Wake Up Call


there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.

in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.

in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.

i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.

 

 

To Fall In Love Six Feet Under


I fall in love with the same man every day, more and more, like it is a drug, but something that makes me feel good, a better me. Of course there are ups and downs, but when the heart beats and sing the same tune, it wants and you have to follow it. My mind is not right, but I try, work harder with this than you know, I am ill. Mental illness is like a devil, having Bipolar, Borderline, Dissociative and a few more it is a struggle. I do forget things, do things I do not remember and move stuff around, like hiding them for myself. I am fighting this every day and it is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I will come out on the other side? And I took my bulimia again….

 

But the love inside my heart, beats hard for this man. We both have a past, but it is what it is. We know we belong together, there is nothing that will stop me from fighting this fight and I intend to win. To capture his love, heart and soul, show him that I am worth having by his side. As for me and my brain, I am not crazy, I just have a few diagnoses that make me different from other people. I wish it could be removed, but medicine and pills keep me in check, a place where i am closer to myself than for years. So I know loving me and being with me is not easy, but believe me when I say I try to I know you try. We are soul mates, we click like I have never done before. We have our moments, but I always miss him when he is not here and I love him more than life itself.

 

I am not a perfect person, far from, but I do my best and I hope you see this. you people on the streets, looking at me. I am not weird, strange or so different. On the outside, I look “normal”, but this illness is not visible, it is the invisible chronic pain and voices twirling around in my head. I do not know what is wrong with me, but apparently there is a huge mistake being me, there is nothing I can do right. I fail, I really believe I am a burden, and should not be on this earth. I belong six feet under.

 

But what do i do when he is saying we’re not in sync, is it all me or is it something that is not right. People leave me when we should talk, trying to bring the trust back in a relationship. I am sick, but it is not my fault. I feel alone in this world, always. I love with my heart and soul, but it is on its way to be broken, my spirit is gone. last night I took eight sleeping pills and two Valium, nothing knocks me out, it just make me sleep. I do not want to wake up anymore, I am tired and exhausted of this life. I really do not know what to do anymore, I break when you leave. I get that you need air, but it is always so dramatic. And that is not my style, I am a calm, mentally ill person. I live with these illnesses and sometimes I cannot control it. I hate it, I would change my life for not having these diagnoses. But I am born bipolar, what can I do? Borderline and dissociative follow me everywhere, but I really do not think anyone understand s me.

 

Love,

Any Bryde

Am I Left Alone?


There are these days now where I feel that everyone is turning against me. Every time I enter a room, an apartment, leave a room, look at someone or move I hear these negative words; What the hell is it with her, she looks crazy, why does her eyes do that and mouth shivers? She was fine like two minutes ago and suddenly she turned, how the hell did that happen, what has she eaten or been drinking? She has these eyeballs that just pops out, damn she is really freaky and ugly and what happened with the vibe when she entered the room?

panic attack

Yes I love Panic attacks, anxiety and all that shit, I have such huge problems with it now that I really do not know how to trust anymore. The only place where I really can feel a little comfortable is in my own apartment, alone, but this is not a life, it is like a prison in my own mind. No gates, hallways, doors, escape routes, people, there is no one here to help me out of my hell hole. I get that I might have to reach out to you, but I really do, at least in my mind I do… I am open about my mental illnesses, and everybody knows how much time I spend alone. Maybe you do not know the extent of what I do when I am alone, but some of it is scary for me to share, I am so afraid for you to be sad fro my, worry, I really do not want to be a burden. I just want to be free, fly like the birds in the sky, leave this place and never come back. There are so few people I trust now and some of the people I love the most are actually dead or have left me for other reasons. There was a time where I could see a weak light in the end of this tunnel of life, but I do not have that voice inside my head to tell me to go on and it will be better anymore. I lost my soul in 2005, he died and at the same time I lost myself. We were supposed to be together, get married, start a family and all that. You are not supposed to lose your lover at such a young age. I was his first everything, yes we had our problem, partying, drugs, but I cleaned up my act and he tried as hard as he could. He was there for me and I for him. It is really hard for me to write this, but I have to get it out, the burden that flushes over me every year on these dates are almost unbearable. The worst thing is that I do not even think no one knows, because I am actually a private person, I do not like to bother other, I am the observer in the corner. The one that people confess to, and I carry everybody’s secrets.

