It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I did not find information about it anywhere. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I could learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly called my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. Education is never a heavy burden.”
I ran home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there were a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did a small roleplay the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening it felt like it was a 1month wait! And I also had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good korean. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sent snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changed the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote it on the big yellow papersheet with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or feel the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and pumpkin i think. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the cabbage with the rice and purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and played some pool and drank a little more.
I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!
Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?
In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…
I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.
So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.
But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;
And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!
When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.
In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.
No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.
But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?