Blaming me for what?


There’s these people walking around pretending to be more genuine than everybody else. They smile, give you compliments and behave, dare I say – “normal”. Suddenly they turn a corner and out comes another person. Screaming, shouting and blaming the other person for every single thing.

The past is something we all share, well not exactly the same. Some things we do share is that we have all made mistakes, made the wrong choice and befriended the wrong people. It’s not easy being alive and living today. We can’t actually trust everybody, even though we should be able to trust humanity. Am I the magnet for sociopaths?

Being naive shouldn’t be a bad thing, and it’s healthy not to assume the worst of people isn’t it? Then again it’s probably normal to have some skepticism and questions when meeting new people. Should it be necessary to have them take a personality test before you interact with someone new? I don’t know about you, or your experiences with the “blamers”. On my end there’s been so many, and they’re always the ones contacting me first. Trying to manipulate me into believing I did them wrong. Hell to the no!

The satisfaction of destroying another person because you believe in lies and spread rumors that are untrue is sad. There’s no respect, empathy or insight going on whatsoever.

Then again, when you catch this behavior early on, it’s smart to have everything in writing. These people record your conversations, phonecalls and go into a delusional state when youre not answering. In the past I felt sorry for them, but now it has awakened something in me – warrior mode.

Don’t think we’re easy prey just because we’re silent. We’re gathering information to take you down legally. Don’t believe that you have won, just because you think you’re right. We won’t let you get away like you did in the past. Because now it is time for retaliation. Just when you thought nothing would happen, boom!

Hope life is well and you all stay safe!

Much love 김유화

Past Our Due Date


We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.

Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.

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I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.

Much love

 

To Be A Gentle Soul


Suddenly the snow is gone and we can finally see the grass again. The temperature is on the plus side and the sun is smiling down on us once more again. Spring has set her foot here in Norway. This country is not where i want to be, but for now it is home and soon a smaller version of me will appear. A baby spending all her time in a small sack inside my belly is growing strong. Her little kicks, pushes and hiccups takes most of my time now and for the rest of my life will be number one.

I am hoping you will be a precious one, filled with love and a heart of gold. Not afraid of what the world has to show you, but intelligent enough to know that your soul belongs to the universe and that we are our own. I hope you will have open eyes and ears, so no one can do harm to your soul. But wise enough to be a gentle soul and see through all the bullshit and lies when it is shown. Smiling, laughing, crying, feeling every single drop of our blood. You will be a strong one, with a voice of your own. As you will light up the summer with your eyes, I know your soul will be warm. Finding your way through this life might not be easy, but i promise you you will never be alone.

As for the wind there will be storms, but I will always support your goals. So when the time comes and you will be born you will be known. As the one I have always waited for, my first born, a child unknown. Together we are our own little tree, but in our past there are many more. Here we also have branches that reaches out to us, but with another root in the soil. So when you are sad look in my eyes and I will comfort your soul.

엄마

 

Trying To Be Happy


As for being pregnant and alone going on week 19 my my body is slowly growing bigger and changing even more. The weight gain is honestly the worst thing in the whole universe, but still, I know it is necessary for my little one. But I cannot help but think; why should I gain weight while making another human? What is the reason for me to get bigger except for my belly and baby weight? Searching around online leaving me with the same thoughts, “you do not need to eat for two, all that is needed is to eat when you are hungry…” Having in mind that cravings and just wanting food is not hunger. So I keep to about two to three meals a day and maybe some snacks and of course drinking fluids. As I document everything I eat I have to admit I do not eat it all. But I eat until I feel full and know when I am not being active there is no need for more than two meals a day.

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Thinking about the time that will come after my baby is born. Not wanting to be the fat mom or in any way fat at all. Trying to be healthy and not letting my eating disorders control my life is not easy nor is it possible or curable. I think to myself that pretending and telling myself I am in control makes it a little better. But I still know I will never really recover from this, ever! It is the same with my bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, it is something we all just have to learn to live with and accept. So when I quit all the medicine and painkillers in 2016/2017 that I feel they forced me to use. I finally now start feeling as myself again. In control, living with chronic pain that is more durable than being addicted to chemicals that in reality are drugs! Still, I know how much the opioid painkillers helped me, but when the choice is being an addict or being myself it is very easy. For you whom go on the “opioid-train and end up with a needle in your veins, I feel sorry for you. But sadly you also deserve the addict life if you do not quit! Because there are so many of you that use it because you have so-called “issues in your lives, and that is mainly just a fucked-up excuse to not do anything about it than party and end up being a sad excuse for society!

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Seeing everything clearer and being able to be sad, angry, happy, worried, depressed, trying to love and trust again is more than welcome in my life and future. Because living in a sedated fog of surrounding yourself with people you never ever would let into your life and home, is like making a deal with the most devilish people who walk around and pretend they are something. They end up breaking in, stealing from you and basically hack and lie their way around you and your life so you, in the end, look like a bad person. Where the positive outcome in my life is that almost all of you whom I should never have been kind to seem to be violent criminals, have substance abuse problems and in the end, did something illegal and or violent against me personally so I ended up being physical and emotional hurt. That is or was the only thing that seemed to wake me up. Knowing how it is sad that some people do not understand “no or a “get-the-hell-out, is one of the ways to see the difference between the liars and abusers from the humans that actually means no harm.

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But in my future now, it is only my child, me and the ones who are worthy of my attention and love that will exist. Keeping my circle small and changing is what is necessary for the future to come. Even tho I wish I could have changed some of my past and the people I have met, it is easier to just delete and report you and go on with the miracle that is growing inside me, making the choice to try to be happy.

Much Love