Wake Up Call


there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.

in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.

in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.

i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.

 

 

With A Tongue Unknown


i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.

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because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.

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so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.

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i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.

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much love

 

Inside 2017October


“these days i wish for something
like respect love honesty my own family
there has been so much hardships
where i have been left lonely” 12.10.2017
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“two years ago i was put in a coma
where my soul ended up in a realm of drugs and humantrafficking
they emptied our bodies for organs in the mountains of calcutta
and then sent us back to the western world filled with drugs in our blood” 13.10.2017
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“this was the last day of my coma 2years ago
i was awaken by my late dad who passed from cancer 8years ago
so this year i am in my origin
but i still do not know where i was born
so last night i danced the night away” 14.10.2017
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i was “dead but woke up because my dad who passed from cancer 8years ago told me too ; “you have to wake up my girl, this is not a place for you” ~ was his words 💝🙇🏻‍♀️♾ so i woke up on my late dads birthday, 15.10.2015 💔 14.10.2017
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for my dad ; captain th bryde ;
“today my dad would have turned 71
you are born 1946.15.10. and died from cancer 2008.01.10
on this date exactly 2years ago
you woke me up from the coma i was put in ; “jenta mi! du må våkne opp. du har sovi for lenge. dette er ikke et sted for deg. for du skal ikke død nå. så du må kjempe deg tilbake til den levende verden. så følger vi deg og vil alltid passe på deg alle sammen. for vi er de som elsker deg!”
my answer was something like this ; “det går bra pappan min jeg slapper av her. jeg veit ikke hvor jeg er. hvor er jeg, er jeg ikke våken? jeg kan ikke dra fra deg nu når jeg har funnet deg her. jeg savner deg og er helt aleine. pappa jeg elsker deg!”
are some of our words from our conversation in a place where i was without air
so now i am alone in seoul again but with you all around me everywhere” 💝🌌🙇🏻‍♀️ 2017.15.10

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“the goal for life
is a society of peace
of course we will have problems
but we can still live together in harmony” 2017.16.10
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“there are ppl in this world who spend their time hacking and stalking
stealing pictures apps smartphones and digital lives from us humans
you even take our names rape us try to kill us and then brag about it or report a false statement to try to be somebody
so i will stand up and speak the truth and show the world because you are doing this to us who have been around the globe” 2017.17.10
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“sometimes i hold my breath to see if i am still breathing
but then i feel fat as i have the worst eatingdisorders
but leaving the abuser and the shitty country called norway
has helped my soul back home to korea” 2017.18.10
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“surprisingly or not this place also contains fake ppl
sometimes it takes time but in the end they cannot hide it
a commonthing between them is all they care about is money
pretending to be more than us other humans who live honestly
mostly they live of their parents and think they know languages
but intelligent is not measured in how many years you went to privateschools” 2017.19.10

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“these days i realize more and more
separating my mind body soul and heart
nevertheless i see the truth in your eyes
feeling your ignorant spoiled soul
truly hating you for taking my words
and thinking there are rules on how to live love eat and write
wondering how you make your money
seeing a schemer and your black soul” 2017.20.10

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“for a while i thought i could survive alone
realizing now i need someone
being deceived abused and let down
will grow our soul into a dragonite
where i now use my steps
i see different faces hear stories and see seoul in humans eyes
thus i hope to trust the ones i choose
i still expect to somewhat be abused” 2017.21.10

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“awakened again by ppl begging and some of your conversations are just about negativity
it can also be your thoughts but then i feel sorry for you
that your brain contains nothing but stupidity lies repeatedly gossipness
my fault is that i believed some of you where humans
thus everybody has their right to their own opionions” 2017.22.10

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“the sadness to see and know humans heart
can somewhat be more but will it rip us appart
the only i know how to handle pain
is to hurt and selfharm my own self
how i execute pain on myself is a secret i will keep until my breath is taken away
the only thing i will say is that you will never see an outside scar done by myself
if there is a visible scar it is done by someone else” 2017.23.10

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“all these dreaming gets me confused
which of you are the reality or a future view
is it so when i wake up
i say smile to myself and change the outlook for another view
where is the energy that is suppose to include” 2017.24.10

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“last night i ran to sleep
so this morning my brain was filled
i was afraid my 동생 was angry
so i went into her house to be a loving 언니” 2017.25.10

