i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.
because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.
so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.
i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.
in march this year a boy who forced himself into my life and house who i regretfully let stay because i thought i could help. again this boy turned out to be a liar that jumped me in my own house and broke ribs on the right side of my chest. the police came i do not know how they where called or remember much from that day. thus a few days later i felt like i was going to die. like the air was leaving my lungs and went to the emergency room. i waited in a smellyroom where the pain in my chest and breathing was so painful and hard that i thought it was the end. after a little while the nurse came in and said ; “we have to take an xray to be sure your lung is not punctured.” i do not remember much except for the pain and that i was given paralginforte for it. went back to my apartment and do not think i did much the next days.
i told the nurse and the doctor his name and got a paper from her. but someone broke into my house and stole both documents clothes designerbags and designershoes. i have reported these ppl to the specialforces in norway and hope they will get their punishment, because this is also almost murder. this changed my whole persona in a way you would not understand. i thought i had experience some of the worst but being jumped and ending up with broken ribs is something that could have killed me. and again i hoped it would because it is easier to get ppl away for murder than for domestic violence and beating it seems like. being the victim does not seem to mean anything because you all feel sorry for the criminals culprits or yourselves. the last one i truly do not understand and will never be able to wrap my mind around that kind of mindset. i will never understand how you can protect fucked up ppl who only lie for a living. also one of his friends are amongst the reported. so i hope you all will take your lives or become drugaddicts if you have not fallen down that road yet. i wish someone will put you on heroin and rape you repeatedly for the rest of your lives in eternity!
there is also this violent boy that jumped me in my apartment last summer with a scissor and glassbottles that time the police also came but i do not know who called them. he was reported then and i got a restraining order against him. thus we had a person i n common i told this person the truth. but of course this summer they broke the law so i again reported the violent boy for the 2time in under a year. there is also an earlier abuser who i also have an restraining order against that showed up in my neighbourhood so i of course reported him too. he abused me for a year both physical and psychological both in norway and abroad. i do not know how some of the police in norway work but i know that some of you are violent corrupted and criminals.
so because of all this violence being strangled and loosing unborns i have not been myself at all this summer. but as if this was not enough the company i rented my apartment from went through with an illegal eviction. where they apparently said they have contacted me but did not. they also had a hearing that i did not get information about. saying i have done things i emailed them about. the only thing i have done is playing loud music during daytime. and i know for a fact that that is nor illegal or against the law anywhere. but on top of this at the places where one should feel safe i was jumped by a nightworker because of me walking in my sleep! so if you want to talk about culprits criminals and victims choose one side and see who you should protect!
this is for you whom been abused used killed kidnapped and raped. for your families friends neighbours and workplaces. please do not be tempted by money from others that have more than you. accept that life sometimes is a little unfair and work together for a better society instead. with love we can reach so much further. so please do not kill your own race. where we live there is so many different souls but to use yourself to destroy our human and animal race is not why we are put here on planetearth.
i am sad to see that so many of you think that the beauty standards only have one “face. the beauty is the difference in our souls and eyes. let us be us so we can shine bright as the stars. remember when at night and we look up at the sky. even when it is pitch black the stars shine behind the clouds. i understand we want to change our appearance, i made myself look more ladylike bodywise. but changing your face will somewhat change your brain. maybe not now but when you get children and a family. i understand if you do it for yourselves but remember to be honest about it and keep your old self at heart.
i am also sad to see all this racism in 2017 but as we all know our lives circle around our lives. there are so many people making dirty money on cruelty so for you who have lost someone to drugs or humantrafficking ; remember to stay strong and never give up because sadly to say it is probably someone you know. these people circle around us like air. they can be your neighbour dentist doctor teacher driver police securitygards or a familymember. i know by heart there is one way to make the outside safer and thats how we do in korea with cctv. but still you need to trust all the workers in the place. because cruelty can have many faces but so can the faces of love and beauty!
