there comes a time in your life when you realize the truth about those who were suppose to be your so called “family. after all the abuse i have been through in the past and finding out i am pregnant i have been thinking about this a lot. because bringing my innocent baby into a world of people who pretend they love me is not what i want for my baby or myself anymore. the feeling and knowing that i am unwanted in the “family i was adopted to makes me want to kill both myself and a lot of other people. so honestly, to you fucked up ignorant selfish “i-live-a-perfect-life-people that think forgiveness is “pretending to care and love the people who let you down is the solution. you have never experienced real heartbreaks, deceive or anything close to loneliness in your life.
in my life i have recovered myself from every single situation and illnesses. even all the abuse and violence i have experienced, i have and still are recovering all by myself – all without any help or support from those who should have been here through the years! all the trauma in my life is unknow to almost everybody and you think you know the real reason why i cannot work. the truth about me not working is because of physical illnesses, chronic pain, abuse, terror and physical damages. and yes in the end all this makes you extremely depressed and exposed to diagnoses, but not a bad human. but you never really cared enough to even talk about it or ask me. so i have pretended since i was a child that i have been ok, happy and strong. but fighting through everything has made me strong but also lonely, and also exposed to even more abuse and violent people. knowing this is a circle i am fighting, i will now be able to see the bullshit in your eyes and actions.
in the society and world we live now there are so many people that do horrible things and get away by lying or paying someone to help them. it is sad to see that you still have not open your eyes to us who tell the truth and fight for justice. my childhood was not good at all. but i have had good memories with humans that i have spent time with that is not a part of my adopted family. honestly i also had good moments with some of you that was and still are in the adopted family, but this was before my aunt died. after that it felt like everything i believed in fell apart, except for having a grandma that never judged me and that i could talk with. i also had an uncle that i loved, but sadly now almost everyone whom i loved are dead. and honestly, the wrong humans died! i never felt that i have belonged in that home or so called “family. but i wanted to believe that you were good, seeing it now i think i have changed my mind. because to you everything seems to be about money and not love.
i have messages on my accounts where you write horrible things and i hope you read them in regret while you read this! because not supporting a family member, even though i have been bought and apparently not a human that was wanted, oh i have some messages linking to this too. i hope you all have a change of heart! i will honestly tell you all from the bottom of my soul that i wish i rather grew up here in korea, in an orphanage instead. but yes, i had things, nice things, when i grew up and at least i know some of those who was around me loved, but they are still not alive. and as for all the fake-ass-friends i have had through the years i hope you or someone close to you will experience real pain so you know what it is to be abused is about! but knowing you, you will probably pretend like nothing happened or never talk and admit it! because i know a few secrets about almost everyone i have met.
It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I did not find information about it anywhere. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I could learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly called my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. Education is never a heavy burden.”
I ran home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there were a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did a small roleplay the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening it felt like it was a 1month wait! And I also had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good korean. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sent snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changed the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote it on the big yellow papersheet with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or feel the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and pumpkin i think. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the cabbage with the rice and purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and played some pool and drank a little more.
Lenge siden, tiden bare flyr. Men samtidig står alt stille. Hjernen min snurrer og tankene surrer, ingenting gir mening. Fysisk går kroppen igjennom all dritten jeg har gått igjennom de siste 30 årene. I hjernen går alt på loop, som en filmrull som aldri vil stoppe. Selvfølgelig har ikke alt vært dritt. Jeg er veldig heldig som er fra en familie hvor det ikke er skilsmisser, der vi har holdt sammen gjennom tykt og tynt. I bunn og grunn er det praksis på hva ekte kjærlighet er. I julen som var sa moren min, jeg har hatt en mann og er veldig fornøyd med han så en ny trenger jeg ikke. Jeg synes det var så fint, er kanskje ikke ordrett det du sa, men uansett. Det satte seg i hjernen min og da tenkte jeg tilbake.. Mormor var gift med en mann, da han døde valgte hun å ikke finne en ny. Til meg sa hun, nei jeg hadde mannen min og nu har jeg barna og barnebarna mine. Alt var kanskje ikke perfekt hele tiden, men hva er perfekt og er det noe å streve etter? Min avdøde onkel hadde to koner, men tante døde av kreft for nesten 20 år siden og han var ikke helt stødig, men fortsatt onkelen min.
Som adoptert vil jeg si jeg har et annet syn på familie enn veldig mange andre, jeg legger merke til alle forskjellene oss i familien i mellom. Samtidig som familieverdier er veldig viktig for meg. JA, jeg har hatt kjærester, men er lei meg for å si at mange av dem var fryktelig dårlig valg og for å få tiden til å gå. Kanskje jeg til og med kjedet meg og trengte underholdning og endte opp med egoistiske mennesker. I fortiden har jeg sett og vært med på ting jeg gjerne skulle ha slettet fra mitt minne. Mye er sikkert gjemt godt i hjernen min, da jeg ikke kan huske noe særlig fra før 20 årene. Men legger veldig godt merke til hvordan andre forholder seg til mennesker i sitt nærvær nu i ettertid. Etterpåklok kan jeg nok ærlig og åpent si det er. Jeg observerer og får med meg så mye av hva som skjer. Kanskje jeg sitter med halvparten av hjernen i Wonderland, men det er min verden som de forskjellig identitetene har skapt. Jeg har mine psykiske lidelser og ting jeg sliter med. I familien er ikke det ingen med lidelser. Men tydeligvis har min biologiske mor eller far det. Og jeg har jeg fått med i arven, samtidig som et par andre ting..
Jeg ble forlatt som et lite barn i Korea og har slitt lenge med seperasjonsangst, samtidig som jeg horder mat og jeg gjør dette fortsatt. Vil jeg gjøre dette resten av livet? Og jeg har funnet ut at jeg gjør dette på grunn av hvordan forholdene var på barnehjemmet jeg kom fra. Min oppvekst her med familien min har jeg ingenting å klage på og fundamentet jeg har fått på hva kjærlighet er begynner å gå opp for meg. Etter rundt 2-3 år på medisiner begynner ting å bli klarere i hjernen min og jeg ser at mange av valgene mine har vært fryktelig og så feil. Men kjemien i hjernen var messed up og jeg tar ansvar for min fortid og det jeg har gjort. Nu som medisinene har gjort meg litt mer stabil ser jeg fallgropene og løgnere for hva de er. Ingen slipper inn i min sphære hvis jeg har en tvil. Og folk må gjøre seg fortjent for å få min tid og kjærlighet! Ikke fordi jeg har for lite kjærlighet å gi, men jeg gir unconditionally når jeg kommer til det! Og gjør du deg fortjent vil jeg være her, da, nu og for alltid!