Nightmares to dreams

I am broken, there is no where in hell anyone will stay with me – everybody leaves and they never come back. When will I meet that person that is afraid of losing me, if I ever get that second chance again. I am not build for being alone, honestly I would rather not be here. Why is it that every time we meet another person, it normally ends up with the one liking the other more…? I never get it, why is it never worth fighting for? I of course as many of you have failed in a lot of relationships, but that is the part of growing up, never put all your eggs in one basket. So as time flies, months, years, grey hairs, wrinkles and all that just fades, what is left? I honestly say with my hand on my heart, that the one that I will commit to, if it comes to that before the end, I will be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, make a life, kids, argue, make up, smile, laugh travel, cook and just be the one that always loves him!

Love,

Any Bryde

Blast To The Past, But Still Here…


I went to a psychic, Sally, yesterday and I have always wanted to do this! It blew my mind, because she told me so much that I have felt and believed in all my life. I asked her about where I came from and she said she saw a boat and that I was covered in some way. When I asked about my biological father she said my biological mom was probably and sadly might raped. As a child I always told and made up stories about my biological father, saying we lived in a tent, eating black rice and bread or something like that. But I can’t remember anything or that I told stories about my biological mom. Sally also told me that I wasn’t unwanted, but that my mom couldn’t and didn’t have enough to raise me. So she left me in a box in front of a churchlike, or the child care facility home. She also got the feeling of me being pulled back and forth as a child, and as I know thats true because of me being the youngest in the home. But I had a caretaker and an older girl who took care of me, but I was still undernourished and in a bad place when I arrived here in Norway. I am adopted, my family is amazing, I really don’t remember much from my childhood. Probably because of all the stories I made up and my mental illnesses. Thus none of this was brought up by the teachers or the psychologist I had when I was around 9-10 years old. I think it’s weird and really strange that none of them picked up on that! My mom said she thought I might could have ADHD, probably because of my tantrums and being all over the place all the time. But who can I really blame? I spend my years, screaming, doing whatever I wanted, always the opposite of what I was told and being a little bitch (to be honest). And trying to hide and escape from reality.

Take chances

They adopted another and the I got a younger sister, she was so sweet, smiley and never did anything wrong. In the start I was really jealous, because I was use to getting all the attention and now there was another one, and she was just sweet and adorable all the time. I wasn’t the best sister in the start, but I was traumatised. No excuse for my behaviour, but an explanation. We grew older and suddenly our mom got pregnant. We got a little brother. He was the cutest little boy ever, I remember dressing him up as a girl when I was young. We’re 5 years apart my sister and I and our brother is 9 years younger than me. We have a really good relationship now, we had it for a while and I love them and my mom so much! They have always been closer, because of me being “so” much older and I moved out the year I was 17 going 18. I did a lot of bad stuff when I was a teenager and hurt myself and my family a lot. I can’t blame anyone but myself, but after the life I lived, choices I made, being abused, misused, diagnosed and hospitalized I have another insight and view on everything. Don’t believe in the greener grass, because when someone says they promise you something but the action speaks louder than the words that actually comes out of their mouths. Do a 360 and walk away! I been through my share of users, and I am also the only one that can say now is enough! So if you feel that I’m writing about you, chances are I really am. But in life there are no regrets, only lessons learned and I have learned a lot through my soon 33 years of life on this earth as a human! 

Keep me in your heart

It has taken me a lot of time and almost too much pain, but later is better than never. And when the Sally looked me in my eyes and said; you tried several times, but your spirits has always saved you! It was like there is no where to hide, I still have daily thoughts about suicide, but I know now that it is not a solution. Having admitted everything I have done, don’t keep secrets, are honest, open, loyal, try to live a good life, do good things for myself and those I love, accepted everything that I have been through and that my life is what it is. I’m trying to teach myself that I am enough, that people really want me in their life, that they love me, that I have the right to walk my own path no matter what others might say or their opinion about it. Of course I don’t live in peace, because of all my different identity disorders but I can try not to let them control me, go to therapy, my doctor, take the classes I will be assigned to, taking my medication as well for regulating them, eating healthy, get enough sleep and fresh air. The exercising comes last, as well for my self harming. But I have no where to hide anymore, so I’m guessing it’s my time to shine bright and receive and give the love I deserve. Until next time, thank you my readers, I hope you find inspiration from me and my life! Because that is what I want you too and to know that life is worth living!

Ernest Hemingway

Love,

Any Bryde