Eight Weeks


 Eight weeks has passed and I would not change anything. Time goes too fast and I try to remember everything. Capture our moments, your life, evolving while I blink and breathe. You are so precious and beautiful, small and petite… It is almost unbelievable that you also will become a grown up like me. You snore, babble, smile and cry. And I soak up every single second of your life. I am always here by your side, never will I disappear. How is it possible to love someone so much, without demanding anything?

I have to admit that I wish we had someone to share all our moments with. Because this experience is truly amazing and something that is worthy  of sharing. That is the moments I tear up and cry my tears. When I think of all the humans you do not get to meet and when I am reminded that I do this all by myself. For now, because you are too little to know, remember and see how beautiful our lives are within. I try to capture our lives and memories for you. Your smile shine light on the darkest hour, and the sparkles in your eyes are like crystal diamonds. Waking up to your babbling and having you showering me with smiles, is something i wish we could have videotaped. But being just the two of us makes it kind of difficult, so for now I keep them in my heart and mind.

We have had it quite easy, and made it this far. Of course you scream, but what can we do. That is your voice, until your words will come through. So I hope you always will know and remember that your eomma loves you.

엄마

With A Tongue Unknown


i have found some humans that i have a life in common with. these humans are all korean adoptees that have come back to korea to speak up for themselves. as i have done this for years now online i am humbled content and somewhat sad in my soul. but the sadness is because the stories are close as i have seen and heard from their souls. these koreans were all sent overseas to families where life was unknown. some of their stories i do not know but from those i have talked to i have heard somewhat the same. they are talented humans with creative souls and have studied and worked and come back home. honestly i do not know everything but i will hopefully get the chance to talk to them more. because they are arranging events for us who are adopted and live in seoul for the time being. so now i will have my dna tested and you never know there might show up someone who is related to my soul.

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because for me being adopted is very much complicated heartbreaking and close to home. thus i do not carry any resentment to my 엄마 or 아빠 i do still have questions. but know that i might have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of my life. i am going to holt the organization i was adopted through to see if they have some information i have not seen. but as i have read the papers i have myself it says that there is no information and i know i am an abandoned child. these feelings i have is mixed and mostly sad. but i am still happy now for being alive. even though this feeling sometimes turns into the darkness where i rather wished i died when i ended up in a coma. because of 2years ago i went through ecoli septicshock organfailure poisoning and bloodtransfusion. after that they put me on opiates and those are the pills that can turn you into a drugaddict. so as i again was abused by a person i dated after i came out from the hospital. i chose then to try to commit suicide by swallowing a mixture of nobliganretard150mg×30ca valium5mg×15ca mogadon5mg×20ca and drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. but then called the ambulance myself because somewhere inside me i probably got scared. i do not remember anything from this episode except for asking if they were going to pump my stomach when i arrived at the hospital. the next thing i remember is waking up asking for food about 2days later and then i went to meet my mom feeling calm and changed with a new perspective. knowing now i actually sometimes regret getting scared and not dying. but i also know that my tolerance is extremely high and that i probably would have died if i were someone else. it is a peculiar situation because i am still being torn between life and death. knowing that the life in norway somewhat haunts me because there are so many horrible memories. then again i know inbetween i have experienced happiness but being abused fucks with your brain to an extend where the only thing we can do is to fix ourselves.

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so after using this medicine for about 1.5year i felt my body being physically addicted and quit cold turkey because ending up as a drugaddict is an absolute no go in my mind. so now i live with chronic pain instead and waiting for the possibility to get medical marijuana. but i know in the end my body might fail but i also know that my soul is stronger than anything i can imagine. so as i keep moving forward i just go on and sometimes i look back and regret some actions but hey this is life and i have to walk in my own skin anyway. so there really is nothing to change from the past and rather try to change my exterior and not trust so many souls on my path. because again i will tell you that some of you have let me down because you never asked or talked to my soul ones. my introverted extroverted side maybe fooled you believing you knew me at all. but in the end you see with closed eyes and what you think i am is not the perception of me and is not correct at all. thus some of you talked to me i have never given you close to all my answers. because not asking the right questions and getting to know the real me will take decades for you all.

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i have been judged by my appearance hair body and clothes but seemingly this has nothing to do with my real personalities at all. but maybe you who read my thoughts get a picture but honestly i do not think you will understand anything about me at all. but then again i am hopefully wrong and some of you will walk into my life and stay and see my soul.

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much love

 

A New Chapter


My life is changed again, again with the fear, behind locked doors and hiding like a ghost in daylight. My mind wanders and goes to places that again makes me change personalities, the way I live and where I go. The wishful thinking of leaving this place just to get peace and a real life. In this world, there are so any evil people that I now just want to go to the moon. Or to find a planet only for the good ones, so the bad ones can destroy each other instead! Spending my life in the shadow of myself and scared of the world. I can go as far as I would now say the hate is growing. My caring, optimistic, smiling self is gone – now. And I am left with terrors, nightmares and the wish of not being alive. Why is it so, that a person is so evil and to destroy another? I will never get that!

There have been months of nothing from me…but now you see why I cannot do my “normal” things. Left with the scars and a life I do not think matters. There is no seeking of attention or pity. Just a memento to let the world know that there are still people who think Mental Illnesses do not exist! Shame on you all! What happened to read and knowledge in the human race? Why have some people gone blind to others? Lately, I have been trying to “connect” with my heritage, South Korea, watching Korean movies. The languages are starting to sound familiar and I understand more and more, and the wish of going there, traveling around and learn more. I am in the thoughts of wanting to go there and make a difference for kids like me. I have also started Korean Language School this semester, level 1. So Inwill soon be fluent in Hangul and Korean. 

Life is simple, barricading myself inside with the voices and hallucinations. Even so I m still scared because of a bad person attached me in my apartment. I do not understand how a person can do such a thing! But as always my experiences will eventually make me stronger, but now I have to fight more than I ever have done. Why is it so that there are people here who intentionally destroy others? What happened to you? Like myself I have a lot of baggage, but I never let it out on others. I try to be a better person every day, because change starts within. So I am brushing off the dust on my shoulders and start with clean cheets. 

Love,

Any Bryde

To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde