We walk around on this earth like we own this place. But in reality we borrow “time”, destroy the planet, each other, some chose hate instead of love and only think of themselves. How did it come to this, how did humans come to believe that we rule?When truth is that we couldn’t exist without animals!
I have to say I feel sorry for humanity and the future! Hopefully my blood will try to make this world a better place for everybody, both animals and humans. Yes it’s true we are different, some are vegans, vegetarians, eat meat and so on. The thing is that there’s no right answer for this, because of the difference in humans, rich verses poor, healthy verses sick. When I’m alone I always cry, because the thought of life makes me sad. In this world there are so many rich people, but what good does that do when humans spend their money on things? You should try to give back to society, help the ones in need, stand up for the weak and make your time here worth your while! It’s not important to have a big house, all the materials things or a lot of money if you don’t live with your heart!
I know all this, as I always wanted everything, but as I grew older I see what really is important! Live with your heart on your sleeves, let people know when you’re not OK, don’t fake your life, don’t chase things and let money lead your way! Live with a wealthy heart, healthy soul and always chose happiness! Because when you don’t have anything left, love and heart is everything. Coming home to someone who cares, ask you how your day was, feed you, hug you, love you and never judge you! It’s not where you live that counts, it’s how you live your life. If someone smiles to you when you’re out walking, smile back – because we are all the same, no matter where we’re from!
This world makes me so sad, because there are still people who believe that they are worth more than others just because they’ve grew up with parents who put bad thoughts in their head!
As a child from an orphanage, I have so much to be thankful for! I’m thankful for my korean family, that gave me the chance to a new life, my norwegian family for giving me love and good values, a country with a great health system and the love from people whom I love! There are no words how I can describe to you how my heart really feels, all I can say is that I am blessed who experience love on a daily base!
Of course I would give my all to meet my korean family, but I also know how heartbreaking it can be for my biological parents to admit that they had to give me up. So if you see this or if i get to meet you before I leave this world; I am humbled, thankful and blessed in life! I have a heart of gold and a motherland that accepts me for me!
It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I haven’t found anywhere to go just yet. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I can learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly call my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. We system and education is not the heavy burden.”
I run home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there was a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops hearing. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did the small role-play the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening there was like one month wait! And this I had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good hangeul. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sender snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changes the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went all together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote on the big yellow sheet paper with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and one more thing. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the seaweed with the purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and play some pool and drank a little more.
There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore, for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!
I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them. I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!
And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.
I just wish you all could see me shine…!
I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!
Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?
In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…
I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.
So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.
But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;
And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!
Thank you all for the support! And follow it all on my social media accounts!
The thing I like the least about other people is that they tend to always have negative questions when I present something that is “new” or unknown to them. This is the main reason why I never tell anyone about my dreams, visions, what I really do and think. I tell them the truth, but I might be holding back on my own persona. And I don’t think anyone really knows me at all! I have had a few people in my life that I’ve opened up too… But I really don’t think that anyone can tell me or others how I am really am as a person. I do so many things that I never tell people about. So this gets me thinking, I can surprise everybody in my life or on this planet.
Like I spend so much time alone where I do all these things and dream about how I want to live my life. Apply for jobs no one else would do and always get kinda criticized for my open spirit. But the thing about being adopted I know I have opportunities and what kind of chances we got in this world. You can actually be what you want if you follow your dreams all the way! But then again if you follow me on social media and read my written stuff, you can make a profile of who I really am. Shortly said, I’m a creative soul and live with my heart on my sleeve and just trying to be me. Thus I is not only me, because inside I have so many different personalities that take over, it just depends on what I need to do.I know a few of you will think, “She’s not really sick is she, it doesn’t look like at and how does she get all this done??” How can she get over 500 words done in like 30 minutes? In reality, I’m probably a multi-talent (yes, I can see my manic side speaking here!!), and can do everything I set my mind to! It’s scary because when I’m depressed I feel so unworthy, unuseful, unliked, hated, unwanted and completely alone. I spend hours tormenting myself with sharp objects, hours making scars on my face and just lying in bed without showering for days! This is the realness of my illnesses. They are so visible if you follow me closely, but if you only talk to me once in a while you probably won’t notice it at all if you’re not a professional.
I have never asked for help for the stuff I do and love, because I content with timing and just being myself, so if the world will see into real life mental illnesses life – come follow me on my journey called life! And after years of living “hell”, I will say that all my hard work fans out in my roots. They are the ones who recognize my talent and give me opportunities I could only dream of. I’m starting to really believe in myself, even on my bad days, because I am really unique. After my principal at my Korean school told me how proud she is of me several times, I’m seeing that I’m actually good at what I do as long as I stay true to myself and my soul! And I’m starting to, slowly, loving myself again. Even though I spend hours in front of the mirror seeing a fat person. My eating disorders aren’t what they were. I can feel my brain fucking with my eyes and shows me this person I don’t even recognize and she’s so FAT! But I’m also fighting this disease. Being honest about it to my friends and family, doctor and psychologist. But I’m so afraid and frightened about someone taking this control from me…
When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.
In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.
No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.
But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?
