We have officially past our due date and I am wondering when she will escape from her cave. I have had Braxton Hicks Contractions for a while, but no real pain yet. Honestly my whole pregnancy has been pretty comfortable. The worst has been being so fucking sleepy all the time and now, feeling so huge and heavy. I threw up a lot and was nauseous in the first trimester, but survived. The pregnancy brain has taken over my life the past 7 months, so I have taken me-time and focused on my inner circle. Today the bloody show arrived and I hope this is a sign of labor, since our due date was July 14 and I really want a natural birth.
Wondering how it will be to finally meet my baby and how she will look like is coming to an end. Knowing that becoming a mom is the universe’s greatest love, makes me feel blessed, happy and calm.
I have learned through my pregnancy that the best thing is to just relax, enjoy, eat what you want in small amounts and not really plan anything. Of course the weight gain is weighing me down, but I know it is baby weight and will try to get back to a healthy body. It will probably not be done overnight, but there is time. Tomorrow we are going in for our past due date checkup and in a few days I will hold my little one in my arms.
Suddenly the snow is gone and we can finally see the grass again. The temperature is on the plus side and the sun is smiling down on us once more again. Spring has set her foot here in Norway. This country is not where i want to be, but for now it is home and soon a smaller version of me will appear. A baby spending all her time in a small sack inside my belly is growing strong. Her little kicks, pushes and hiccups takes most of my time now and for the rest of my life will be number one.
I am hoping you will be a precious one, filled with love and a heart of gold. Not afraid of what the world has to show you, but intelligent enough to know that your soul belongs to the universe and that we are our own. I hope you will have open eyes and ears, so no one can do harm to your soul. But wise enough to be a gentle soul and see through all the bullshit and lies when it is shown. Smiling, laughing, crying, feeling every single drop of our blood. You will be a strong one, with a voice of your own. As you will light up the summer with your eyes, I know your soul will be warm. Finding your way through this life might not be easy, but i promise you you will never be alone.
As for the wind there will be storms, but I will always support your goals. So when the time comes and you will be born you will be known. As the one I have always waited for, my first born, a child unknown. Together we are our own little tree, but in our past there are many more. Here we also have branches that reaches out to us, but with another root in the soil. So when you are sad look in my eyes and I will comfort your soul.
there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.
in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.
in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.
i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.
in march this year a boy who forced himself into my life and house who i regretfully let stay because i thought i could help. again this boy turned out to be a liar that jumped me in my own house and broke ribs on the right side of my chest. the police came i do not know how they where called or remember much from that day. thus a few days later i felt like i was going to die. like the air was leaving my lungs and went to the emergency room. i waited in a smellyroom where the pain in my chest and breathing was so painful and hard that i thought it was the end. after a little while the nurse came in and said ; “we have to take an xray to be sure your lung is not punctured.” i do not remember much except for the pain and that i was given paralginforte for it. went back to my apartment and do not think i did much the next days.
i told the nurse and the doctor his name and got a paper from her. but someone broke into my house and stole both documents clothes designerbags and designershoes. i have reported these ppl to the specialforces in norway and hope they will get their punishment, because this is also almost murder. this changed my whole persona in a way you would not understand. i thought i had experience some of the worst but being jumped and ending up with broken ribs is something that could have killed me. and again i hoped it would because it is easier to get ppl away for murder than for domestic violence and beating it seems like. being the victim does not seem to mean anything because you all feel sorry for the criminals culprits or yourselves. the last one i truly do not understand and will never be able to wrap my mind around that kind of mindset. i will never understand how you can protect fucked up ppl who only lie for a living. also one of his friends are amongst the reported. so i hope you all will take your lives or become drugaddicts if you have not fallen down that road yet. i wish someone will put you on heroin and rape you repeatedly for the rest of your lives in eternity!
there is also this violent boy that jumped me in my apartment last summer with a scissor and glassbottles that time the police also came but i do not know who called them. he was reported then and i got a restraining order against him. thus we had a person i n common i told this person the truth. but of course this summer they broke the law so i again reported the violent boy for the 2time in under a year. there is also an earlier abuser who i also have an restraining order against that showed up in my neighbourhood so i of course reported him too. he abused me for a year both physical and psychological both in norway and abroad. i do not know how some of the police in norway work but i know that some of you are violent corrupted and criminals.
so because of all this violence being strangled and loosing unborns i have not been myself at all this summer. but as if this was not enough the company i rented my apartment from went through with an illegal eviction. where they apparently said they have contacted me but did not. they also had a hearing that i did not get information about. saying i have done things i emailed them about. the only thing i have done is playing loud music during daytime. and i know for a fact that that is nor illegal or against the law anywhere. but on top of this at the places where one should feel safe i was jumped by a nightworker because of me walking in my sleep! so if you want to talk about culprits criminals and victims choose one side and see who you should protect!