some of our words from our conversation in a place where i was without air
so now i am alone in seoul again but with you all around me everywhere” 💝🌌🙇🏻‍♀️ 2017.15.10

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“the goal for life
is a society of peace
of course we will have problems
but we can still live together in harmony” 2017.16.10
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“there are ppl in this world who spend their time hacking and stalking
stealing pictures apps smartphones and digital lives from us humans
you even take our names rape us try to kill us and then brag about it or report a false statement to try to be somebody
so i will stand up and speak the truth and show the world because you are doing this to us who have been around the globe” 2017.17.10
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“sometimes i hold my breath to see if i am still breathing
but then i feel fat as i have the worst eatingdisorders
but leaving the abuser and the shitty country called norway
has helped my soul back home to korea” 2017.18.10
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“surprisingly or not this place also contains fake ppl
sometimes it takes time but in the end they cannot hide it
a commonthing between them is all they care about is money
pretending to be more than us other humans who live honestly
mostly they live of their parents and think they know languages
but intelligent is not measured in how many years you went to privateschools” 2017.19.10

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“these days i realize more and more
separating my mind body soul and heart
nevertheless i see the truth in your eyes
feeling your ignorant spoiled soul
truly hating you for taking my words
and thinking there are rules on how to live love eat and write
wondering how you make your money
seeing a schemer and your black soul” 2017.20.10

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“for a while i thought i could survive alone
realizing now i need someone
being deceived abused and let down
will grow our soul into a dragonite
where i now use my steps
i see different faces hear stories and see seoul in humans eyes
thus i hope to trust the ones i choose
i still expect to somewhat be abused” 2017.21.10

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“awakened again by ppl begging and some of your conversations are just about negativity
it can also be your thoughts but then i feel sorry for you
that your brain contains nothing but stupidity lies repeatedly gossipness
my fault is that i believed some of you where humans
thus everybody has their right to their own opionions” 2017.22.10

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“the sadness to see and know humans heart
can somewhat be more but will it rip us appart
the only i know how to handle pain
is to hurt and selfharm my own self
how i execute pain on myself is a secret i will keep until my breath is taken away
the only thing i will say is that you will never see an outside scar done by myself
if there is a visible scar it is done by someone else” 2017.23.10

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“all these dreaming gets me confused
which of you are the reality or a future view
is it so when i wake up
i say smile to myself and change the outlook for another view
where is the energy that is suppose to include” 2017.24.10

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“last night i ran to sleep
so this morning my brain was filled
i was afraid my 동생 was angry
so i went into her house to be a loving 언니” 2017.25.10

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“now my body and mind is exhausted
from all the negative culprits around me
i wish for a better tomorrow
with light shining down on me” 2017.26.10

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“tired because i woke up in the middle of the night and started working
so my soul is a little empty from lies and culprits
looking for your soul in all the realms i can reach
thus knowing i always have you next to me” 2017.27.10

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“after i went to the war museum alone
i now understand that some people are fake too
so i went and asked my 오빠 where i could eat lamb
so this halloween i only honour the dead souls” 2017.27.10

“i know you see a smile but it is just a millisecond
thinking of something that let me be happy
my choice is to delete rude childish behavioural people
leaving our life more delightful than ever”
“reasonable late awaken this morning
smiling to the world and keep going forward
it is a 안녕하세요 괜찮아
so let us be one and never depart” 2017.28.10

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“my dead souls awakes me by their voices
me i am deep inside vivid dreams
where i walk and fly around from places to places
as i meet people humans and those i love
it is all picture clear with sound and colors
but the exactly locations i harder to pin” 2017.29.10

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“wakening up something rumbling
my 변비 and the 약 i have taken for a couple of days is giving me a little discomforting
but finally it is on the move
after a couple of weeks with nothing” 2017.30.10

much love

See Me Shine


There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore,  for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!

I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them.  I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!IMG_1464.JPG

And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.

I just wish you all could see me shine…!

Love,

Any Bryde

So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

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In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

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No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde