there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.
in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.
in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.
i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.
i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.
because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.
so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.
i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.
in march this year a boy who forced himself into my life and house who i regretfully let stay because i thought i could help. again this boy turned out to be a liar that jumped me in my own house and broke ribs on the right side of my chest. the police came i do not know how they where called or remember much from that day. thus a few days later i felt like i was going to die. like the air was leaving my lungs and went to the emergency room. i waited in a smellyroom where the pain in my chest and breathing was so painful and hard that i thought it was the end. after a little while the nurse came in and said ; “we have to take an xray to be sure your lung is not punctured.” i do not remember much except for the pain and that i was given paralginforte for it. went back to my apartment and do not think i did much the next days.
i told the nurse and the doctor his name and got a paper from her. but someone broke into my house and stole both documents clothes designerbags and designershoes. i have reported these ppl to the specialforces in norway and hope they will get their punishment, because this is also almost murder. this changed my whole persona in a way you would not understand. i thought i had experience some of the worst but being jumped and ending up with broken ribs is something that could have killed me. and again i hoped it would because it is easier to get ppl away for murder than for domestic violence and beating it seems like. being the victim does not seem to mean anything because you all feel sorry for the criminals culprits or yourselves. the last one i truly do not understand and will never be able to wrap my mind around that kind of mindset. i will never understand how you can protect fucked up ppl who only lie for a living. also one of his friends are amongst the reported. so i hope you all will take your lives or become drugaddicts if you have not fallen down that road yet. i wish someone will put you on heroin and rape you repeatedly for the rest of your lives in eternity!
there is also this violent boy that jumped me in my apartment last summer with a scissor and glassbottles that time the police also came but i do not know who called them. he was reported then and i got a restraining order against him. thus we had a person i n common i told this person the truth. but of course this summer they broke the law so i again reported the violent boy for the 2time in under a year. there is also an earlier abuser who i also have an restraining order against that showed up in my neighbourhood so i of course reported him too. he abused me for a year both physical and psychological both in norway and abroad. i do not know how some of the police in norway work but i know that some of you are violent corrupted and criminals.
so because of all this violence being strangled and loosing unborns i have not been myself at all this summer. but as if this was not enough the company i rented my apartment from went through with an illegal eviction. where they apparently said they have contacted me but did not. they also had a hearing that i did not get information about. saying i have done things i emailed them about. the only thing i have done is playing loud music during daytime. and i know for a fact that that is nor illegal or against the law anywhere. but on top of this at the places where one should feel safe i was jumped by a nightworker because of me walking in my sleep! so if you want to talk about culprits criminals and victims choose one side and see who you should protect!
there is a few things i wish to say to clear my mind as well for my heart. in 2004 my love died from me just 2days before his 25birthday. we had our lives and shared our words but not enough time here on earth. as i have kept his letters but lost his belongings i got to keep. i feel sad because i had things he made himself. after he passed i honestly promised myself that i would not fall in love with another in norway. so i have pretended to care and loved some just because being alone was lonely. i also accepted too much from others but never judged someone because of their looks or workplace. i thought silently to myself that i did not deserve to live but kept on going because in the end i wish for my own family.
after meeting good souls and the worst kind of ppl that exists i also believed i did not deserve happiness. so a small part in me feels like i let myself be abused but my soul knows that this is far from the truth. so i decided to try to make the ones i met either their best or just to bring out the worst kind of behaviour that exist. so i said things to see what you would do and if you have a black soul it will come out eventually. because sadly the people in norway are mostly violent prune to make excuses because they say i wanted it. as the years went on i met humans and souls that i still have love for. thus you are very few and rare but far away now i keep you in my heart even that we are not talking. i also pretended to like a lot of people but in the end knowing now it only brought sadness and the wrong kind of situations. but as the time went on i started my own company so i could use my life to something meaningful instead.
these years has gone by in a flash it seems but somehow also it has been a slow road for me. with years in a place i really did not wish to live just because i had to get inspiration from the streets. there is not much positiveness to say about my years in oslo. but i had some fun and memorable moments to write and think about. as for the people i have had in my life i honestly can say there is not many of you that i kept as family. through the years i gave too many chances and stayed quiet when i should have spoken. listening to some of you telling me how to be me and also the negative backstabbing people. so i slowly deleted you from my life and choose a new path to indulge in life. hoping that making ‘new friends would be better but then again now somehow it also failed slowly. so after years of abuse by different ppl i finally bought my ticket back home to korea. for as for the years i spent in norway i never dated a korean because i wanted to meet a real one.
like time the years also flew by and i did not think of my age at all. so now most of the humans and soul has coupled up and gotten their own offsprings with another woman. as for myself i was pregnant but the one who got me pregnant strangled me 3times and almost killed me. but the aftermath of that was also bleeding so i lost my unborn before i got to see them. this is a pain and a sorrow but still then i now know that i am able to get pregnant. so i see the light in the darkness and try to stay focused in life. having to admit that i would rather actually also have died myself so he again would feel blame for someone elses death. because these people do not seem to care about the unborn being killed while they are still growing into babies inside another human. because it could easily have ended up with me dying there too.
maybe this looks like me not knowing what real love is but trust me i know it. i have loved and still saranghae someone but for now i am mostly quiet and feeling languagely dumb. because here i can read and write but do not know how to express myself and talk in korean. ending up yelling at myself quietly thus now in norwegian and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. because truly i hate this language now and have less and less respect for those fucked up people. i never understood why some of you appreciate liars and makebelieve lives. i also know some of you think i talk and write to you but ones again it is because you think i do. thus now you got one line from me you who i truly hate.
having to admit i now only try to care and put myself before all of you. also not an easy thing to do but rather to fail caring for someone i truly love than for selfish childish unintelligent ignorant people. maybe it is twofaced but what does that really matters when almost all of you lie and pretend to be someone else. just remember that life is meant for love and happiness and in the end it is better to be one big happy family.