It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I did not find information about it anywhere. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I could learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly called my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. Education is never a heavy burden.”
I ran home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there were a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did a small roleplay the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening it felt like it was a 1month wait! And I also had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good korean. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sent snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changed the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote it on the big yellow papersheet with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or feel the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and pumpkin i think. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the cabbage with the rice and purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and played some pool and drank a little more.
There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore, for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!
I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them. I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!
And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.
I just wish you all could see me shine…!
Last day in Tønsberg and Christmas is over. I am relieved and looking forward to coming home to my apartment and Oslo. I do not know why I am the way I am, but I am sure there is only a few of you whom really understand me or even dear I say try too. I know it is not easy, but there are certain things you just do not say to someone who struggles with mental illness. Being the only one in my family who really have psychiatric problems, it is always on my mind how different I am. I know I seem normal from the outside, but spend a day in my head and you will see why I am on welfare. It is not easy nor something I am proud of. But I do not have a place in the normal standards. Where there are people telling me, “you should just or why do you not do this?” I do not have an answer, but I can tell you that I am working harder and more than a lot of you. I never get a holiday or days off, this is a 24/7 job that has no loopholes. There is no going around this.
I feel lost and alone, just longing after someone that understands. It is a lonely life being stuck inside your own brain, where there is no escaping the reality. But I know that love is some kind of a medicine, but it can also be a problem. I have enough things to struggle with daily, so if you add to this by not being understanding, it makes everything seem hopeless. And that is how I see my life at the moment. I do not know where I went to the left instead of right, but somewhere down this road, I turned and now I cannot find my way back. What happen to the trust and honesty? It feels like I am a guest in my own life, that it is another me who walks around every day. Looking outside now, it is actually snowing, and again I feel misplaced. This world is not for me, I am guessing there has to be another reason why I am here. There has to be more than just this. All this waiting, all the time. I know that I am patient, but hey there is a limit for how much I can handle and soon my limits are way over reached and too far gone.
I write to get rid of the pain, as for sharing my life with you, and might help or give you whom struggle with the same issues either having someone in your life with the same problems or having the diagnoses yourself. I want people to open up and see how much work it is all the time. We have medicine reminding us every day, not feeling that we are good enough for anything, having the need to self-harm, suicidal thoughts and the voices. Yes, we take things way too personal, but it is how we are put together. So please let us be and maybe someday we will bloom and grow. But until then I still think that I am unworthy and not good enough for this life. It is a lonely feeling that you who does not struggle with mental illness will never understand. Sitting in a room and cutting myself, seeing the blood is my only cure for now. But I know it is not healthy or a solution for my problem.
I just need you to be here, talk about stuff and not leaving me alone with everything inside, because there is no escaping this.
Christmas came again this year as every year, but the spirit of Christmas is not really here. It feels more like autumn about now. There is no snow or any Christmasy about this season this year. Tho we got through it seemingly, with the food, gifts, coffee, and cookies. I am pretty satisfied this year with all my presents. Useful gifts and stuff I need, sitting here in my new Panda pajamas and relaxing with my mom, sister and brother. Got new headphones for Christmas, so now my music experience on my iPhone is complete again. They are so comfortable and the sound is awesome, almost like my Bowers & Wilkins. So my siblings did well this year too. No complaining on my end this year. I am not a Christmasy person, but I do really love spending time with family, it is not that often we do this. And being the person I am I love being around people, tho I get to be too exhausted because of my illnesses. But it is worth it, I can relax when I get back home.
I know there are a lot of lonely people around, and wish that I could do something about it. But I have to see that I cannot solve all problems or people. Would love too tho. We spent Christmas Eve at my aunt and uncle, mom’s sister, with cousins and their cute dogs. We celebrate every other year, here and there. It is a tradition I really like, but I cannot help myself from feeling like an alien, an outcast in all social settings. Strange being able to see it all from above as a spectator to my own life. Am I acting proper, do I keep my mouth decent at all times? I struggle to follow the conversations but keep a smile on my face. Do not think I am not having a good time, I really do, it is just that it is hard, with the voices and spinning in my head. The unlogical thoughts and actions going on inside my head. I wish there were something that could “cure” this, but I know I have to learn how to cope with this shit. Why am I different from the others?
All the questions pile up inside my head, and I sit here wondering why? Feeling guilty of things I cannot even remember, feeling sedated and strange. Like I am visiting another life, and it is not mine. I do not know why I feel so weird at the moment, but the stress factor is here big time! And my head spins like a wheel at all times. I do not even remember what I am supposed to write at the moment, but there are still words and my fingers live their own life. So if this is messy, I am sorry, it is all just a mix of thoughts and feelings. There are things going on and I have lost control again. Feeling like I fail to try to be a person… I lost the count and I am saying I am sorry all the time. So hopefully 2016 will bring back the optimism.