In My Biporderlinedissiociativeating Life By Me


I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!

img_1415

Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?

In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…

img_1424

I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.

IMG_1176.JPG

So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.

But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;

In My Biporderlinedissiocitiveating

And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare  and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!

Love,

Any Bryde

So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

a-best-friend

In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

women.jpg

No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde

My heart and soul


I’m going back to the place I’m born.

Learning the language is the first steppingstone.

I open the books, the words unknown.

But I keep studying hard and going on.

I’m looking for you because my family is unknown.

I want to share how my life went on.

Now I’m ready and you should know.

I grew up in a home with love.

The life I could have and now I’m going home.

To the last place, I was before I was sent to the unknown.

I’m thankful for my life and my dearest parents I want you to know.

I will always love you with my heart and soul, waiting for you to call me home.

나의 심장, 나의 영혼으로

나는 내가 태어난 곳으로 돌아간다.

한국어 배움은 그 길로 가는 첫 번째 디딤돌이다.

책을 열지만, 알 수 없는 언어로 가득 차 있다.

나는 열심히 배울 것이고, 멈추지 않을 것이다.

나는 당신을, 알려지지 않은 나의 가족을 찾는다.

나의 지나간 삶에 대해 당신과 공유하길 원한다.

지금 나는 준비가 되어 있고, 당신이 알기를 원한다.

내가 사랑이 가득한 가정에서 자랐다는 것을

나는 지금 과거의 삶과 집으로 돌아간다.

내가 미지의 세계로 보내지기 전에 있었던 곳으로

감사로 가득한 나의 삶과 사랑하는 나의 부모님을 당신에게 보여주고 싶다.

나는 당신을 뜨거운 심장과 영혼을 다하여 사랑할 것이고, 여기서 당신의 전화를 기다릴 것이다.

Let It Blow


I have not written so much lately, I really do not know why… But I think it has something to do with my medicine. I do not feel like myself, losing interest in the things I love to do and the feeling of change. It is like someone has taken over the control. It is true that I use a lot of energy on the Korean school, and studying hard to learn the language. Still, I have a lot to learn, but I can actually read Hangeul now, not that I always understand what I am reading.. hahaha.. So I started Korean School this fall and its level 1. every Saturday I wake up around 7am and get ready for school. I have wanted to learn Korean my whole life and finally I am doing it. My class is the sweetest, our teacher is amazing and it is a whole lot of fun. It is like learning to speak for the first time, remembering the sounds to the signs and pronouncing them right. Surrounding myself with tv shows, movies, and Korean music is a way to learning the language faster. And now it is getting easier to understand the words, but still, I have a lot to learn.

I wish that my creative side would come back again because this feels like a “prison” that I cannot endure. And I know I have to take the pills, but honestly, I do not want to take them anymore. Losing yourself is not desirable… So how do I fix this?

I wish I knew, but I do not have any solution or ideas! It is just making me angry and exhausted. Why will not life go back to the way it used to be? I get that we have to change, but why do we loose the good in yourself…? What am I suppose to do? Should I start over, find something new or should I just keep trying? I know that I cannot find the answer in others, I know I have to search within myself. But why can it not be easier, like learning to crawl? I also know that this could be a start of the depression period, and just by the thought of it makes me numb. So I am trying hard, not giving up, even tho I just want to crawl under the covers and hide till it is all over. Why is it so much work being ill? Why will not life be easier for us? I am just saying, there are no demands… Only the wish of  not losing myself like the candle in the wind.

Love,

Any Bryde