Wake Up Call


there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.

in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.

in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.

i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.

 

 

Beat’n Jeg Savner


Finne ny musikk er som medisin for sjelen, smøret på brødskiva, bensinen i bilen og vannet i kroppen. Det meste kan kureres med  musikk, rytmer gjør meg glad og noen ganger trist. Det er en av triksene jeg bruker for å ikke føle meg helt alene i verden. Jgg skrur opp lyden, synger og glemmer alt noen minutter eller timer. Savnet jeg føler når jeg hører musikk som minner meg om bestemte personer, blir jeg ofte lei meg og glad om hverandre. Det er også litt underlig å se meg selv skrive på norsk, siden jeg er vandt med engelsk. Blir vel en del av meg etterhvert dette også. 

Jeg skulle ønske det var flere spontane mennesker her i verden, bare gutse litt, tøye en grense og se hva som er på den andre siden. Mitt liv er fylt med opplevelser og jeg håper det vil fortsette slik. Jeg er på veien for å falle, men hvordan det vil gå vil tiden vise. Jeg er tryggere med denne personen enn noen andre, jeg føler at han vil mitt beste og at vi skal dele historier sammen, lage et drømmeliv. Vil dette virkelig skje og er dette ekte, jeg har aldri hatt denne følelsen før. Jeg elsker like mye som jeg hater, jeg ser i svart og hvitt, har en mørk side, mange personligheter, flere humørskiftninger enn de fleste, men jeg mangler det synlige såret, skaden som alle kan se. En mental sykdom er ikke synlig for de fleste. Ensomheten er så virkelig for meg at jeg skulle gitt hva som helst for å ikke ha det slik, men medisiner virker ikke på alt. Jeg tar Orfiril, Seroquel, Tolvon, Valium og Mogadon. Fire ganger hver dag svelger jeg piller, en rutine i hverdagen og de hjelper vel noe. Utenom deppresjonene, de kommer og varer. Så når “endelig” en manisk periode kommer, ja jeg sier endelig fordi det gir meg et løft, blir jeg fryktelig impulsiv og ekstrovert.

Jeg savner deg, du som forstår, får meg til å le, smile, vil meg det beste, holder rundt meg når jeg trenger det og ikke minst er her for meg samme hva. Det å føle seg uønsket er ikke en hyggelig tanke å gå rundt med hele tiden. Alt dere forteller meg som skjer, alt jeg prosesserer, alle mine egne tanker, det jeg sier og deres svar. Så kommer stemmenes svar, jeg har ikke kontroll på dem og de er mange. Men det å stenge meg inne i min egen leilighet fungerer helt till panikk anfallet kommer. Så jeg har lært meg å leve med dem. Hvor lenge eller hvorfor de er her, vet jeg ikke. Selvfølgelig lurer jeg, det er ikke et sekund uten at jeg hører negative ord, bemerkninger og ser hallusinasjoner. Hvorfor det er noen mennesker som trugger denne siden mer enn andre forstår jeg ikke enda. Som jeg har sagt før, jeg føler jeg ikke hører hjemme i denne verdenen, jeg føler meg fremmed og så ulik allle andre. Jeg vil ha en å sitte stille sammen med, en som masserer føttene mine utenatt jeg spør… 

Og jeg vet du finnes, for de beste dagene i livet har enda ikke vært og med all min ulykke bør the rainy days være over snart..

Love,

AnyBryde