As for being pregnant and alone going on week 19 my my body is slowly growing bigger and changing even more. The weight gain is honestly the worst thing in the whole universe, but still, I know it is necessary for my little one. But I cannot help but think; why should I gain weight while making another human? What is the reason for me to get bigger except for my belly and baby weight? Searching around online leaving me with the same thoughts, “you do not need to eat for two, all that is needed is to eat when you are hungry…” Having in mind that cravings and just wanting food is not hunger. So I keep to about two to three meals a day and maybe some snacks and of course drinking fluids. As I document everything I eat I have to admit I do not eat it all. But I eat until I feel full and know when I am not being active there is no need for more than two meals a day.
Thinking about the time that will come after my baby is born. Not wanting to be the fat mom or in any way fat at all. Trying to be healthy and not letting my eating disorders control my life is not easy nor is it possible or curable. I think to myself that pretending and telling myself I am in control makes it a little better. But I still know I will never really recover from this, ever! It is the same with my bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, it is something we all just have to learn to live with and accept. So when I quit all the medicine and painkillers in 2016/2017 that I feel they forced me to use. I finally now start feeling as myself again. In control, living with chronic pain that is more durable than being addicted to chemicals that in reality are drugs! Still, I know how much the opioid painkillers helped me, but when the choice is being an addict or being myself it is very easy. For you whom go on the “opioid-train and end up with a needle in your veins, I feel sorry for you. But sadly you also deserve the addict life if you do not quit! Because there are so many of you that use it because you have so-called “issues in your lives, and that is mainly just a fucked-up excuse to not do anything about it than party and end up being a sad excuse for society!
Seeing everything clearer and being able to be sad, angry, happy, worried, depressed, trying to love and trust again is more than welcome in my life and future. Because living in a sedated fog of surrounding yourself with people you never ever would let into your life and home, is like making a deal with the most devilish people who walk around and pretend they are something. They end up breaking in, stealing from you and basically hack and lie their way around you and your life so you, in the end, look like a bad person. Where the positive outcome in my life is that almost all of you whom I should never have been kind to seem to be violent criminals, have substance abuse problems and in the end, did something illegal and or violent against me personally so I ended up being physical and emotional hurt. That is or was the only thing that seemed to wake me up. Knowing how it is sad that some people do not understand “no or a “get-the-hell-out, is one of the ways to see the difference between the liars and abusers from the humans that actually means no harm.
But in my future now, it is only my child, me and the ones who are worthy of my attention and love that will exist. Keeping my circle small and changing is what is necessary for the future to come. Even tho I wish I could have changed some of my past and the people I have met, it is easier to just delete and report you and go on with the miracle that is growing inside me, making the choice to try to be happy.