It all started in July and has been the dream I secretly dreamed my whole life. So I’ve been thinking of this for a while and searching online but I haven’t found anywhere to go just yet. So I went to the embassy of South Korea and asked where I can learn Korean. The man behind the glass kindly help me and printed out some pages for me with all the information I needed. I thanked him and walked out. I instantly call my mom and ask if I could get a Korean language lesson for my birthday present this year? And she kindly answered “of course you can if this is what you want. We system and education is not the heavy burden.”
I run home and emailed the school and started on 29 August 2016. And we got a schedule for the whole semester and in there we had scheduled a literature evening, and there was a contest. I have been writing my whole life, so I thought about it and decided to write a poem. It took me probably about 15 minutes tops hearing. And then I emailed it to my teacher and she translated to Hangeul for me. And then my practice started. I practiced all the time and we also did the small role-play the with the class and performed a song called 보보보.
I was so nervous for the deadline and through the evening there was like one month wait! And this I had so much nerves and I was just hoping to make my teachers proud. So finally the time came and I read my poem in my not so good hangeul. And I won! Best of the best! And the price was next semester free on the Korean school and I was so happy that I even started to cry I think I never won one thing alone in my life! So this was pretty much a huge deal for me and it’s from my heart and soul so yes it’s something I should probably be proud of. And it got me a Facebook message from the admin’s at school and she asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner at the ambassadors the house on the 16th of November at the Embassy of South Korea because he was really impressed with my performance and my writing. And I of course momentarily said YES and thank you for the invitation for this event.
I just kept on smiling. And then the evening came I got dressed up, sender snapchat’s all around for my own outfit to be approved. And I got thumbs up so I just took my umbrella because it was raining and walked out the door. I am walking to the tram into the tram to the underground. My wish and expectations for this night made me speechless! I was a little early and the texted my teacher that I was in the bakery waiting. And I also went to a few pharmacies before. And then she came in, and she had to get dressed or change so she changes the look in the bathroom. Then we went to the bus and that was the shortest way to walk to the house. We also met a few others, so we went all together to the house. I walked up and it was one of the most amazing house I’ve ever seen here in the Norway. And they are such warm people! I prepared a little story and like a kid I wrote on the big yellow sheet paper with the purple calligraphy pen. I think they liked it…. I think or the writing looked like an four year old kid drawing..but yeah anyway I am kind of. And then we had the food and they do so much in so many different things. The food was amazing and filled me like a fat kids love cake! For the first dish, the scallops a salad, then the fried vegetables like lotus, squash, shrimp and one more thing. Then there were something with the kimchi with oyster and pig, then there was this roll but it was salmon with spinach and a sauce and then the soup the seaweed with the purple beans the kimchi, squid and then lastly it was desert: the cheese cake and fruits and we had wine.
I took a lot of pictures and the others where taking a lot of pictures and it was such a lovely night, we talked about how I found the Korean school and of the other girl from school who also got invited. I was so honored and I got the seat next to the ambassador, it was such a dream fulfilled! And after the dinnner I was so fired up so I couldn’t go home so I went to Rock-In and play some pool and drank a little more.
There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore, for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!
I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them. I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!
And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.
I just wish you all could see me shine…!
I’m heartbroken, not from a lover… But someone I thought would never say this to me. My tears just keep falling from my eyes. All I want to do know is sleep forever. I have been hurt so many times by different people, and lately I see that I actually in some cases, didn’t do anything wrong. But still, I’m left with the feeling of hating myself and feeling unwanted and unworthy. And I keep thinking about why, why do I get so hurt bay the words of the ones I love? I’m actually turning 35 in a month, in Korean years I’ll be 36. And still, I do seek the acknowledge from others. And I wish I knew why!
Because it’s not like I ‘m stupid or? Am I wrong? Do I always overreact? Am I too much, the burden that no one wants to admit they know of, the baggage they won’t carry?
In my life being left with the feelings of being wrongly placed or unwanted has been so strong that It has taken it’s own personality called, myself. Even now after it has been 24 hours I still cry… she left me a message on my voicemail, saying she’s sorry and that she loves me and wants us to be friends again. Of course I cried even more because it hurts and I love this person unconditionally, but as I said to her, I still need time, time for myself to travel and following my dream! But I won’t be gone forever, I’m here inside the screen for those who read… I will never vanish from this since this is my life’s work and my way to leave something “new” for the author world. Of course, I wish this will give me the freedom to do what I love and still be here for others, but I’m, following my dream, starting with the few thousand I have left after my rent, bills, the stuff I sold and meds, ops, and food…
I have to cut the cord and start my dream, my life. So a few months ago I applied for a program I never thought I would get. With thousands of applicants, there were only 75 who would get in. Two written rounds and one final video interview. One week wait for the answer… Do I dare to hope? So I actually closed my eyes, folded my hands and asked all the people I love unconditionally but sadly has passed for various reason, to help me fulfill my dream! I have never been a Christian or religious person, but I’m baptized, confirmated, because of my families faith. I practice a mixture, mostly kindness, and equality for all human beings, one world, one people! Sounds probably cliché for some of you, but it’s my beliefs. You can ask my friends.
So this year will end both sadly and happy…Not ready for sharing these details yet, if ever.. depends on what happens.
But my dream is being turned around to reality so since I need support and funding (honestly) I put up a funding page;
And then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to reach out, ask for the help that I know I never can provide myself. But on the other hand, this has never ever been about money, I just want to help one other lonely soul! But I don’t get by on welfare and living is daily not free, and I just need some assets for my dreams. I have so much more to offer than to just sit behind a locked door of fear of not being good enough for the rest of my life. It’s clear to me now; I am lonely, all I have is myself and I’m the only person I really can trust. I happy I have so many people in my life!