We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.
Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.
I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.
for a second i thought my life was filled with something else. then discovering i am filled with a baby. blessed to give life to something completely innocent beautiful and precious that no one has ever met before. now learning from my experience that trusting my own body and listening to my souls is sometimes the only thing that seems right in this world. but as far as i know you only know about me and my insides. learning that there are early signs and that i have felt you growing inside me for a while now ; my obgyn says it has been 10weeks. i have felt the warmth ~ your heartbeats ~ movement ~ peace. i have cried ~ thrown up ~ smelled everyhting ~ breasts aching. so when i first saw your pictures i said out loud ; BABY ! and now you are everything in my life forever. i will promise you everything i can give you ; with an open heart ~ an honest soul. i am hoping for us to be everything you wish for. i will fight for and hope that you never feel unwanted. if someone does anything bad to you all you have to do is tell me. because for the rest of our lives and in eternity i will be your 엄마 my 아이 to be. remember always that love comes from our insides and sharing our lives is worth more than fame money and stardom. from now you are my all ; the one i will place first. and if you in the future will get a 동생 you will share this sunlight forever. so my 도담 사랑해요 항상 i love you forever. and when you learn to read you will read my written stories ♡
of course in my life love comes with heartbreaks. but i am trying not to fall because of my stomach is growing. for as now i know my life will change. but i also know we have time to find our own ways. but i have to go to a place i really do not want to live. but since this is for you 도담 i will do what is the best for you in this moment. never do i hope you will blame me for this. but i know you will question why maybe. but as soon as you are here on the outside of me i will explain and give you my all for eternity.
i am not rich but i have what we need and if you lack something i am saving for your future.
there has been almost two weeks here in seoul already. and i have never felt more home in a place than now. as i walk around thinking looking listening and feeling a spirit that is closer to mt heart than ever. i have met so many warmhearted humans and tied connections that do feel realer than before. i still lose myself to a place where i am too whimsical and sad inbetween my smiles. as i have walked so many miles i have seen a lot of different styles. but one thing is for sure in this city and that is that love concours all.
this night as i went out to take pictures my money fell out of my purse. i backtracked but could not find my roll so i had to message my mom again. i feel bad because i only bring sad news and never a smile to someones face. i lost everything even tho i have things but here i feel that i have a place. i bow to the elders and see how the times has changed. but recognize places i have been sometimes before. i do not know when exactly to be honest and it could be a vivid dream i have dreamed before. as i see all of you on the streets laughing i wonder how is it possible. for thus holiday my soul has broken because of my dead souls. i cry and cry and wonder why my tears fall bu sadly i know i get to easily upset. as i take all these pictures i am thinking about my loved ones and wonder do you see the real me at all.
sometimes i put my headphones on and walk with my music to do not think at all. but then again i miss your voices so i think maybe we should collab and stall. in this place where the sun shines and the moon rise above us we listen to the voices that surrounds us all. and these days i think about the man i lost over 13years ago. he died and we were suppose to get married but maybe the fate is to sometimes lose one love. so we can know how to love another and not to accept abuse at all. thus i know i have been abused bullied hitten and raped. even that there has been murder and broken ribs inside. i wish for someone to think and believe my words and voice as i have done for you all. i do not know what my future will look like but there is one thing i do know for sure. and that is that you people have to do something to help us humans or you will die ones more.
look around you and see how the world is changing and open your minds to a society for us all. here in my motherland there are so many different humans that i can feel and see the exchange of loved souls. but i have to admit that i struggle within because the lack of living is somewhat real and open for us all. letting people getting away with murder and abuse should not be something we should see anymore. i have this summer lost unborn humans and now i will not take this anymore………
september is finally here and i do feel more calm than the previous months. this year has been hell for as well as the past. but why complain when i can tell you all in words about how it is to live and be abused in what these people call the “best country in the world.
i am bought to norway without my concent and would change this life for everything else. but now that i am over 35 years i am blessed to be breathing and seeing the sun. i will not say it has all been bad but mainly i have been abused. by almost everybody in my life but i have deleted them now or as they say “blocked you in facebook. after years with emotional abuse from some of the people. i have cut them out like garbage and cigarettes. to me they have never meant nothing at all because all they do is lie cheat use violence and drink. the words that they use are mainly negative and they spread rumors and lies about almost everybody. i have never wished for them so the loss is not big. but of course i am broken because i have been there for them. but my pride is stronger than these fake people style so it so easy to just say goodbye.
i have been blamed by the girl and she has said to my mom “it is her fault i have no friends had to go to a psycholog and all that. mom you have to pay! the boy is a racist and violent or they both actually are. but some years ago he was kinder than now. these people seem ignonrant and unintelligent to me because all they do is copy cut and paste. thus i really do not know because all their socialmedia is secret. so their life is probably fake with the lies inbetween. as expected of course some people believe in lies and i do not have any energy to tell them otherwise.
this situation and abuse i have been through is hard because again i have been exposed to violence and harm. i wish for a capitol punhisment for these crimes and for the criminals to pay their way in life. in this country the rapers run freely in the streets. where they have goals to fuck at least a new girl every day. i do not know how a person can go through with this. but when i look back at the raper i only see stupidity in his eyes. thinking you are something when you are so ugly and violent is somewhat a laughing stock for the real market! and these people of course are in a group but not a popular one just a messenger thing. i think they have a deal where they drug girls and take them home because everything i have been through since i met them is in shadows. of course the other one broke my ribs and made some friends delete the police report from the prison they work in. i know cause they called me on a number unknown from a prison in oslo norway and i have met them once. i do not remember the names but i know the culprit and his fucked up family so to tell you all karma will hit you!
for the last one he is an fake and someone i dated he has used and abused me as well. the last he did after he got me pregnant was strungle me 3 times in a row. i lost my breath and almost died my neck and throat got crushed and the voice dissapeard. and i lost the unborn beacuse of all of this violence so now i am done with you sociopathic unempathic dumb people. this country is filled with so much criminality and fake news that even the politician parties are in on it! as for the terrorattack here in oslo they all might have a connection because these actions against me remind me of death and blackness. the others that think they have gotten a pass should look back and know that you are breaking all the laws. getting friends to come up to me is not smart when you have restrittiva and not doing your job policeofficer it is bad i have to say. but i know you know so i will see what happens next.