there has been almost two weeks here in seoul already. and i have never felt more home in a place than now. as i walk around thinking looking listening and feeling a spirit that is closer to mt heart than ever. i have met so many warmhearted humans and tied connections that do feel realer than before. i still lose myself to a place where i am too whimsical and sad inbetween my smiles. as i have walked so many miles i have seen a lot of different styles. but one thing is for sure in this city and that is that love concours all.
this night as i went out to take pictures my money fell out of my purse. i backtracked but could not find my roll so i had to message my mom again. i feel bad because i only bring sad news and never a smile to someones face. i lost everything even tho i have things but here i feel that i have a place. i bow to the elders and see how the times has changed. but recognize places i have been sometimes before. i do not know when exactly to be honest and it could be a vivid dream i have dreamed before. as i see all of you on the streets laughing i wonder how is it possible. for thus holiday my soul has broken because of my dead souls. i cry and cry and wonder why my tears fall bu sadly i know i get to easily upset. as i take all these pictures i am thinking about my loved ones and wonder do you see the real me at all.
sometimes i put my headphones on and walk with my music to do not think at all. but then again i miss your voices so i think maybe we should collab and stall. in this place where the sun shines and the moon rise above us we listen to the voices that surrounds us all. and these days i think about the man i lost over 13years ago. he died and we were suppose to get married but maybe the fate is to sometimes lose one love. so we can know how to love another and not to accept abuse at all. thus i know i have been abused bullied hitten and raped. even that there has been murder and broken ribs inside. i wish for someone to think and believe my words and voice as i have done for you all. i do not know what my future will look like but there is one thing i do know for sure. and that is that you people have to do something to help us humans or you will die ones more.
look around you and see how the world is changing and open your minds to a society for us all. here in my motherland there are so many different humans that i can feel and see the exchange of loved souls. but i have to admit that i struggle within because the lack of living is somewhat real and open for us all. letting people getting away with murder and abuse should not be something we should see anymore. i have this summer lost unborn humans and now i will not take this anymore………
My life is changed again, again with the fear, behind locked doors and hiding like a ghost in daylight. My mind wanders and goes to places that again makes me change personalities, the way I live and where I go. The wishful thinking of leaving this place just to get peace and a real life. In this world, there are so any evil people that I now just want to go to the moon. Or to find a planet only for the good ones, so the bad ones can destroy each other instead! Spending my life in the shadow of myself and scared of the world. I can go as far as I would now say the hate is growing. My caring, optimistic, smiling self is gone – now. And I am left with terrors, nightmares and the wish of not being alive. Why is it so, that a person is so evil and to destroy another? I will never get that!
There have been months of nothing from me…but now you see why I cannot do my “normal” things. Left with the scars and a life I do not think matters. There is no seeking of attention or pity. Just a memento to let the world know that there are still people who think Mental Illnesses do not exist! Shame on you all! What happened to read and knowledge in the human race? Why have some people gone blind to others? Lately, I have been trying to “connect” with my heritage, South Korea, watching Korean movies. The languages are starting to sound familiar and I understand more and more, and the wish of going there, traveling around and learn more. I am in the thoughts of wanting to go there and make a difference for kids like me. I have also started Korean Language School this semester, level 1. So Inwill soon be fluent in Hangul and Korean.
Life is simple, barricading myself inside with the voices and hallucinations. Even so I m still scared because of a bad person attached me in my apartment. I do not understand how a person can do such a thing! But as always my experiences will eventually make me stronger, but now I have to fight more than I ever have done. Why is it so that there are people here who intentionally destroy others? What happened to you? Like myself I have a lot of baggage, but I never let it out on others. I try to be a better person every day, because change starts within. So I am brushing off the dust on my shoulders and start with clean cheets.
There’s a time in your life where you discover the realness in the people you mix in your circle. Life is not always a shining star. But believing that the stars go away forever occur not for everybody. You will have the ones that have already made up their minds about how and what you are. As for myself, I have noticed that the ones that tell you that honesty is the most important thing in their world are the ones that will stab you in the back when the wheels are turned. And then the scariest thing is that they do not admit or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. I do not feel sorry for these people, nor do I have empathy for these souls. Like they say, you grow as you go and life will always represent you with lemons. The lemonade will sometimes turn out so sour that it is hard not to choke on them.
There are two ways of living life, you can do it honestly and open and then there are the liars they think they are safe and sound. But in reality, they are the struggles, the ones who has huge issues with themselves and everything they see in the mirror. Yes, I am the one with eating disorders sitting alone here at Hells Kitchen with my pizza and my beer. But I am really doing everything to turn my life around. There is no joke in this, hiding begin the curtains or trying to be someone I am not. I do live with my heart on my sleeve and it is for the whole wide world to see! But it I do not think you can see the truth behind your own kind! Honestly, I think you or some of you really needs a crash course to see reality and the real world.
You close your eyes to the real things and think no one can break your perfect little bubble. But let me enlighten you about a few things; We live in “open” world, no matter all the lies you post on social media and brag about your achievements. There will come the day where you all will be recognized, lies and all! It is the reality of life, I am an independent, I do not care anymore. I am really satisfied. With seeing the truth I see your eyes, the words that you spit from your narrow sited fucked up mouth! It is not about how much money you have, what you find in your closet or how you dress. It is all about your vibration and energy. How you leave your print if you are good or a bad seed…
Living life like it is not my own, loving you like you are the only one. Leaving the world behind for you where I was safe and sound, letting go of the unknown.
Learning slowly it is about you and not me, reading your face like the filter is gone. Opened a chapter I do not want to read. But I know it is the only way for me to get out of this safe and sound.
The sounds are so familiar, volume up high. Like the doves in the sky, I feel small like a crow. Not being able to reach out for your soul.
The lake opens up and I go under the familiar situations are weighing me down. Silence keep us distance, what am I suppose to know? Leaving it all behind like a world unknown.
Feeling like a ghost in my own town, where I rule away I was someone but yet no one on my own. Wanting to end my breath, I know I can do this on my own.
But punishing myself is too low, just standing in the doorway watching alone. It is like a car crash, going bad and then I die because there is no escaping this on my own.