See Me Shine


There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore,  for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!

I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them.  I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!IMG_1464.JPG

And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.

I just wish you all could see me shine…!

Love,

Any Bryde

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So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

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In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

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No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde

Let It Blow


I have not written so much lately, I really do not know why… But I think it has something to do with my medicine. I do not feel like myself, losing interest in the things I love to do and the feeling of change. It is like someone has taken over the control. It is true that I use a lot of energy on the Korean school, and studying hard to learn the language. Still, I have a lot to learn, but I can actually read Hangeul now, not that I always understand what I am reading.. hahaha.. So I started Korean School this fall and its level 1. every Saturday I wake up around 7am and get ready for school. I have wanted to learn Korean my whole life and finally I am doing it. My class is the sweetest, our teacher is amazing and it is a whole lot of fun. It is like learning to speak for the first time, remembering the sounds to the signs and pronouncing them right. Surrounding myself with tv shows, movies, and Korean music is a way to learning the language faster. And now it is getting easier to understand the words, but still, I have a lot to learn.

I wish that my creative side would come back again because this feels like a “prison” that I cannot endure. And I know I have to take the pills, but honestly, I do not want to take them anymore. Losing yourself is not desirable… So how do I fix this?

I wish I knew, but I do not have any solution or ideas! It is just making me angry and exhausted. Why will not life go back to the way it used to be? I get that we have to change, but why do we loose the good in yourself…? What am I suppose to do? Should I start over, find something new or should I just keep trying? I know that I cannot find the answer in others, I know I have to search within myself. But why can it not be easier, like learning to crawl? I also know that this could be a start of the depression period, and just by the thought of it makes me numb. So I am trying hard, not giving up, even tho I just want to crawl under the covers and hide till it is all over. Why is it so much work being ill? Why will not life be easier for us? I am just saying, there are no demands… Only the wish of  not losing myself like the candle in the wind.

Love,

Any Bryde

It Is Not Me


Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.

Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this  safe and sound.

The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.

The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.

Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.

But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.

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Love,

Any Bryde