Suddenly the snow is gone and we can finally see the grass again. The temperature is on the plus side and the sun is smiling down on us once more again. Spring has set her foot here in Norway. This country is not where i want to be, but for now it is home and soon a smaller version of me will appear. A baby spending all her time in a small sack inside my belly is growing strong. Her little kicks, pushes and hiccups takes most of my time now and for the rest of my life will be number one.
I am hoping you will be a precious one, filled with love and a heart of gold. Not afraid of what the world has to show you, but intelligent enough to know that your soul belongs to the universe and that we are our own. I hope you will have open eyes and ears, so no one can do harm to your soul. But wise enough to be a gentle soul and see through all the bullshit and lies when it is shown. Smiling, laughing, crying, feeling every single drop of our blood. You will be a strong one, with a voice of your own. As you will light up the summer with your eyes, I know your soul will be warm. Finding your way through this life might not be easy, but i promise you you will never be alone.
As for the wind there will be storms, but I will always support your goals. So when the time comes and you will be born you will be known. As the one I have always waited for, my first born, a child unknown. Together we are our own little tree, but in our past there are many more. Here we also have branches that reaches out to us, but with another root in the soil. So when you are sad look in my eyes and I will comfort your soul.
As for being pregnant and alone going on week 19 my my body is slowly growing bigger and changing even more. The weight gain is honestly the worst thing in the whole universe, but still, I know it is necessary for my little one. But I cannot help but think; why should I gain weight while making another human? What is the reason for me to get bigger except for my belly and baby weight? Searching around online leaving me with the same thoughts, “you do not need to eat for two, all that is needed is to eat when you are hungry…” Having in mind that cravings and just wanting food is not hunger. So I keep to about two to three meals a day and maybe some snacks and of course drinking fluids. As I document everything I eat I have to admit I do not eat it all. But I eat until I feel full and know when I am not being active there is no need for more than two meals a day.
Thinking about the time that will come after my baby is born. Not wanting to be the fat mom or in any way fat at all. Trying to be healthy and not letting my eating disorders control my life is not easy nor is it possible or curable. I think to myself that pretending and telling myself I am in control makes it a little better. But I still know I will never really recover from this, ever! It is the same with my bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, it is something we all just have to learn to live with and accept. So when I quit all the medicine and painkillers in 2016/2017 that I feel they forced me to use. I finally now start feeling as myself again. In control, living with chronic pain that is more durable than being addicted to chemicals that in reality are drugs! Still, I know how much the opioid painkillers helped me, but when the choice is being an addict or being myself it is very easy. For you whom go on the “opioid-train and end up with a needle in your veins, I feel sorry for you. But sadly you also deserve the addict life if you do not quit! Because there are so many of you that use it because you have so-called “issues in your lives, and that is mainly just a fucked-up excuse to not do anything about it than party and end up being a sad excuse for society!
Seeing everything clearer and being able to be sad, angry, happy, worried, depressed, trying to love and trust again is more than welcome in my life and future. Because living in a sedated fog of surrounding yourself with people you never ever would let into your life and home, is like making a deal with the most devilish people who walk around and pretend they are something. They end up breaking in, stealing from you and basically hack and lie their way around you and your life so you, in the end, look like a bad person. Where the positive outcome in my life is that almost all of you whom I should never have been kind to seem to be violent criminals, have substance abuse problems and in the end, did something illegal and or violent against me personally so I ended up being physical and emotional hurt. That is or was the only thing that seemed to wake me up. Knowing how it is sad that some people do not understand “no or a “get-the-hell-out, is one of the ways to see the difference between the liars and abusers from the humans that actually means no harm.
But in my future now, it is only my child, me and the ones who are worthy of my attention and love that will exist. Keeping my circle small and changing is what is necessary for the future to come. Even tho I wish I could have changed some of my past and the people I have met, it is easier to just delete and report you and go on with the miracle that is growing inside me, making the choice to try to be happy.
thinking this life and planet is not meant for the honest and open. i now have a soul that really does not care what others think or say anymore. but if you are a liar one who just assume and only care about yourself or those who fit your frame of humans you should be ashamed and find a new path in your life. knowing i also have accepted almost everything throughout my life from different people have and will always be a trauma for me as long as i am alive. so now i am and still will clean out my closet deleting some of you and maybe for the rest of our lives. there is a chance to correct the wrongdoings the hurtful words and the solitude space it seems like you placed me in all my life. but i will not say i am sorry anymore because honestly i have actually done nothing wrong except for trying to stand for my own life. well yes i have probably been to honest for your taste and as always i am the one to blame so it easier to keep living your lies. but if you dig within your own souls you will find the answer and hopefully see why i tried to reach out asking for help the way i am doing and see the reality for what it is. being me has not been easy and i know that this is a lifetime event. because separating myself from toxin and people is what has been taking place since i was put on medicine that destroyed my health body and brain. these pills did not help me but made me a lesser human in every way. they took away my personality and made me into a soulless shell of stupidity with the worst judgement since 2010. seeing they might help some but also not making me think ; hey either they want to be drugged down or have an excuse for doing absolutely nothing in their lives.
the era we are going through now is filled with prescription drugs addicts alcoholics abusers criminals corruption murderers racists and us who fight for something real here in our lives. taking a stand on which side to stay on is something that some of you are struggling with and might should start to think of. i hope that someday you wake up and see how you treat your children family friends colleagues neighbours and loved ones. because seeing this from a place far away makes the pieces fall into a completely different place this time. learning that some of you still play the game of #iampretendingtobethebestandperfect is a laughable joke of people thinking they are all that. i am sorry to have to say that some of you should wake up an teach eachother that a good soul is the most beautiful a human can be throughout life. it does not matter if you have a master of whatever degree because education is so much more than a paper. working is something everybody does because the money is needed for life on earth. sadly some of you actually kill innocent humans for a living and walk freely around because the safety is absent some places here on planetearth.
i do not know how humanity will solve this problem but to shine a light on the reality is what the world needs. you think to highly of yourselves and the lies you are living but it also seems like you appreciate this more for an unexplainable reason. so for the future the world seems hopelessly helpless but we are not the one to give up our hope for the rest of the living. as for myself i will honestly admit i am lonely but this is better than having people who pretend they love me around. so for me and my baby i will always keep an eye and ear open but failing is also a part of our lives. so please just stay away if your intention is to only talk to me to boost your ego or narcissistic persona and not be here for us. since i know i am not the best to stay in contact myself i ask you to please remember i have been let down in my life. i am trying so hard to believe that the ones i love want to keep me in their private lives. for me this will take some time because of personal trauma and the fear of being rejected and feeling unwanted all my life. thus i also know that being alone is not the worst that can happen to a person in this time i still have some i love in my heart.
i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.
because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.
so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.
i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.