TO YOU CRIMINAL CULPRITS ; I KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO THE VICTIMS OF HUMANTRAFFICKING AND DRUGTRAFFICKING ; YOU HAR SENDING THEM IN CONTAINERS ON THE BOATS AND TRAINS AROUND THE WORLD TO EMPTY THEIR ORGANS SOMEWHERE IN INDIA CAMBODIA THAILAND AFRICA USA SOUTHAMERICA SCANDINAVIA AND MORE. YOU ALSO USE HIGHCLASS HOSPITALS BUT ALSO SHADY PLACES TO FILL THEIR BODIES WITH DRUGS SO YOU CAN MAKE MONEY ON THIS CRUELTY FOR AS WELL AS SELLING THEIR ORGANS BEFORE BURNING SOME OF THEM. I DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE WHERE ALL THIS TAKES PLACE ALL I KNOW IT IS SOMEWHERE WARM SANDY MOUNTAINLIKE IN CALCUTTA AMONGST OTHER CITIES. AND I DO NOT KNOW IF ALL THEM TALK ENGLISH. THESE PPL ARE WELL EDUCATED SO IT CAN BE THAT THEY ARE PRETENDING NOT TO CARE OR UNDERSTAND. BUT IT IS TO SILENT US HUMANS THAT ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU PPL! SO SOME OF THE PILLS YOU PRESCRIBE AND SELL ARE WHAT YOU USE TO MAKE HUMANS INTO DRUGADDICTS AND WHORES AND EVEN WORSE TO MAKE THEM ABUSE OUR CHILDREN AND ANIMALS AND THEMSELVES! THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD SHOULD BE. AND IT IS ROOTED IN THE WESTERN WHITE SOCIETY! #StandUpForSomething #victims #humantrafficking #drugtrafficking #mentalawareness #humanity #peace #animals #planetearth #society #DoSomething #SaveLives
i arrived here in korea on the 21th of september since then i have walked almost all around this city. of course i have bought a few things to remember and the won has been spent all over town. my soul is happier now than ever but my tears fall down from the corners of my eyes. i have talked eaten and met a lot of good humans and this country is so much more than my soul can remember. i have fallen for this place and found something to cherish so i bought myself an hanbok to wear for seoul and my birthparents.
the summer is late but warm and comforting as i have brought my dresses and style for my own. the air is clean even tho there are a million cars driving around on the road of seoul town. as i see all the fellow koreans i think to myself that i am where i belong. but i feel dumb because i cannot speak the proper language and are somewhat stupider than the common man i know. i know how the words are written and pronouced but still i have not learned the meaning alone.
i have met someone that i keep close in my soul and there are new friends running all over town. these lights shine as stars with colors that do not fade. and as the led light blinks a picture is shown. i see your souls and feel the uncertain thus i know some of you judge my soul. i have seen both rich and poor and i belong to this town. i have tried some of the dishes i have dreamed about but still there are so much more to come. as i have walked by the river and failed at seouls national cemetary i will go back tomorrow to show respect for the dead souls.
the rules and ethics are somewhat been mixed and i have remembered the wrong ones i know. my mind has gone so far and long that the timeline and railway does cross all over town. as we mix the old with the new i have much more to experience and wish for this seoul to be a gold mine of its own. where i try to write poetry in hangeul i do not know. but i hope to be respectful when the day will come. there are so many souls and i have opened up a realm and a way where an 오빠 has come into my seoul. whether there are us or another the time will show but one thing i know is that love has not gone. as far as i have traveled i have found a place i can call home………
“우리는 우리의 영혼과 함께 사는 것처럼 살고 있습니다.”~김유화이 ♾ 2017 #증만ㅅㅎ에로한원김유화이 #author #시인 #한국사람 #alone #anybryde #김유화이 #everydaymoments #fighting #travelinginkoreaseoul #서울에서 #anybrydephoto✌