We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.
Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.
I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.
this summer i ended up in a new box again. homeless is probably the best way to describe it. i do not know how i feel am i sad or sorry. but somehow i am also happy inside me. the burden of a home where people break in and torture me to an almost death is over thank god. so now i am kind of an incognito and new with a vision and a mindset that are truly set free. for those who have blamed me and yelled at me for years i hope you are ashamed and that you will be saddened for ever. i know it might be harsh but my exterior has changed and i have this wish of never being born.
i do not know what i have done wrong nor will i ever know why you are so fucked up. this place where i have lived for so many years are now a place i hate and feel misplaced. the longing for happiness humans animals and life is stronger now that the world shows itself. i know my dreams are big but why not am i always thinking. these streets i have walked are not meant for the living. this is a city where everybody comes to die and certain you will all vanish someday. i see shadows of people from a terrorattack as well for the ones who believe they are something.
is it wrong to be honest and write about life when we all experience loss grief sorrows and death. is this not a place to be us as humans should be. are we not the same under our skin. where would we be if it were not for our ancestors. would we be where we are if it were not for slavery. who are we not to be thankful for life when all some of you do is party and fuck around. i am ashamed for the ones who i have had in my life but now i know that as a victim i have let myself been abused to many times. so i put my foot down and said stop ones again and turned myself around to see the world with new eyes. i wish some of you souls still would be alive next to me but i am humble amd thankful for you being around me. so now i am going to an old new place called seoul hoping for answer and maybe meeting loved ones. i do not know if i am the last in my bloodline but in my papers it says i am the orphan. in hanyang district i have some roots and i hope there are some humans who will see me through. in a heart and a soul i never begged for anything but this time i want someone to just listen to me.
being completely alone and lonely is somewhat natural but also and enlightening. i can distance myself to ignorance and stupidity and see some of you for what and who you really are and supposed to be. this life now for over 36 somewhat years is also something to be thankful for. but in reality i think of the darkness and where my path has been i have grown so much. my burden in life is being alive but now it is time to live for ones.
Purple Lotus Movement
this is so we can build up our lives again ~ us who has been sent away from korea but wish to live and be back home again. this is a project to help raise money so we can find housing work and get help to build up our community and lives again. ofcourse this is only for us who lives here and work together for our community where we want to live and work for a united society of adoptees in seoul. i wish to find a building where we all can live and then help other adoptees to start their lives here again. so if there are humans who want to contribute or help please contact me by email.
it is very sad for me to write this but this country has made so much money of us who are adopted. because still there are koreans that live here as orphans in facilities that also i wish to help. there are so many talented and well educated humans among us adoptees and most of us suffer because of the feeling of being rejected ; abandoned ; racism ; abuse ; mental health issues ; illnesses. so coming back home and have a place where we can help ourselves and others so we can live here and learn the korean language and work is something that is very much needed.
as for example there are organizations who help with school intuition ; language classes ; f4visa : guesthouses. but there should be a place where we could have a community and thrive because we are all humans and have huge resources and can contribute in our own way to our homecountry.
김유화~Aitreuya YooHwai LilandBryde Kim