Culprits


september is finally here and i do feel more calm than the previous months. this year has been hell for as well as the past. but why complain when i can tell you all in words about how it is to live and be abused in what these people call the “best country in the world.

i am bought to norway without my concent and would change this life for everything else. but now that i am over 35 years i am blessed to be breathing and seeing the sun. i will not say it has all been bad but mainly i have been abused. by almost everybody in my life but i have deleted them now or as they say “blocked you in facebook. after years with emotional abuse from some of the people. i have cut them out like garbage and cigarettes. to me they have never meant nothing at all because all they do is lie cheat use violence and drink. the words that they use are mainly negative and they spread rumors and lies about almost everybody. i have never wished for them so the loss is not big. but of course i am broken because i have been there for them. but my pride is stronger than these fake people style so it so easy to just say goodbye.

i have been blamed by the girl and she has said to my mom “it is her fault i have no friends had to go to a psycholog and all that. mom you have to pay! the boy is a racist and violent or they both actually are. but some years ago he was kinder than now. these people seem ignonrant and unintelligent to me because all they do is copy cut and paste. thus i really do not know because all their socialmedia is secret. so their life is probably fake with the lies inbetween. as expected of course some people believe in lies and i do not have any energy to tell them otherwise.

this situation and abuse i have been through is hard because again i have been exposed to violence and harm. i wish for a capitol punhisment for these crimes and for the criminals to pay their way in life. in this country the rapers run freely in the streets. where they have goals to fuck at least a new girl every day. i do not know how a person can go through with this. but when i look back at the raper i only see stupidity in his eyes. thinking you are something when you are so ugly and violent is somewhat a laughing stock for the real market! and these people of course are in a group but not a popular one just a messenger thing. i think they have a deal where they drug girls and take them home because everything i have been through since i met them is in shadows. of course the other one broke my ribs and made some friends delete the police report from the prison they work in. i know cause they called me on a number unknown from a prison in oslo norway and i have met them once. i do not remember the names but i know the culprit and his fucked up family so to tell you all karma will hit you!

for the last one he is an fake and someone i dated he has used and abused me as well. the last he did after he got me pregnant was strungle me 3 times in a row. i lost my breath and almost died my neck and throat got crushed and the voice dissapeard. and i lost the unborn beacuse of all of this violence so now i am done with you sociopathic unempathic dumb people. this country is filled with so much criminality and fake news that even the politician parties are in on it! as for the terrorattack here in oslo they all might have a connection because these actions against me remind me of death and blackness. the others that think they have gotten a pass should look back and know that you are breaking all the laws. getting friends to come up to me is not smart when you have restrittiva and not doing your job policeofficer it is bad i have to say. but i know you know so i will see what happens next.

much love

Beat’n Jeg Savner


Finne ny musikk er som medisin for sjelen, smøret på brødskiva, bensinen i bilen og vannet i kroppen. Det meste kan kureres med  musikk, rytmer gjør meg glad og noen ganger trist. Det er en av triksene jeg bruker for å ikke føle meg helt alene i verden. Jgg skrur opp lyden, synger og glemmer alt noen minutter eller timer. Savnet jeg føler når jeg hører musikk som minner meg om bestemte personer, blir jeg ofte lei meg og glad om hverandre. Det er også litt underlig å se meg selv skrive på norsk, siden jeg er vandt med engelsk. Blir vel en del av meg etterhvert dette også. 

Jeg skulle ønske det var flere spontane mennesker her i verden, bare gutse litt, tøye en grense og se hva som er på den andre siden. Mitt liv er fylt med opplevelser og jeg håper det vil fortsette slik. Jeg er på veien for å falle, men hvordan det vil gå vil tiden vise. Jeg er tryggere med denne personen enn noen andre, jeg føler at han vil mitt beste og at vi skal dele historier sammen, lage et drømmeliv. Vil dette virkelig skje og er dette ekte, jeg har aldri hatt denne følelsen før. Jeg elsker like mye som jeg hater, jeg ser i svart og hvitt, har en mørk side, mange personligheter, flere humørskiftninger enn de fleste, men jeg mangler det synlige såret, skaden som alle kan se. En mental sykdom er ikke synlig for de fleste. Ensomheten er så virkelig for meg at jeg skulle gitt hva som helst for å ikke ha det slik, men medisiner virker ikke på alt. Jeg tar Orfiril, Seroquel, Tolvon, Valium og Mogadon. Fire ganger hver dag svelger jeg piller, en rutine i hverdagen og de hjelper vel noe. Utenom deppresjonene, de kommer og varer. Så når “endelig” en manisk periode kommer, ja jeg sier endelig fordi det gir meg et løft, blir jeg fryktelig impulsiv og ekstrovert.

Jeg savner deg, du som forstår, får meg til å le, smile, vil meg det beste, holder rundt meg når jeg trenger det og ikke minst er her for meg samme hva. Det å føle seg uønsket er ikke en hyggelig tanke å gå rundt med hele tiden. Alt dere forteller meg som skjer, alt jeg prosesserer, alle mine egne tanker, det jeg sier og deres svar. Så kommer stemmenes svar, jeg har ikke kontroll på dem og de er mange. Men det å stenge meg inne i min egen leilighet fungerer helt till panikk anfallet kommer. Så jeg har lært meg å leve med dem. Hvor lenge eller hvorfor de er her, vet jeg ikke. Selvfølgelig lurer jeg, det er ikke et sekund uten at jeg hører negative ord, bemerkninger og ser hallusinasjoner. Hvorfor det er noen mennesker som trugger denne siden mer enn andre forstår jeg ikke enda. Som jeg har sagt før, jeg føler jeg ikke hører hjemme i denne verdenen, jeg føler meg fremmed og så ulik allle andre. Jeg vil ha en å sitte stille sammen med, en som masserer føttene mine utenatt jeg spør… 

Og jeg vet du finnes, for de beste dagene i livet har enda ikke vært og med all min ulykke bør the rainy days være over snart..

Love,

AnyBryde