We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.
Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.
I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.
As for being pregnant and alone going on week 19 my my body is slowly growing bigger and changing even more. The weight gain is honestly the worst thing in the whole universe, but still, I know it is necessary for my little one. But I cannot help but think; why should I gain weight while making another human? What is the reason for me to get bigger except for my belly and baby weight? Searching around online leaving me with the same thoughts, “you do not need to eat for two, all that is needed is to eat when you are hungry…” Having in mind that cravings and just wanting food is not hunger. So I keep to about two to three meals a day and maybe some snacks and of course drinking fluids. As I document everything I eat I have to admit I do not eat it all. But I eat until I feel full and know when I am not being active there is no need for more than two meals a day.
Thinking about the time that will come after my baby is born. Not wanting to be the fat mom or in any way fat at all. Trying to be healthy and not letting my eating disorders control my life is not easy nor is it possible or curable. I think to myself that pretending and telling myself I am in control makes it a little better. But I still know I will never really recover from this, ever! It is the same with my bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, it is something we all just have to learn to live with and accept. So when I quit all the medicine and painkillers in 2016/2017 that I feel they forced me to use. I finally now start feeling as myself again. In control, living with chronic pain that is more durable than being addicted to chemicals that in reality are drugs! Still, I know how much the opioid painkillers helped me, but when the choice is being an addict or being myself it is very easy. For you whom go on the “opioid-train and end up with a needle in your veins, I feel sorry for you. But sadly you also deserve the addict life if you do not quit! Because there are so many of you that use it because you have so-called “issues in your lives, and that is mainly just a fucked-up excuse to not do anything about it than party and end up being a sad excuse for society!
Seeing everything clearer and being able to be sad, angry, happy, worried, depressed, trying to love and trust again is more than welcome in my life and future. Because living in a sedated fog of surrounding yourself with people you never ever would let into your life and home, is like making a deal with the most devilish people who walk around and pretend they are something. They end up breaking in, stealing from you and basically hack and lie their way around you and your life so you, in the end, look like a bad person. Where the positive outcome in my life is that almost all of you whom I should never have been kind to seem to be violent criminals, have substance abuse problems and in the end, did something illegal and or violent against me personally so I ended up being physical and emotional hurt. That is or was the only thing that seemed to wake me up. Knowing how it is sad that some people do not understand “no or a “get-the-hell-out, is one of the ways to see the difference between the liars and abusers from the humans that actually means no harm.
But in my future now, it is only my child, me and the ones who are worthy of my attention and love that will exist. Keeping my circle small and changing is what is necessary for the future to come. Even tho I wish I could have changed some of my past and the people I have met, it is easier to just delete and report you and go on with the miracle that is growing inside me, making the choice to try to be happy.
thinking this life and planet is not meant for the honest and open. i now have a soul that really does not care what others think or say anymore. but if you are a liar one who just assume and only care about yourself or those who fit your frame of humans you should be ashamed and find a new path in your life. knowing i also have accepted almost everything throughout my life from different people have and will always be a trauma for me as long as i am alive. so now i am and still will clean out my closet deleting some of you and maybe for the rest of our lives. there is a chance to correct the wrongdoings the hurtful words and the solitude space it seems like you placed me in all my life. but i will not say i am sorry anymore because honestly i have actually done nothing wrong except for trying to stand for my own life. well yes i have probably been to honest for your taste and as always i am the one to blame so it easier to keep living your lies. but if you dig within your own souls you will find the answer and hopefully see why i tried to reach out asking for help the way i am doing and see the reality for what it is. being me has not been easy and i know that this is a lifetime event. because separating myself from toxin and people is what has been taking place since i was put on medicine that destroyed my health body and brain. these pills did not help me but made me a lesser human in every way. they took away my personality and made me into a soulless shell of stupidity with the worst judgement since 2010. seeing they might help some but also not making me think ; hey either they want to be drugged down or have an excuse for doing absolutely nothing in their lives.
the era we are going through now is filled with prescription drugs addicts alcoholics abusers criminals corruption murderers racists and us who fight for something real here in our lives. taking a stand on which side to stay on is something that some of you are struggling with and might should start to think of. i hope that someday you wake up and see how you treat your children family friends colleagues neighbours and loved ones. because seeing this from a place far away makes the pieces fall into a completely different place this time. learning that some of you still play the game of #iampretendingtobethebestandperfect is a laughable joke of people thinking they are all that. i am sorry to have to say that some of you should wake up an teach eachother that a good soul is the most beautiful a human can be throughout life. it does not matter if you have a master of whatever degree because education is so much more than a paper. working is something everybody does because the money is needed for life on earth. sadly some of you actually kill innocent humans for a living and walk freely around because the safety is absent some places here on planetearth.
i do not know how humanity will solve this problem but to shine a light on the reality is what the world needs. you think to highly of yourselves and the lies you are living but it also seems like you appreciate this more for an unexplainable reason. so for the future the world seems hopelessly helpless but we are not the one to give up our hope for the rest of the living. as for myself i will honestly admit i am lonely but this is better than having people who pretend they love me around. so for me and my baby i will always keep an eye and ear open but failing is also a part of our lives. so please just stay away if your intention is to only talk to me to boost your ego or narcissistic persona and not be here for us. since i know i am not the best to stay in contact myself i ask you to please remember i have been let down in my life. i am trying so hard to believe that the ones i love want to keep me in their private lives. for me this will take some time because of personal trauma and the fear of being rejected and feeling unwanted all my life. thus i also know that being alone is not the worst that can happen to a person in this time i still have some i love in my heart.
for a second i thought my life was filled with something else. then discovering i am filled with a baby. blessed to give life to something completely innocent beautiful and precious that no one has ever met before. now learning from my experience that trusting my own body and listening to my souls is sometimes the only thing that seems right in this world. but as far as i know you only know about me and my insides. learning that there are early signs and that i have felt you growing inside me for a while now ; my obgyn says it has been 10weeks. i have felt the warmth ~ your heartbeats ~ movement ~ peace. i have cried ~ thrown up ~ smelled everyhting ~ breasts aching. so when i first saw your pictures i said out loud ; BABY ! and now you are everything in my life forever. i will promise you everything i can give you ; with an open heart ~ an honest soul. i am hoping for us to be everything you wish for. i will fight for and hope that you never feel unwanted. if someone does anything bad to you all you have to do is tell me. because for the rest of our lives and in eternity i will be your 엄마 my 아이 to be. remember always that love comes from our insides and sharing our lives is worth more than fame money and stardom. from now you are my all ; the one i will place first. and if you in the future will get a 동생 you will share this sunlight forever. so my 도담 사랑해요 항상 i love you forever. and when you learn to read you will read my written stories ♡
of course in my life love comes with heartbreaks. but i am trying not to fall because of my stomach is growing. for as now i know my life will change. but i also know we have time to find our own ways. but i have to go to a place i really do not want to live. but since this is for you 도담 i will do what is the best for you in this moment. never do i hope you will blame me for this. but i know you will question why maybe. but as soon as you are here on the outside of me i will explain and give you my all for eternity.
i am not rich but i have what we need and if you lack something i am saving for your future.