Eight weeks has passed and I would not change anything. Time goes too fast and I try to remember everything. Capture our moments, your life, evolving while I blink and breathe. You are so precious and beautiful, small and petite… It is almost unbelievable that you also will become a grown up like me. You snore, babble, smile and cry. And I soak up every single second of your life. I am always here by your side, never will I disappear. How is it possible to love someone so much, without demanding anything?
I have to admit that I wish we had someone to share all our moments with. Because this experience is truly amazing and something that is worthy of sharing. That is the moments I tear up and cry my tears. When I think of all the humans you do not get to meet and when I am reminded that I do this all by myself. For now, because you are too little to know, remember and see how beautiful our lives are within. I try to capture our lives and memories for you. Your smile shine light on the darkest hour, and the sparkles in your eyes are like crystal diamonds. Waking up to your babbling and having you showering me with smiles, is something i wish we could have videotaped. But being just the two of us makes it kind of difficult, so for now I keep them in my heart and mind.
We have had it quite easy, and made it this far. Of course you scream, but what can we do. That is your voice, until your words will come through. So I hope you always will know and remember that your eomma loves you.
Suddenly the snow is gone and we can finally see the grass again. The temperature is on the plus side and the sun is smiling down on us once more again. Spring has set her foot here in Norway. This country is not where i want to be, but for now it is home and soon a smaller version of me will appear. A baby spending all her time in a small sack inside my belly is growing strong. Her little kicks, pushes and hiccups takes most of my time now and for the rest of my life will be number one.
I am hoping you will be a precious one, filled with love and a heart of gold. Not afraid of what the world has to show you, but intelligent enough to know that your soul belongs to the universe and that we are our own. I hope you will have open eyes and ears, so no one can do harm to your soul. But wise enough to be a gentle soul and see through all the bullshit and lies when it is shown. Smiling, laughing, crying, feeling every single drop of our blood. You will be a strong one, with a voice of your own. As you will light up the summer with your eyes, I know your soul will be warm. Finding your way through this life might not be easy, but i promise you you will never be alone.
As for the wind there will be storms, but I will always support your goals. So when the time comes and you will be born you will be known. As the one I have always waited for, my first born, a child unknown. Together we are our own little tree, but in our past there are many more. Here we also have branches that reaches out to us, but with another root in the soil. So when you are sad look in my eyes and I will comfort your soul.
As for being pregnant and alone going on week 19 my my body is slowly growing bigger and changing even more. The weight gain is honestly the worst thing in the whole universe, but still, I know it is necessary for my little one. But I cannot help but think; why should I gain weight while making another human? What is the reason for me to get bigger except for my belly and baby weight? Searching around online leaving me with the same thoughts, “you do not need to eat for two, all that is needed is to eat when you are hungry…” Having in mind that cravings and just wanting food is not hunger. So I keep to about two to three meals a day and maybe some snacks and of course drinking fluids. As I document everything I eat I have to admit I do not eat it all. But I eat until I feel full and know when I am not being active there is no need for more than two meals a day.
Thinking about the time that will come after my baby is born. Not wanting to be the fat mom or in any way fat at all. Trying to be healthy and not letting my eating disorders control my life is not easy nor is it possible or curable. I think to myself that pretending and telling myself I am in control makes it a little better. But I still know I will never really recover from this, ever! It is the same with my bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, it is something we all just have to learn to live with and accept. So when I quit all the medicine and painkillers in 2016/2017 that I feel they forced me to use. I finally now start feeling as myself again. In control, living with chronic pain that is more durable than being addicted to chemicals that in reality are drugs! Still, I know how much the opioid painkillers helped me, but when the choice is being an addict or being myself it is very easy. For you whom go on the “opioid-train and end up with a needle in your veins, I feel sorry for you. But sadly you also deserve the addict life if you do not quit! Because there are so many of you that use it because you have so-called “issues in your lives, and that is mainly just a fucked-up excuse to not do anything about it than party and end up being a sad excuse for society!
Seeing everything clearer and being able to be sad, angry, happy, worried, depressed, trying to love and trust again is more than welcome in my life and future. Because living in a sedated fog of surrounding yourself with people you never ever would let into your life and home, is like making a deal with the most devilish people who walk around and pretend they are something. They end up breaking in, stealing from you and basically hack and lie their way around you and your life so you, in the end, look like a bad person. Where the positive outcome in my life is that almost all of you whom I should never have been kind to seem to be violent criminals, have substance abuse problems and in the end, did something illegal and or violent against me personally so I ended up being physical and emotional hurt. That is or was the only thing that seemed to wake me up. Knowing how it is sad that some people do not understand “no or a “get-the-hell-out, is one of the ways to see the difference between the liars and abusers from the humans that actually means no harm.
But in my future now, it is only my child, me and the ones who are worthy of my attention and love that will exist. Keeping my circle small and changing is what is necessary for the future to come. Even tho I wish I could have changed some of my past and the people I have met, it is easier to just delete and report you and go on with the miracle that is growing inside me, making the choice to try to be happy.
there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.
in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.
in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.
i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.