Being alone is not something I like at all, I have done too many things alone in my life. I want one to do everything with someone, that will take me where ever and want to show me off and be proud to be with me. I probably overreact, but it is inside my brain, I cannot change that. I try, but it is so hard to fight this fight alone. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel like a burden to all of the people I know and it is a bad feeling. Tho I feel more and more like myself now than before, because of my new medicine I cannot control my thoughts. The spinning wheel that never ends.
It is true, I fall too hard, crush easy, love too much and forgive too easy. But why? Why do I keep saying sorry when I really do not need to? It is an enigma I cannot solve by myself. I need help, I need someone who can answer my questions, hold my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when I am sad and feel lonely. Feeling lonely when I am with others is the worst feeling. I feel guilty and want to fall down a black hole.I know so well that I am sick, but reminding me is not the right way to handle the situation. It makes me worse, feeling small and insignificant. So I come here and vent, writing out my inside for you all to see. An open heart and soul that is vulnerable and sore.
But then again, when I love, I love with all my heart and soul. And there is nothing I would not do for the right one. But I have to admit that it bother me. I am just a human, believing I have super powers is a fault in my system. But I struggle with low self-esteem and an image of myself that is opposite of reality. But bad habits is hard to get rid off, it does not happen overnight. Like Rome was not built in a day or the earth for giving you a clearer picture.
I’m starting to see how it is in this world, with people and their lack of education in different areas. It is horrifying to see how we treat each other just because of differences in a person. Is it so that you have the right to tell someone they can’t have the life they wanted or at least should give it a try to get it. I spend a lot of my time thinking how I can help people like myself and others who might not dare to say how things really are. We aren’t all perfectioned animated robots, with airbrushed skin and a perfect smile. We are the shadows in the darkness, where people rarely want to admit that they’re wrong. Is it not to pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But to give all of us who’s in the shadows a new shine.
I’m sad, and I don’t know how this will play itself out because I’m tired of fighting this fight. The lack of understanding and opening your minds to a “new world”.
If you really knew how it feels to be alone with hatred words repeating themselves in my head, I hear them in the hall, walls, buses, stores, the streets and everywhere I go. I am one of the “lucky ones” who knows that I have chronic diseases, but that doesn’t make my illnesses disappear. I just wish you didn’t believe all the bullshit. It’s not “cool” to have a mental disease, it doesn’t make people stupid, dangerous or ok to call them crazy. I would bet that the half of you who’s “joking” with being bipolar, doesn’t have a clue about how this illness really affects you. You don’t suddenly see yourself bleeding, while its been hours of self-harming just because it’s too hard for us to let us feel something at times, and we might don’t even want to hurt ourselves, maybe we just want help but have a really big problem putting it down in words. And as I cannot say it certain for others I can say that I don’t even “see” the damage I’m doing to myself. And it hurts when I look in another persons’ eyes and I see that they want to help me, but neither they or I know what I need in that moment. And I think I can say that all we want is love, understanding, and a hand that doesn’t let go.
As I write this I’m starting to cry, not because of myself, but the loneliness these illnesses carry with them. The stigma, taboo and people saying; “It’s all in your head, you just need to…..!” And here’s where I struggle the most, because last year when I was In a coma, it’s suddenly more “accepted”, because you just lay there and don’t know if you’ll see tomorrow. But with mental Illness the whole world forgets it’s something we all need to address, as of yesterday! Anyone can get depressed for a period of their lives, but it’s not close to having to deal with this our whole lives.
I don’t want to startle, but I’m in a place where the loneliness is getting too overwhelming and I hate myself for not being like everybody else… And still I never want to be inside the box, I just wish for understanding and acknowledge that we’re worth as much as everybody else… And I bet if every one of you looked at your friends, at least one of them are struggling with mental issues but they hide it because of the shitstorm you get… So I decided I won’t shut up, I will fight for people that are different because I truly think that then something special will happen in this world.
I’m going back to the place I’m born.
Learning the language is the first steppingstone.
I open the books, the words unknown.
But I keep studying hard and going on.
I’m looking for you because my family is unknown.
I want to share how my life went on.
Now I’m ready and you should know.
I grew up in a home with love.
The life I could have and now I’m going home.
To the last place, I was before I was sent to the unknown.
I’m thankful for my life and my dearest parents I want you to know.
I will always love you with my heart and soul, waiting for you to call me home.
나의 심장, 나의 영혼으로
나는 내가 태어난 곳으로 돌아간다.
한국어 배움은 그 길로 가는 첫 번째 디딤돌이다.
책을 열지만, 알 수 없는 언어로 가득 차 있다.
나는 열심히 배울 것이고, 멈추지 않을 것이다.
나는 당신을, 알려지지 않은 나의 가족을 찾는다.
나의 지나간 삶에 대해 당신과 공유하길 원한다.
지금 나는 준비가 되어 있고, 당신이 알기를 원한다.
내가 사랑이 가득한 가정에서 자랐다는 것을…
나는 지금 과거의 삶과 집으로 돌아간다.
내가 미지의 세계로 보내지기 전에 있었던 곳으로…
감사로 가득한 나의 삶과 사랑하는 나의 부모님을 당신에게 보여주고 싶다.
나는 당신을 뜨거운 심장과 영혼을 다하여 사랑할 것이고, 여기서 당신의 전화를 기다릴 것이다.