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“now my body and mind is exhausted
from all the negative culprits around me
i wish for a better tomorrow
with light shining down on me” 2017.26.10

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“tired because i woke up in the middle of the night and started working
so my soul is a little empty from lies and culprits
looking for your soul in all the realms i can reach
thus knowing i always have you next to me” 2017.27.10

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“after i went to the war museum alone
i now understand that some people are fake too
so i went and asked my 오빠 where i could eat lamb
so this halloween i only honour the dead souls” 2017.27.10

“i know you see a smile but it is just a millisecond
thinking of something that let me be happy
my choice is to delete rude childish behavioural people
leaving our life more delightful than ever”
“reasonable late awaken this morning
smiling to the world and keep going forward
it is a 안녕하세요 괜찮아
so let us be one and never depart” 2017.28.10

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“my dead souls awakes me by their voices
me i am deep inside vivid dreams
where i walk and fly around from places to places
as i meet people humans and those i love
it is all picture clear with sound and colors
but the exactly locations i harder to pin” 2017.29.10

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“wakening up something rumbling
my 변비 and the 약 i have taken for a couple of days is giving me a little discomforting
but finally it is on the move
after a couple of weeks with nothing” 2017.30.10

much love

Saving PlanetEarth


this is for you whom been abused used killed kidnapped and raped. for your families friends neighbours and workplaces. please do not be tempted by money from others that have more than you. accept that life sometimes is a little unfair and work together for a better society instead. with love we can reach so much further. so please do not kill your own race. where we live there is so many different souls but to use yourself to destroy our human and animal race is not why we are put here on planetearth.

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i am sad to see that so many of you think that the beauty standards only have one “face. the beauty is the difference in our souls and eyes. let us be us so we can shine bright as the stars. remember when at night and we look up at the sky. even when it is pitch black the stars shine behind the clouds. i understand we want to change our appearance, i made myself look more ladylike bodywise. but changing your face will somewhat change your brain. maybe not now but when you get children and a family. i understand if you do it for yourselves but remember to be honest about it and keep your old self at heart.

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i am also sad to see all this racism in 2017 but as we all know our lives circle around our lives. there are so many people making dirty money on cruelty so for you who have lost someone to drugs or humantrafficking ; remember to stay strong and never give up because sadly to say it is probably someone you know. these people circle around us like air. they can be your neighbour dentist doctor teacher driver police securitygards or a familymember. i know by heart there is one way to make the outside safer and thats how we do in korea with cctv. but still you need to trust all the workers in the place. because cruelty can have many faces but so can the faces of love and beauty!

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TO YOU CRIMINAL CULPRITS ; I KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO THE VICTIMS OF HUMANTRAFFICKING AND DRUGTRAFFICKING ; YOU HAR SENDING THEM IN CONTAINERS ON THE BOATS AND TRAINS AROUND THE WORLD TO EMPTY THEIR ORGANS SOMEWHERE IN INDIA CAMBODIA THAILAND AFRICA USA SOUTHAMERICA SCANDINAVIA AND MORE. YOU ALSO USE HIGHCLASS HOSPITALS BUT ALSO SHADY PLACES TO FILL THEIR BODIES WITH DRUGS SO YOU CAN MAKE MONEY ON THIS CRUELTY FOR AS WELL AS SELLING THEIR ORGANS BEFORE BURNING SOME OF THEM. I DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE WHERE ALL THIS TAKES PLACE ALL I KNOW IT IS SOMEWHERE WARM SANDY MOUNTAINLIKE IN CALCUTTA AMONGST OTHER CITIES. AND I DO NOT KNOW IF ALL THEM TALK ENGLISH. THESE PPL ARE WELL EDUCATED SO IT CAN BE THAT THEY ARE PRETENDING NOT TO CARE OR UNDERSTAND. BUT IT IS TO SILENT US HUMANS THAT ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU PPL! SO SOME OF THE PILLS YOU PRESCRIBE AND SELL ARE WHAT YOU USE TO MAKE HUMANS INTO DRUGADDICTS AND WHORES AND EVEN WORSE TO MAKE THEM ABUSE OUR CHILDREN AND ANIMALS AND THEMSELVES! THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD SHOULD BE. AND IT IS ROOTED IN THE WESTERN WHITE SOCIETY! #StandUpForSomething #victims #humantrafficking #drugtrafficking #mentalawareness #humanity #peace #animals #planetearth #society #DoSomething #SaveLives

much love