Past Our Due Date


We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.

Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.

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I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.

Much love

 

What Is Freedom


this summer i ended up in a new box again. homeless is probably the best way to describe it. i do not know how i feel am i sad or sorry. but somehow i am also happy inside me. the burden of a home where people break in and torture me to an almost death is over thank god. so now i am kind of an incognito and new with a vision and a mindset that are truly set free. for those who have blamed me and yelled at me for years i hope you are ashamed and that you will be saddened for ever. i know it might be harsh but my exterior has changed and i have this wish of never being born.

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i do not know what i have done wrong nor will i ever know why you are so fucked up. this place where i have lived for so many years are now a place i hate and feel misplaced. the longing for happiness humans animals and life is stronger now that the world shows itself. i know my dreams are big but why not am i always thinking. these streets i have walked are not meant for the living. this is a city where everybody comes to die and certain you will all vanish someday. i see shadows of people from a terrorattack as well for the ones who believe they are something.

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is it wrong to be honest and write about life when we all experience loss grief sorrows and death. is this not a place to be us as humans should be. are we not the same under our skin. where would we be if it were not for our ancestors. would we be where we are if it were not for slavery. who are we not to be thankful for life when all some of you do is party and fuck around. i am ashamed for the ones who i have had in my life but now i know that as a victim i have let myself been abused to many times. so i put my foot down and said stop ones again and turned myself around to see the world with new eyes. i wish some of you souls still would be alive next to me but i am humble amd thankful for you being around me. so now i am going to an old new place called seoul hoping for answer and maybe meeting loved ones. i do not know if i am the last in my bloodline but in my papers it says i am the orphan. in hanyang district i have some roots and i hope there are some humans who will see me through. in a heart and a soul i never begged for anything but this time i want someone to just listen to me.

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being completely alone and lonely is somewhat natural but also and enlightening. i can distance myself to ignorance and stupidity and see some of you for what and who you really are and supposed to be. this life now for over 36 somewhat years is also something to be thankful for. but in reality i think of the darkness and where my path has been i have grown so much. my burden in life is being alive but now it is time to live for ones.

much love

I Feel


We walk around on this earth like we own this place. But in reality we borrow “time, destroy the planet, each other, some chose hate instead of love and only think of themselves. How did it come to this, how did humans come to believe that we rule alone? When the truth is that we could not exist without animals!

I have to say I feel sorry for humanity and the future of you lost souls! Hopefully my blood will try to make this world a better place for everybody, both animals and humans. Yes it is true we are different, some are vegans, vegetarians, eat meat and so on. The thing is that there is no right answer for this, because of the difference in humans, rich verses poor, healthy verses sick. When I am alone I always cry, because the thought of life makes me sad. In this world there are so many rich people, but what good does that do when humans spend their money on things and cruelty to destroy others? You should try to give back to society, help the ones in need, stand up for the weak and make your time here worth your while! It is not important to have a big house, all the materials things or a lot of money if you do not live with your heart and soul!

I know all this, as I always wanted everything, but as I grew older I see what really is important! Live with your heart on your sleeves, let people know when you are not OK, do not fake your life, do not chase things and do not let money lead your way! Live with a wealthy heart, healthy soul and always choose happiness! Because when you do not have anything left, love and heart is everything. Coming home to someone who cares, ask you how your day was, feed you, hug you, love you and never judge you! It is not where you live that counts, it is how you live your life. If someone smiles to you when you are out walking, smile back – because we are all the same, no matter where we are from!

This world makes me so sad, because there are still people who believe that they are worth more than others just because they have grown up with people who put bad thoughts in their head!

As a child from an orphanage, an orphan, I have so much to be thankful for! I am thankful for my korean family, that gave me the chance to a new life filled with love, my norwegian family for giving me good values, a country with a health system and the love from people whom I truly love! There are no words that I can use to describe to you how my heart really feels, all I can say is that I am blessed to be experiencing love on a daily base from myself again now!

Of course I would give my all to meet my korean family, but I also know how heartbreaking it can be for my biological parents to admit that they had to give me up. So if you see this or if i get to meet you before I leave this world; I am humbled, thankful  and blessed in life! I have a heart of gold and a motherland that accepts me for me!

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Love,

김유화