In My Biporderlinedissiociativeating Life By Me


I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!

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Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?

In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…

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I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.

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So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.

But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;

In My Biporderlinedissiocitiveating

And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare  and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!

Love,

Any Bryde

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It Is Not Me


Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.

Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this  safe and sound.

The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.

The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.

Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.

But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.

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Love,

Any Bryde

Will You Ever Understand


I want to be someone, like the people I see on the streets. But my life is not like that. I live with a broken mind, a mind with another reality.

I wish I was like you, like you, looking and feeling “normal”. Not being sick, sick from my own thoughts. Not having a mental state of mind.

But there is a life and it is unfair. The card has been dealt and I got all the bad ones. But I do not mean being out of control.

Still I smile, and you see me thinking like you. “Normal”, but I am a broken soul. My mind is reprogrammed, like another reality as a TV-show.

So I write and sing this song, maybe someone will understand. But I doubt that you do, this experience is not for us all. You have to go through it yourself. It is the beating heart of love that is keeping me going on.

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Love,

Any Bryde

I Don’t Believe In Promises 


I know I do not believe everything people say these days, do not believe when people tell us they promised you something anymore because they will always fuck it up and I am always left alone. I do not want this for someone else anymore more, there is nothing more to say I do not want to live anymore so this is not to say goodbye to you all I do not mean to hurt you I just sick of the feeling to be a burden for you anymore. Take control over your own life and do not think about me at all, I am fine where I am I found peace. Do not ever think about me please I am fine and I would never be happier than that I am right now. So find something in your life the worth your love, devotion and time. I wish for the small stuff. Find the person that loves you no matter what, the one that will be there for you and love you no matter what. I wish I could be the one but unfortunately, I am dead already inside. But on the other hand, I have a whole new me that has come out from the darkness.

 
I went through a lot in 2015, my body is slowly recovering. And at the same time, I got to know I have been getting the wrong medicine so I quit them. I will not lie, this feels like hell and heaven, but so much more. Some medicine almost paralyzed me and I felt like an empty shell walking alone. Now I see, again I have complete access to my brain and yes it is chaotic and making me very aware of my illnesses. I have been away, my brain and body have been elsewhere and everything around me has been really hard to deal with. But something has given me a new of seeing myself. I remember what made me try different medications and how I felt. Because now I am back here, enjoying it and at the same moment hating it. But this is my reality and I am happier here! Yet I am going to a clinic again, hoping for the right help. And my mask is off.

 
So here I am, still looking and searching. Will this game never end, is it an ongoing thing that I cannot shake off..? My feelings and my heart are lost, like a needle in the haystack. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all I want is to stay inside my apartment and wait. Wait for the next one to crush my heart, soul and bones. Shattered like a graveyard and a million  pieces of glass all over. I lost my heart along the way from there to here and now I am blinded and filled with tears every day and night.

Love,

Any Bryde