there is a few things i wish to say to clear my mind as well for my heart. in 2004 my love died from me just 2days before his 25birthday. we had our lives and shared our words but not enough time here on earth. as i have kept his letters but lost his belongings i got to keep. i feel sad because i had things he made himself. after he passed i honestly promised myself that i would not fall in love with another in norway. so i have pretended to care and loved some just because being alone was lonely. i also accepted too much from others but never judged someone because of their looks or workplace. i thought silently to myself that i did not deserve to live but kept on going because in the end i wish for my own family.
after meeting good souls and the worst kind of ppl that exists i also believed i did not deserve happiness. so a small part in me feels like i let myself be abused but my soul knows that this is far from the truth. so i decided to try to make the ones i met either their best or just to bring out the worst kind of behaviour that exist. so i said things to see what you would do and if you have a black soul it will come out eventually. because sadly the people in norway are mostly violent prune to make excuses because they say i wanted it. as the years went on i met humans and souls that i still have love for. thus you are very few and rare but far away now i keep you in my heart even that we are not talking. i also pretended to like a lot of people but in the end knowing now it only brought sadness and the wrong kind of situations. but as the time went on i started my own company so i could use my life to something meaningful instead.
these years has gone by in a flash it seems but somehow also it has been a slow road for me. with years in a place i really did not wish to live just because i had to get inspiration from the streets. there is not much positiveness to say about my years in oslo. but i had some fun and memorable moments to write and think about. as for the people i have had in my life i honestly can say there is not many of you that i kept as family. through the years i gave too many chances and stayed quiet when i should have spoken. listening to some of you telling me how to be me and also the negative backstabbing people. so i slowly deleted you from my life and choose a new path to indulge in life. hoping that making ‘new friends would be better but then again now somehow it also failed slowly. so after years of abuse by different ppl i finally bought my ticket back home to korea. for as for the years i spent in norway i never dated a korean because i wanted to meet a real one.
like time the years also flew by and i did not think of my age at all. so now most of the humans and soul has coupled up and gotten their own offsprings with another woman. as for myself i was pregnant but the one who got me pregnant strangled me 3times and almost killed me. but the aftermath of that was also bleeding so i lost my unborn before i got to see them. this is a pain and a sorrow but still then i now know that i am able to get pregnant. so i see the light in the darkness and try to stay focused in life. having to admit that i would rather actually also have died myself so he again would feel blame for someone elses death. because these people do not seem to care about the unborn being killed while they are still growing into babies inside another human. because it could easily have ended up with me dying there too.
maybe this looks like me not knowing what real love is but trust me i know it. i have loved and still saranghae someone but for now i am mostly quiet and feeling languagely dumb. because here i can read and write but do not know how to express myself and talk in korean. ending up yelling at myself quietly thus now in norwegian and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. because truly i hate this language now and have less and less respect for those fucked up people. i never understood why some of you appreciate liars and makebelieve lives. i also know some of you think i talk and write to you but ones again it is because you think i do. thus now you got one line from me you who i truly hate.
having to admit i now only try to care and put myself before all of you. also not an easy thing to do but rather to fail caring for someone i truly love than for selfish childish unintelligent ignorant people. maybe it is twofaced but what does that really matters when almost all of you lie and pretend to be someone else. just remember that life is meant for love and happiness and in the end it is better to be one big happy family.
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